Wedding Plans

I am the girl who never planned her wedding.

And lately, because of conversations I've been having with several people, I think I might not get married. I mean, I realize people (my mother included) were joking when they said I wouldn't get married. But, like, that's totally possible. I mean I'm the most impatient person on the face of the Earth. And I'm stubborn and dependent. I'd be a horrible mother. Aunt is one thing because when it gets too hard, I'm not the one who has to face the problem. And even then, I have trouble with my niece sometimes. Seriously, the thought of pregnancy and labor and taking care of an infant and losing sleep and giving so much of myself for someone else? It all just scares me because I'm so selfish. And in theory I see very little bad about being married. But in practice I feel like it might just not be what God wants for me. Like, what if His plan is that I don't get married? And instead I travel and work and become successful in my field and do what I love and remain completely content with my life. I mean that happens to some people. What if that's me? And I would have zero right to question God's plan. And I would be grateful every day for the blessing that is loving my job and profiting off of what makes me happy.

And I mean I'm just so picky. A friend of mine got so annoyed with me when I told her I would not tolerate any drinking from the guy I'm with and she said "then you're never going to find anyone" and I said "yes I'm fully aware of that, that's fine". Because I have so many standards. I expect a sweet, charming, guy. Who is Christian. NOT DEBATABLE. And speaks Spanish. And is a gentleman. And sings. And shaves. And shares my interests. And doesn't drink or smoke. And understands that there will be no sex until marriage. And wants to live in MD. And is good with family. And my mom & sister approve of. So basically the boy you bring home to mom and dad. ON PAPER. And then I want recklessness when he's with me. Because I've found guys who are like that, but I'm never attracted to them. Because what I really want is a guy who has a darker side. And can get passionate. And adventurous. I'm so sick of guys who ask if it's okay to kiss me and then give me a peck on the lips. I want someone who will take the moment, grab me and hold me and lock lips with me like he needs me. Because I'm a masochist or something. Or because I'm a child and need someone to be in control. And I keep saying this is just what I want and if the guy's not like this it doesn't matter. BUT IT DOES. IT ALWAYS DOES. I GIVE GUYS A CHANCE AND THEN I END UP NOT BEING HAPPY BECAUSE HE ISN'T WHAT I WANT. So. Until I can freaking get over myself and work on my standards, I'm gonna be alone. Because the only guys who are adventurous aren't Christian boys who want to raise a family. And the only guys who like me always kill the mood by asking if it's okay to kiss me. I just left a scary unhealthy relationship where I gave up all my standards because I had feelings. Feelings weren't enough and once I realized that I was better off for it, God gave me another chance. I can't just waste it and settle for someone. Maybe this chance is just another way to say "hey, you're not gonna end up with anyone. And that's okay".

And I hope that it will be okay. Whatever God's plan is, I will follow it. And right now, me being alone just seems to make the most sense. It's not necessarily what I want. Why the hell would it be? I mean have you seen people in love? Have you WATCHED people FALL in love? Why wouldn't you want that? That unmatched feeling? It's incredible. It's magic. Of course I want that. I would kill for that. For a chance at having someone look at me that way, and kiss me that way, and talk to me that way, and laugh with me that way, and laugh AT me that way. But if God decides that's not for me, well then it's not for me. I have to be okay with it. And if He says it's okay. Then I guess it is okay.