Broken Legs

Context: I mentioned yesterday's lesson at church to you. One of the analogies she mentioned was shepherds and sheep, which we see throughout the Bible. What happens in real life is when a sheep runs off, a shepherd will go after it and bring it back home. But sheep are stupid. So so so very mindless and stupid. And it'll run off again. So the shepherd goes out and brings back the little lost sheep. And again and again. Eventually, what a shepherd will do is break the leg of the sheep so that it can't run off. And yes, it hurts, and the sheep is sad. But the wound will heal. And the shepherd only does this so that the sheep won't go get into worse trouble outside. The Bible repeatedly refers to us as sheep. Yes, we are cared for, but we are also very stupid.

So after yesterday's lesson, I of course started thinking about what sins I might've been running to and how God may choose to break my leg. I thought about Nestor, and how broken I felt after the fact, with all the humiliation and rejection and guilt. Maybe the lesson was to explain why I had to hurt so badly and that this is a good thing because now I can be pushed in the right direction instead of constantly crawling back to him. It might also be something in the future, a lesson as a preventative measure. I thought about the tater tots and laughed. I thought about Michael. I've spent a lot of this weekend talking to him. Flirting with him. Enjoying our conversations and pondering a lot of what ifs. I feel stupid for it sometimes. But he makes me happy. That isn't to say I see myself happy with him forever, I still have my doubts. But I'm willing to give it a shot. He asked if I'd like to go on a date one day and I said yes. Because even if the relationship part doesn't work, he's still a cool person and a good friend so it should be a fun time.

I had a dream last night. About Jess Anderson. Michael told her what was going on (or a slightly skewed version, he said that I had been instigating the relationship even though this feels pretty mutual IRL). She wasn't mad, and she never said it wasn't okay. But after a four year relationship, even when you're with somebody else, it can still be a tough reality to handle. She was in the same mindset that I imagine I'd be if someone were to date Nick right now: I'm not happy for you because this is weird and I can only picture this person with me, but it's none of my business and honestly I have zero desire to be with this person so give me some time to be bitter and then I'll be happy for you. She tried to be positive about it around Michael. Fast forward a couple of days and all the alumn (so not Michael) are back at McDaniel for a show or something. And Jess brings it up a lot. And spends the whole day voicing all the reasons why it won't work and she thinks it's a bad idea and we just don't make sense together. Which, if she's a good friend, she would mention to me anyway. But this was always in front of lots of other people and it was incredibly petty. And of course everyone agreed with her and asked how I could do something like that and wasn't it weird? And they all just felt so judgemental and, I dunno, like disappointed parents. I woke up after that.

I'm wondering if this is God trying to warn me before I do something stupid and He has to break my leg. Or maybe this is just my fears showing their head so that I can handle this and talk to Jess early on. I think I'll shoot her a message today. She doesn't need all the details, but she should at least know where my feelings are. I have no clue if this relationship will work in the future, and it is very idiotic of me to even bother right now, considering he'll be in Illinois for a good while, if not forever (he's a theatre kid, he's in the ideal living situation right now). I dunno. But he's visiting before Thanksgiving next week, so I've gotta be sure to pray about this and truly listen to God's advice. Sigh. Oh Sammy. It's always about a boy.

Memory Is the Key

Title is a reference to Red vs Blue, which Eric Allasi got me into.

I mentioned "All I Really Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten" to Eric. And he said "My favorite part was the mirrors". He meant the ending of the show. When we held small mirrors and reflected light. Leave it to Eric to remember my first show. After all, he sat front row at ALL my shows. This kid is seriously the greatest friend in the world.

It Didn't Have To End Like This

Dark Is The Way, Light Is A Place is getting me through tonight. Thank you Anberlin. Can't wait for your next project.

Attack On Titan

AKA Storm Kowaleski's most recent way of RUINING MY LIFE!

But ignore me, 'cause this show is actually hella good.

Disney's Paperman

Shippuden 249

EFF YOU WRITERS

this is my life

Well F*ck

Why does it hurt so much?

The Things We Remember

It's hard to ever forget certain conversations. Especially the ones that last until 6AM.

Who am I kidding, I'm in love with you.

My Light

I know what I want. I f*cking know what I want. I know who I am. I know which path is the right one for me. I know where I'm going. You are not a part of ANY of that. As much as I want you to be, you're not. You're just not. Everything in this world is telling me to get the hell away from you so I can get back to me, because you're no good. So prove me wrong! PROVE ME F*CKING WRONG. And don't act stupid you know you're doing this. You have to. You OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW how f*cking NEEDY I am. You know how much I need to hear the words "I love you" and "I want to be with you". Not just "I want to f*ck you", and hey, I haven't even heard that in a good while. TALK. TO ME. ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES YOUR DAMN MUSIC. You don't have to love me, no one said you did. But don't sit there and get my hopes up and make me f*cking wait for something that will never come. Just say you don't want this and that's fine. I've been dumped by you before, I can go through it again, and I'll survive. But don't f*cking make me wait! I've always waited for you. I've been waiting for you since we met. If I have to wait, remind me why I'm waiting instead of proving to me that it's a lost cause. It's not hard to write a message on facebook, have a conversation for 20 minutes. EVERYONE but you talks to me now. I just can't understand it.

Your music isn't stupid. I love it. And obviously it's your focus. You have work, you have deadlines. And we talked about this. We said it would be a while. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I'd have to wait. You have so much going on. I could never demand anything more from you! It's not my place, it really isn't. I want you to do whatever you feel you have to to feel better. I really just want your happiness. I'm whining. I always whine. Don't listen to me. I'm being selfish... I just feel like I should be this time. I don't think I'm too in the wrong. A message every now and again would be nice. I miss you. Don't you miss me? 

I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I wanna break things. I wanna tear things. I wanna... I don't really know.

Self-Centered

Emily's gone for the weekend. (Maybe cuddles with Jeremy)
Eric is here (Jess' boo. Very cute. Except he smokes which is disappointing)
Nancy & James are off being soulmates.
Sara & Ryan are having issues.
Lauren & Jordan have their issues, but things get talked about. And they talk constantly.

I'm so lonely right now. I miss him. I miss feeling loved. I miss not having to think about it. I seriously feel miserable right now and I have absolutely no good reason. I wanna cry. But I can't. And I also have no reason to cry. Music isn't helping. Cleaning is. I don't want to do homework.

Remixing Beatles Lyrics

Why is it that every time you text, I'm suddenly a million times more excited? Gross. And don't say I love you, because I want you to mean it.

GROSS. Pathetic Sammy is GROSS!