I Am Scared

I was thinking about the person who said those awful things to me back in... April I guess it was. I've kinda made my peace with it. I know that person won't like me and that's fine. We can still be civil, it's not a big deal. But it just scared me to think about how many other people may feel that way. And how many of my friends I may end up losing. And then, today, to see Jason's status just did it. He posted something about Lootcrate making him cringe. The monthly subscription that other people get because it has fun, cute items from various places related to their interests... makes him cringe. Is he that much of a hipster? Is he so terribly affected by the happiness of others? Why can't he ever be happy for someone or post something positive or dare to like what other people like instead of always criticizing every little thing? But the thing is there is no point in me saying anything because then he'll say I'm being ridiculous and taking it too seriously. He might even go as far as to think what the previous person thought. I dunno. I guess I don't want that negativity in my life anyway. But then, who else is like that? How many people am I gonna have to let go of? I'm so bad at that. How many people? Put that on top of Margie not wanting to leave Japan and Charlotte too busy with Spencer and the girls I grew up with all entirely different people now and my church never helping me feel like I belong and even LuzKarime just being far too busy at all times. I haven't felt this lonely in a while. And it hurts. And I'm sure there's plenty of people I can count on that I know will always be there for me. But it's hard to think right now. And I just wanna cry. And I don't even know who to cry to. And I hate being this clingy little mess that I've always been. I hate feeling like I don't matter.

My Light

I know what I want. I f*cking know what I want. I know who I am. I know which path is the right one for me. I know where I'm going. You are not a part of ANY of that. As much as I want you to be, you're not. You're just not. Everything in this world is telling me to get the hell away from you so I can get back to me, because you're no good. So prove me wrong! PROVE ME F*CKING WRONG. And don't act stupid you know you're doing this. You have to. You OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW how f*cking NEEDY I am. You know how much I need to hear the words "I love you" and "I want to be with you". Not just "I want to f*ck you", and hey, I haven't even heard that in a good while. TALK. TO ME. ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES YOUR DAMN MUSIC. You don't have to love me, no one said you did. But don't sit there and get my hopes up and make me f*cking wait for something that will never come. Just say you don't want this and that's fine. I've been dumped by you before, I can go through it again, and I'll survive. But don't f*cking make me wait! I've always waited for you. I've been waiting for you since we met. If I have to wait, remind me why I'm waiting instead of proving to me that it's a lost cause. It's not hard to write a message on facebook, have a conversation for 20 minutes. EVERYONE but you talks to me now. I just can't understand it.

Your music isn't stupid. I love it. And obviously it's your focus. You have work, you have deadlines. And we talked about this. We said it would be a while. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I'd have to wait. You have so much going on. I could never demand anything more from you! It's not my place, it really isn't. I want you to do whatever you feel you have to to feel better. I really just want your happiness. I'm whining. I always whine. Don't listen to me. I'm being selfish... I just feel like I should be this time. I don't think I'm too in the wrong. A message every now and again would be nice. I miss you. Don't you miss me? 

I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I wanna break things. I wanna tear things. I wanna... I don't really know.

Test of Survival

Everyday is a reminder that I won't make it in this business. And if I do, I won't be able to live off just this.

I Believe In Charlie McDonnell