Sister In Christ

I wonder if I dislike you because I think you're fake and hypocritical or because you unintentionally remind me of all my flaws and all the things I could never be.

Probably both.

Potential Movie

I want a movie with a normal girl. Who honestly isn't that pretty. To go after a guy who is moderately well known. And for the popular girl to actually be someone nice, who like everybody likes 'cause she's legit a good person. And I want the popular girl to be successful and not even care about whoever the guy is because she's focused on her future. And I want this normal girl to go for the guy for the whole movie and play out some amazing thing like the guy realizes she's a really awesome person. And they become friends. Until he straight up tells her sorry, I'm not interested in you, like at all. And she gets upset. And then she just moves the hell on. And she doesn't have to have like only 2 friends. She can have a whole group of friends. And they are all in different places in their lives. And everything just works because it's not like we have any other choice, so we might as well make it work.

We'll call it reality.

It's Not You It's Me

I've realized another reason we could never work out. When you get mad, you really get mad. You've never put that aggression on me, and you've gotten better at controlling your anger. But I honestly haven't the slightest idea how to make you feel better. And we couldn't work like that. You need someone who can be just as much of a hero to you as you are to them. No sidekicks. Just heroes.

Hopeless Romantic

The moon truly is brilliant tonight.

I walked around campus until I found a nice stone wall, and I sat on it. And I stared at the moon. I eventually found myself humming along to waltzes that popped into my head. Some part of me was hoping a kind stranger would come along and enjoy the moon with me.

Semi-Parasocial

You ever have those people you know but don't really know? Not celebrities. Not even youtubers. Like people in your school. That all your friends talk to. And are basically the group you want to be a part of. I don't mean looking up to the popular kids. Just like, people who have all the same interests as you and you wouldn't even have to pretend to be someone you're not. You just don't have a chance to talk to them really. So you sit there knowing them a lot more than they know you. Caring about them a lot more than they care about you. And just... wanting to be a part of it.

What If No

I thought about your alternate world theory. And how there's different dimensions where one little changed decision changes entire lives. I dunno if they exist. I related it to God, and how he knows everything that will happen, and how each little thing could be affected by another little thing. So. I wondered.

What if we hadn't met?

At first I thought:

What would you be if I weren't in your life? Would you be worse off? Maybe you'd have a girlfriend by now. Maybe you wouldn't know Samie. Or you'd be on your way to marry her. How about all the bad stuff. Or would you trust anyone. Or maybe you'd be nicer. Or a better boyfriend. I don't know. I'm not you.

And then I thought:

What would I be if you weren't in my life?

And the very first answer I came up with was "Happy?" And I regretted it immediately. I don't know. I can't imagine. I don't want to know. This is why God's in charge. He can know. But I don't want to.

hah. anatomy.

I wonder if he's butthurt 'cause I didn't say anything about his penis...

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Part Of Your World

Have you ever just wanted to be a part of something? Even though you knew you couldn't. And it made no logical sense but you just wanted it so badly. To be part of a club. Or a friend group. Or a family. Or even just one particular person's life. You wanted to get their jokes and hold them while they cried and plan fun things and just matter to them.

Because they just look so happy.

Age On the Clock

You know, I thought I was in love at 12. And I agree, it's stupid. Completely stupid. You don't know yourself. You don't know what anything is. Your world is so damn small and you think everything is like the movies when absolutely none of it is. Middle schoolers are pathetic and there is no such thing as a smart middle schooler. Don't blame it on a generation, we were just as bad. Not as slutty, but just as bad. I was a pathetic middle schooler. And I thought I was in love at 12. Which was really, really stupid.

But 6 years later, and I'm still in love with the same person. At least, that's how it feels. So when did it start? Or was I right, even then? Or am I still just a kid who doesn't know anything about anything?

Funny How

My best friend is in Canada. Has been for 4 years. And then there's this kid who means so much to me, and tells me I mean even more to him, off in Florida. And I haven't seen him in at least 2 years.

And I still talk to them more than I do you. Like, they both make it a point to hold conversations with me as often as possible.

This isn't me being mad or whining or blaming you. I just think it's kind of crazy. Especially because I'm watching 3 guys chase Jess at once. Like, try so dang hard. And then I look at us and think... I'm chasing him. And I shouldn't be. We should be equals by now. But we're not. I wonder if I know what's good for me. I mean, not to say I should fall for a kid who lives 14 hours away from me. But still. I just wonder.

It doesn't matter. I can wonder forever. I'll never find the answer and I'll always be in love with you. Because yes, I am in love with you. It's just food for thought.

Statuses

"Little does my friend know that I've spent 4 months making her the best present ever."
You dunno how badly I want that to be about me.

Food for Thought