I Deserve

A real relationship

Someone who loves me

Someone I love

Someone who is there for me

Someone I can call just 'cause I wanna hear his voice

Someone I can vent to

Someone who will vent to me

Someone who will hold me

Someone who wants to make me smile

Someone who will deal with the mushy crap

Someone to dream with me

Someone whose family will become my close friends

Someone to watch stupid movies with

Someone who I get excited to shop for

Someone to set me straight when I'm being dumb

Someone I can encourage to be the amazing person I know they are

Someone to hold my hand as we pray together

Someone to miss, but not for long

Someone who, for some reason, actually smiles when I smile

Someone who won't use me

Someone who makes me better because he knows I can be better

Someone who wants me AND loves me

Someone whose scent I want to hold onto

Someone who shares his clothes with me even though its a million times too large

Someone who I didn't settle for

Someone who doesn't make me feel like he settled for me.

Alone With A Good Book

I think part of the reason I won't just move to Canada is because it would be 100% for you and your sister, and if we didn't get married I would be bitterly upset at the fact that I would never find anyone better than my best friend.

I need hugs and cuddles and a lot of chocolate. Nothing happened. I'm just reading a really good book, and one of the side effects of this particular book is loneliness.

On Lurking

Lurking is important. I mean, it's how you find things out. When someone asks you out, you lurk. You see if you should give this person a chance or if there's no way it will work. When you find someone cute, you lurk. You search for reasons to continue pursuit or cease and desist. When your friend talks about someone you don't know, you lurk. You get your first impression and you now have a basis as you imagine the events your friend describes.

It's also how you learn about the person who doesn't tell you everything. You lurk profile after profile. Social media network after network. Blog after blog after blog. To find more pictures, more quotes, clues about a sense of humor and an inner circle and "What's on your mind?". You find all the rants that we regret in the morning but have to type at 2AM.

And it feels obsessive. Because it kind of is. But you have to do it. You shouldn't have to. But you do. 'Cause it's not like this person is going to tell you what's really going on. So you have to figure it out yourself. Because all you want to do is help. To be included. To matter. To be a part of this person's life. Even if it's only as a friend, you want to be loved and cared for and thought of. And sure, you two catch up every now and again. How have you been? How's school? How's work? Have you seen you know who lately? Any big plans coming up? Nice. Nice. That's as good as it gets. And maybe that's all you really need to know anyway.

But that's not real. You can't tell what anyone's REALLY going through with just that. And you used to know! You used to be so close and involved and know everything the moment it happened. You used to swap stories and give advice and laugh and cry about everything. So why did it stop? And why are you now forced to figure out everything about this person's life through hashtags and reblogged quotes?

I only know of two people who this didn't happen to. Only two friends who still tell me everything and who I still tell all the details to. And who I don't have to go searching through page after page just to know what's going on. And I haven't seen them in years.

Wedding Plans

I am the girl who never planned her wedding.

And lately, because of conversations I've been having with several people, I think I might not get married. I mean, I realize people (my mother included) were joking when they said I wouldn't get married. But, like, that's totally possible. I mean I'm the most impatient person on the face of the Earth. And I'm stubborn and dependent. I'd be a horrible mother. Aunt is one thing because when it gets too hard, I'm not the one who has to face the problem. And even then, I have trouble with my niece sometimes. Seriously, the thought of pregnancy and labor and taking care of an infant and losing sleep and giving so much of myself for someone else? It all just scares me because I'm so selfish. And in theory I see very little bad about being married. But in practice I feel like it might just not be what God wants for me. Like, what if His plan is that I don't get married? And instead I travel and work and become successful in my field and do what I love and remain completely content with my life. I mean that happens to some people. What if that's me? And I would have zero right to question God's plan. And I would be grateful every day for the blessing that is loving my job and profiting off of what makes me happy.

And I mean I'm just so picky. A friend of mine got so annoyed with me when I told her I would not tolerate any drinking from the guy I'm with and she said "then you're never going to find anyone" and I said "yes I'm fully aware of that, that's fine". Because I have so many standards. I expect a sweet, charming, guy. Who is Christian. NOT DEBATABLE. And speaks Spanish. And is a gentleman. And sings. And shaves. And shares my interests. And doesn't drink or smoke. And understands that there will be no sex until marriage. And wants to live in MD. And is good with family. And my mom & sister approve of. So basically the boy you bring home to mom and dad. ON PAPER. And then I want recklessness when he's with me. Because I've found guys who are like that, but I'm never attracted to them. Because what I really want is a guy who has a darker side. And can get passionate. And adventurous. I'm so sick of guys who ask if it's okay to kiss me and then give me a peck on the lips. I want someone who will take the moment, grab me and hold me and lock lips with me like he needs me. Because I'm a masochist or something. Or because I'm a child and need someone to be in control. And I keep saying this is just what I want and if the guy's not like this it doesn't matter. BUT IT DOES. IT ALWAYS DOES. I GIVE GUYS A CHANCE AND THEN I END UP NOT BEING HAPPY BECAUSE HE ISN'T WHAT I WANT. So. Until I can freaking get over myself and work on my standards, I'm gonna be alone. Because the only guys who are adventurous aren't Christian boys who want to raise a family. And the only guys who like me always kill the mood by asking if it's okay to kiss me. I just left a scary unhealthy relationship where I gave up all my standards because I had feelings. Feelings weren't enough and once I realized that I was better off for it, God gave me another chance. I can't just waste it and settle for someone. Maybe this chance is just another way to say "hey, you're not gonna end up with anyone. And that's okay".

And I hope that it will be okay. Whatever God's plan is, I will follow it. And right now, me being alone just seems to make the most sense. It's not necessarily what I want. Why the hell would it be? I mean have you seen people in love? Have you WATCHED people FALL in love? Why wouldn't you want that? That unmatched feeling? It's incredible. It's magic. Of course I want that. I would kill for that. For a chance at having someone look at me that way, and kiss me that way, and talk to me that way, and laugh with me that way, and laugh AT me that way. But if God decides that's not for me, well then it's not for me. I have to be okay with it. And if He says it's okay. Then I guess it is okay.

Fear Can Drive Stick

I'm pretty sure we're all just cripplingly lonely. But of course, no one will ever get any better because we're all too scared to do anything. We all hate change. And change is probably what we need most.

Not Bitter, Just Broken

Hey there, me again. Just wanna remind you I'm here. And to let you know you've broken me. Alrighty. Bye.

Part Of Your World

Have you ever just wanted to be a part of something? Even though you knew you couldn't. And it made no logical sense but you just wanted it so badly. To be part of a club. Or a friend group. Or a family. Or even just one particular person's life. You wanted to get their jokes and hold them while they cried and plan fun things and just matter to them.

Because they just look so happy.

Funny How

My best friend is in Canada. Has been for 4 years. And then there's this kid who means so much to me, and tells me I mean even more to him, off in Florida. And I haven't seen him in at least 2 years.

And I still talk to them more than I do you. Like, they both make it a point to hold conversations with me as often as possible.

This isn't me being mad or whining or blaming you. I just think it's kind of crazy. Especially because I'm watching 3 guys chase Jess at once. Like, try so dang hard. And then I look at us and think... I'm chasing him. And I shouldn't be. We should be equals by now. But we're not. I wonder if I know what's good for me. I mean, not to say I should fall for a kid who lives 14 hours away from me. But still. I just wonder.

It doesn't matter. I can wonder forever. I'll never find the answer and I'll always be in love with you. Because yes, I am in love with you. It's just food for thought.

Mumford & Sons

Comparison

The one thing worse than wanting to run into someone's arms,

Not knowing whose arms to run to.

My Light

I know what I want. I f*cking know what I want. I know who I am. I know which path is the right one for me. I know where I'm going. You are not a part of ANY of that. As much as I want you to be, you're not. You're just not. Everything in this world is telling me to get the hell away from you so I can get back to me, because you're no good. So prove me wrong! PROVE ME F*CKING WRONG. And don't act stupid you know you're doing this. You have to. You OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW how f*cking NEEDY I am. You know how much I need to hear the words "I love you" and "I want to be with you". Not just "I want to f*ck you", and hey, I haven't even heard that in a good while. TALK. TO ME. ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES YOUR DAMN MUSIC. You don't have to love me, no one said you did. But don't sit there and get my hopes up and make me f*cking wait for something that will never come. Just say you don't want this and that's fine. I've been dumped by you before, I can go through it again, and I'll survive. But don't f*cking make me wait! I've always waited for you. I've been waiting for you since we met. If I have to wait, remind me why I'm waiting instead of proving to me that it's a lost cause. It's not hard to write a message on facebook, have a conversation for 20 minutes. EVERYONE but you talks to me now. I just can't understand it.

Your music isn't stupid. I love it. And obviously it's your focus. You have work, you have deadlines. And we talked about this. We said it would be a while. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I'd have to wait. You have so much going on. I could never demand anything more from you! It's not my place, it really isn't. I want you to do whatever you feel you have to to feel better. I really just want your happiness. I'm whining. I always whine. Don't listen to me. I'm being selfish... I just feel like I should be this time. I don't think I'm too in the wrong. A message every now and again would be nice. I miss you. Don't you miss me? 

I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I wanna break things. I wanna tear things. I wanna... I don't really know.

In the Storm

You're the only person I want to see. To be with. To cuddle. To talk to.

Love me?

asdfghjkl; needy

Self-Centered

Emily's gone for the weekend. (Maybe cuddles with Jeremy)
Eric is here (Jess' boo. Very cute. Except he smokes which is disappointing)
Nancy & James are off being soulmates.
Sara & Ryan are having issues.
Lauren & Jordan have their issues, but things get talked about. And they talk constantly.

I'm so lonely right now. I miss him. I miss feeling loved. I miss not having to think about it. I seriously feel miserable right now and I have absolutely no good reason. I wanna cry. But I can't. And I also have no reason to cry. Music isn't helping. Cleaning is. I don't want to do homework.

Mistakes Happen

If you can't do anything about it, GET THE HELL OUT THE WAY AND LET THE TECHIES HANDLE IT!

Also, sorry, I'm not happy for you. You're doing the most for a week.

Whatever. Tonight was wonderful.

Pretty Girl

(The Way)

Darn you Glee, & your long distance episode. Now I'm in a mood.