More Memory Tears

We talked about seeing each other at Choices. How no one would even know we were together so it would shock everyone. We both hate PDA, but we said we'd have a long, intense kiss in front of everyone, and that's how we'd let them know. We joked about how everyone would react.

I don't know why some part of me still hoped it would happen. How on earth I thought it maybe still had a chance. I wondered if he'd kiss me at all. It's all I wanted to do up in that light booth. I could've stared at him working forever, with his silly commentary and his goofy smile and his stupid bright eyes. Seriously. He's far more handsome than I allowed myself to remember, and all I wanted was for him to finish working, grab me, and pull me into him. But it never happened. As I should've expected. And eventually, I'll be okay with that and maybe even grateful. But for right now, I'm just hurting and miserable. I am aching for his affection. Specifically his. It's not loneliness. It's desperation for one specific person to be just as desperate for me.

I can hold a good conversation with him. I'm so grateful that it doesn't feel weird and he doesn't ignore me and I can keep up a conversation with him. I don't want to just have conversations with him. I don't want to go back to the past year where we barely interacted. I don't want to be civil and enjoy a friendly interaction whenever I see him, as rare as that already is. I want those Senior Week nights back. I want Skype calls where we both stay on too late. I want trips in his truck and his voice on the phone and his arms holding me close. I want to scream and cry and collapse because none of that will ever be real again. I feel so empty. And tomorrow, we go back to our normal lives, and my normal life is no longer the joy and comfort that McDaniel gave me, and I can no longer deny this reality. The world goes on, and it is not going to wait for Nick and I to get back together. We have to keep moving with it.

There Is A God & He Has A Plan

Steps to take, in no real particular order aside from stream of conciousness.

> Accept the response.

> Catch up with Jonathan. Remain platonic, no matter what. This is a relationship that finally makes sense. Don't jeopardize that.

> Get my little tush back to McDaniel where things make sense.

> Hugs all around from the people I need.

> Plan some kick ass Alpha Psi Events for the babies.

> Rehearse my songs for Musical Theatre. Be a freaking star.

> Make myself some hot chocolate. It's been a while.

> Watch absolutely every animated movie I can. It heals me.

> Get someone to pray for me. Because I'm a mess and if I'm still a mess by the end of this week, I will truly need prayer.

> Gym? LOL yeah sure, we'll pretend to add that to the list.

> Maybe cry at some point? I don't think I will. It doesn't feel like I need to cry over this. But be prepared for tears, just in case.

> Write letters. To everyone. Because letters mean love.

> Plan an event for the mentees because they make me happy and I want that to be mutual.

> Read Gone Girl 'cause yo this book just got hella intense

> Look cute. With absolutely no one but yourself in mind. I know you never feel cute but dammit you're gonna try now.

> Listen to some good music. Like get up and dance music. And lay in bed and think about your purpose music. And holy crap does that take me back music. And yaaaas boo werk music. Hit repeat.

> Get over the idea of him. Get over him. Get over the hope that you may have found the right person. It's done. He's gone. It's not only over, it never even started. God has a plan. He has something or someone in mind for you and it will be great. It will be perfect. But realize this real quick. It's not him. And it's not now.

> Be okay.

Every Summer

It's always heartbreaking realizing that some of your closest friends are perfect examples the negativity you're trying to get out of your life. Like, so far gone, there's no point in talking to them about it because it will only hurt both parties. It's especially hard for me because I'm so clingy. -sigh- God is testing me... but I know He's right. I just wish it weren't so many people at once. LOL Summer 2011 all over again.

Anti-Climactic

Seriously. I waited all day. DYING to know what was up. For this? Bro, I know you're venting, but you're retelling my life with different names. I know how this ends. You can stop now.

Vacant, Vapid, Stupid, Perfect

"Keep it at the 10%" my ass.

Thank you, 30 Seconds to Mars, for writing the words I couldn't.

 I’ve been dreaming of things yet to come 

Living, learning, watching, burning 

Eyes on the sun
I’m leaving, gone yesterday  

Brutal, laughing, fighting, fucking  

The price I had to pay
Bright lights, big city  

She dreams of love  

Brights lights, big city  

He lives to run
Demon, where did my angel go  

Vacant, vapid, stupid, perfect  

You are the one 

A new day, a new age, a new face, a new lay,  

A new love, a new drug, a new me, a new you
Bright lights, big city  

She dreams of love  

Brights lights, big city  

He lives to run
I forgive 

Had enough  

Time to live  

Time to love

Your Latest Plan

I don't like it. You said you knew. You told me not to give up hope. But how am I supposed to imagine this place without you? Myself without you? Please don't leave. Don't break me again.

Not Bitter, Just Broken

Hey there, me again. Just wanna remind you I'm here. And to let you know you've broken me. Alrighty. Bye.