On Lurking

Lurking is important. I mean, it's how you find things out. When someone asks you out, you lurk. You see if you should give this person a chance or if there's no way it will work. When you find someone cute, you lurk. You search for reasons to continue pursuit or cease and desist. When your friend talks about someone you don't know, you lurk. You get your first impression and you now have a basis as you imagine the events your friend describes.

It's also how you learn about the person who doesn't tell you everything. You lurk profile after profile. Social media network after network. Blog after blog after blog. To find more pictures, more quotes, clues about a sense of humor and an inner circle and "What's on your mind?". You find all the rants that we regret in the morning but have to type at 2AM.

And it feels obsessive. Because it kind of is. But you have to do it. You shouldn't have to. But you do. 'Cause it's not like this person is going to tell you what's really going on. So you have to figure it out yourself. Because all you want to do is help. To be included. To matter. To be a part of this person's life. Even if it's only as a friend, you want to be loved and cared for and thought of. And sure, you two catch up every now and again. How have you been? How's school? How's work? Have you seen you know who lately? Any big plans coming up? Nice. Nice. That's as good as it gets. And maybe that's all you really need to know anyway.

But that's not real. You can't tell what anyone's REALLY going through with just that. And you used to know! You used to be so close and involved and know everything the moment it happened. You used to swap stories and give advice and laugh and cry about everything. So why did it stop? And why are you now forced to figure out everything about this person's life through hashtags and reblogged quotes?

I only know of two people who this didn't happen to. Only two friends who still tell me everything and who I still tell all the details to. And who I don't have to go searching through page after page just to know what's going on. And I haven't seen them in years.