Absence

This is the place I go to write things I cannot post elsewhere. I'll be honest I'm hesitant to keep writing in it. I mean if you will actively ignore my messages, I don't know I should be pouring my heart out in a place that was special for the two of us. But then again, it's all I've got and it's not like you'll read it anyway. Or maybe you will. Again, I may be overreacting to everything. I'd love that. I'd love if you could yell at me for being stupid and ever thinking we weren't friends. Oh well. Whatever. Moving on 'cause that's only the littlest bit of what this post is about.

On facebook, tumblr, twitter, etc, I have seen all manner of text talking about taking breaks from friends. And how strong friendships can be away from each other for a long time and the friendship should not be called into question. How they don't have to talk all the time. How some people just need space and it shouldn't be taken personally. "It's not about you". We need to stop clinging to people and realize that it is healthy to be away from others for a while, and that in healthy friendships the other party is expected to understand.

Here's where I take issue with that.

I have depression. I need people. I am a social person who seeks comfort in others. I am not healthy. And I will never try to use my mental illness to guilt others or justify my faults/terrible actions. I'm a big girl and I can recognize when my brain is guiding me towards something that I should not allow. But it is very, VERY difficult when it comes to letting people go. When my brain is crying "they hate you, they don't like you, you're annoying, they are better off without you", my job is to let logic in and say "you have no proof, these people have told me they love me and I choose to believe them, lack of communication can be attributed to all sorts of situations in their own lives that have nothing to do with me and I'd be selfish to automatically assume it has something to do with me". I remind myself that they are still there for me. This becomes increasingly difficult when, in fact, they are not there for me. I don't mean the situations where they stop conversations after a few texts or tell you that they don't want to go out multiple times. I mean the times when, without warning, they do not message you, do not respond to any of your attempts at contact, and do not warn you that they will be away. It's hard to tell your brain that people love you when their presence isn't felt and they do not put forth effort to make you feel loved.

I recognize that a lot of that is due to their mental illness as well. I try to be as accommodating as possible. Being with an extrovert like me can be draining. Sometimes you need seclusion. Like extended periods of seclusion. Sometimes it gets to be too much and what you need are friends who love you and understand that you cannot be there for them because you need to be there for yourself, and most importantly that you taking time to prioritize your own health does NOT mean that you don't care or that you've thrown that relationship away. I try to be understanding because I know that those moments of seclusion are essential to regaining energy and a sense of self. It helps people grow and I will never stand in the way of that. I will not be the friend that becomes a burden because I could not give people room when they requested it. But this is only an easy decision for me for a set period of time. After two months, three months, four months, MY mental illness gets louder. MY mental illness starts truly doubting. MY mental illness wonders if maybe this one time it wasn't a need for seclusion but rather a need to be away from me specifically. The voice gets louder and I can only shut it up for so long. But I'm always so afraid that, if I voice that concern, I'll look selfish and the person will think I can't be understanding. All those posts on social media that make it seem normalized to take breaks from people, whether they know it or not, imply that I am toxic and clingy if I cannot give my friends that space no matter how long it may take.

Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of friends who I only see maybe twice a year if that, and we can still catch up right where we left off. That's not the issue because, normally, not all friends are in constant contact. We all have lives to live. But the complete cutting off without explanation is not easy. Not to say I'm owed an explanation but wow would it help ease me just the smallest bit.

When you and your sister would not hold a conversation with me after I left Canada, I kept telling myself it was normal. I kept thinking that I was probably just catching you at a bad time or maybe something was going on that you felt you couldn't tell me about. I knew we'd been through too much for too long to drop one another. Maybe we'd all changed and grown in different ways, and my trip confirmed that, but love doesn't go away even in change. We still cared for one another and supported each other. That's what I told myself repeatedly. Two days from today, it will be one year since I got on the plane to Canada. Almost a year since we've had a conversation longer than a few snaps back and forth. I can't pinpoint when you started ignoring my messages or when your sister blocked me. All I know is that I thought I was giving you guys the normal space you deserved and, because I didn't want to be clingy or get in the way, I let you go without a fight. And my worst fear came true. Not just with anyone, because friends come and go. The two people closest to me who I held higher than any other friends I've ever had. They left. They dropped me. And I have to sit here daily and remind myself that it's not guaranteed to happen again.

It's only happened the one time with you. This is Jonathan's bread and butter. He hates it. I know he does, so I almost hesitate to talk about it. But he's the real reason all these posts have gotten on my nerves and broken my heart a million times. He calls his breaks "hiatus" or "going MIA". He does this at least once or twice a year, where he's gone for a few months. He's not actually away somewhere, he's just not in contact. Usually, he tells me after a few weeks (when he realizes that he's doing it) and I know not to contact him for a while. When I get antsy after two or three months, I'll just shoot him a message to let him know I'm thinking of him. Sometimes he'll respond with something short and simple, sometimes it's an apology, and that'll be enough. That's all I need to know that this isn't about me and that we're ok and he feels my support from afar. After about four months he is usually ready to come back - for some reason there's almost always a new girl haha. This time was different. This time was bad. He gave no warning. I've talked about this here before, I'm sure. It's not the first time he missed my birthday, but it was the first time he missed Christmas. At two months, when I was in El Salvador, I got so freaked I texted Miles. At three months, I messaged his best friend Andrew. It was the only way I could check on him. Because unlike other times, when I sent my little notes, I didn't get any message back. He wouldn't even read them. So I had no way of knowing that he was okay except through family members. I was worried about him and worried about us. I saw him once at the end of April and I felt like I could breathe again. But once after five months isn't a lot. I did not get back in consistent contact with Jonathan for a total of seven and a half months. In that time period, I had been abysmally lonely, incredibly fulfilled, stressed, accomplished, redeemed, tested, and all sorts of things. He missed many major parts of my life. And I know I missed his. My depressed self would sit there and question if we were still friends or if I had done something wrong or if, after all this time, he realized he didn't need me and didn't want to try for our friendship anymore. The part of me that wanted to burst out of depression said "no this just proves you don't need him, look you're fine without him and you no longer need to rely on someone who can't be there for you". A lot of my friends would even say "yeah this has been long enough, I'd call it done. If he can't make time for even a few messages (especially after he managed to text a mutual friend of ours but not me), then he clearly doesn't care and you can't be expected to wait around for someone who won't treat you like a friend". The problem was I know that I'm important to Jonathan BECAUSE I'm always there. Because we have been through hell and I've still never left him behind. Which sounds manipulative, and I completely get why my friends would say I don't need someone like that. My brain said "it's not his fault and you know it" and my friends said "it doesn't matter if he can't help it - it's abusive behavior and you should get out while you can instead of letting him think he can just come back whenever". Sticking around was a difficult choice. It's not as easy as all the online posts would suggest. I needed my best friend and he wasn't there for me, but I had to decide whether or not I should be there for him.

After seven and a half months, we started texting again. Regularly. And we saw each other. I met his beautiful puppy. He told me that his mental health got so bad there's parts of this winter he truly just doesn't remember. Not like he got drunk, but he blocked them out of his memory. He NEEDED that space. He needed to get on his feet and function for himself. It wasn't my fault. He just needed to be. He knows how much he missed. He knows how much I missed. This may have been his worst case but it's not the first time. He's used to losing people. He's grown aware that sometimes people cannot handle it and they drop you because they get tired of waiting around for someone to act like a friend. It hurts but the hiatus isn't his choice. The same way your body falls asleep on its own after being awake for far too long, his brain distances him from everyone else. He can't help it. And the consequence is people get lost. It hurts him but there's nothing he can do. I think I would never have forgiven myself if I had listened to my friends and stopped waiting for him. Jonathan is one of those people in my life that I will not abandon. So I guess the posts were right in a sense.

But I will never claim that waiting is easy. The truth is I put Jonathan over my own mental health. That's what I do. It's not healthy and probably not smart. I struggle a lot and go through a lot of pain just to keep him as a friend. When he takes his break, it genuinely affects me. Logic aside, it hurts me and leaves me lonely. Any other person might not be able to deal with seven months of silence, wondering if the person is safe, wondering if the person is lonely, wondering if the person still loves them. Some people just can't do it. And if we could stop posting stuff normalizing the suffering of people like that, that would be great. Yes, some of our friends need space. We should respect that. We should support them in the best way we can. But you can't hold it against anyone who can't stick around. It isn't always a lack of love or understanding. Some of us just aren't cut out for it. And in the same way WE need to give them space sometimes so that they can care for their mental health, sometimes we need THEM to give up their space and show us support through their presence for the sake of our mental health. Friendship is compromise. It's balanced sacrifice and finding the right balance is hard. Some people just cannot do it and prefer to be with like-minded people who can nurture their needs more easily. There's nothing wrong with that. Please stop pretending that it should be easy for everyone.