Home for the Holidays

I'm having this realization that people aren't that close to their extended families. Which should be an obvious thing, but it's not.

Most people travel for the holidays. They've got family in different states, so they all pick a house and a giant meal is prepared and they're reunited for one of the few times they see each other all year. They spend a full weekend there. And when they don't travel, they are free to do as they wish for the holidays. As long as some time is spent with immediate family, it's not a big deal. So either teens go out with friends, or the four people in the house go to church together, or whatever.

My family is all within a half hour of each other. They always have been. We grew up together and have been each other's best friends our entire lives. There's never a lot of catching up to do because we already know what's going on. Sometimes people travel or move temporarily. But in all honesty, it's been so lovely having everyone there. My cousins and my aunts aren't just people I see around the holiday season and avoid at parties. They are ALWAYS. THERE. I know them intimately. As a result, we are blessed enough to spend every single holiday together. I can't imagine having grown up apart from them. I can't imagine celebrating anything without them.

Which is why, as I get older, it grows increasingly strange for me to see how different it is for others. I won't say I took my situation for granted because I've always been grateful for it. But it shocks me, even though it shouldn't, that this isn't how everyone lives. I hear about people's closest relatives (outside of immediate family) and most of the memories are reserved for special occasions. They didn't get together after school, they didn't have mutual friends, they didn't have sleepovers on random weekends. It felt so odd and disconnected. They only heard about each other through phone calls and stories from parents. Additionally, they spend New Year's out partying with friends from school or work, or they'll go to church and ring in the New Year with their congregation. I genuinely cannot imagine ever celebrating something so important without my family right by my side. And I'm realizing that a lot of that is because most people don't have that option. It's a blessing to have family so close. It's pretty common practice to not have that, evidently.

So I'm a little torn. Because I love my church, and I love my friends, and it would be so wonderful to enjoy holidays with them. Friendsgiving seems like a beautiful idea! And I agree with my Pastor and his wife, starting the new year right means putting God first, so spending New Years there sounds like a lovely idea. It just genuinely hurts me to think that my entire extended family wouldn't be there. That we could celebrate ANYTHING without all the delicious food and a game playing on TV and pictures in front of that same seagull painting. Eventually, I'll have to choose where I go. Eventually, I may have kids who don't get to live so close to their cousins, and I'll have to work extra hard to help them create and maintain those bonds. I've been so spoiled with this blessing that the thought of living just like everyone else does actually terrifies me and breaks my heart.

New Motifs In Life

• People can never text back but they will carry full conversations with me on snapchat
• Holding hands in cars
• Having conversations about why relationships won't work while already in bed with the person
• "It's just an hour drive, I don't mind"
• "You're cute" "I didn't do anything" "You didn't have to"

Broken Legs

Context: I mentioned yesterday's lesson at church to you. One of the analogies she mentioned was shepherds and sheep, which we see throughout the Bible. What happens in real life is when a sheep runs off, a shepherd will go after it and bring it back home. But sheep are stupid. So so so very mindless and stupid. And it'll run off again. So the shepherd goes out and brings back the little lost sheep. And again and again. Eventually, what a shepherd will do is break the leg of the sheep so that it can't run off. And yes, it hurts, and the sheep is sad. But the wound will heal. And the shepherd only does this so that the sheep won't go get into worse trouble outside. The Bible repeatedly refers to us as sheep. Yes, we are cared for, but we are also very stupid.

So after yesterday's lesson, I of course started thinking about what sins I might've been running to and how God may choose to break my leg. I thought about Nestor, and how broken I felt after the fact, with all the humiliation and rejection and guilt. Maybe the lesson was to explain why I had to hurt so badly and that this is a good thing because now I can be pushed in the right direction instead of constantly crawling back to him. It might also be something in the future, a lesson as a preventative measure. I thought about the tater tots and laughed. I thought about Michael. I've spent a lot of this weekend talking to him. Flirting with him. Enjoying our conversations and pondering a lot of what ifs. I feel stupid for it sometimes. But he makes me happy. That isn't to say I see myself happy with him forever, I still have my doubts. But I'm willing to give it a shot. He asked if I'd like to go on a date one day and I said yes. Because even if the relationship part doesn't work, he's still a cool person and a good friend so it should be a fun time.

I had a dream last night. About Jess Anderson. Michael told her what was going on (or a slightly skewed version, he said that I had been instigating the relationship even though this feels pretty mutual IRL). She wasn't mad, and she never said it wasn't okay. But after a four year relationship, even when you're with somebody else, it can still be a tough reality to handle. She was in the same mindset that I imagine I'd be if someone were to date Nick right now: I'm not happy for you because this is weird and I can only picture this person with me, but it's none of my business and honestly I have zero desire to be with this person so give me some time to be bitter and then I'll be happy for you. She tried to be positive about it around Michael. Fast forward a couple of days and all the alumn (so not Michael) are back at McDaniel for a show or something. And Jess brings it up a lot. And spends the whole day voicing all the reasons why it won't work and she thinks it's a bad idea and we just don't make sense together. Which, if she's a good friend, she would mention to me anyway. But this was always in front of lots of other people and it was incredibly petty. And of course everyone agreed with her and asked how I could do something like that and wasn't it weird? And they all just felt so judgemental and, I dunno, like disappointed parents. I woke up after that.

I'm wondering if this is God trying to warn me before I do something stupid and He has to break my leg. Or maybe this is just my fears showing their head so that I can handle this and talk to Jess early on. I think I'll shoot her a message today. She doesn't need all the details, but she should at least know where my feelings are. I have no clue if this relationship will work in the future, and it is very idiotic of me to even bother right now, considering he'll be in Illinois for a good while, if not forever (he's a theatre kid, he's in the ideal living situation right now). I dunno. But he's visiting before Thanksgiving next week, so I've gotta be sure to pray about this and truly listen to God's advice. Sigh. Oh Sammy. It's always about a boy.

Motivations for Driving

• Daddy stays quiet
• No more asking for rides/inconveniencing anyone
• Easier to search for jobs/work in more places
• Less scheduling conflicts
• Finally able to attend Covenant Life Church permanently
• Able to drive to Canada
• Able to drive myself to New Jersey for Emily's wedding (hopefully 2017!)
• Able to pick Mandy up in the summer so we can both attend Covenant Life Church
• Can drive the niece and nephew around for fun times

Guaranteed Constants

Things that are guaranteed to happen for the rest of my life:

• People will keep saying the word "retarded"
• People will keep cursing around me
• People will keep saying the b word, not realizing how misogynistic it is, women included
• People will keep using the n word, pretending it isn't racist in certain contexts
• People will keep making rape/date rape jokes
• People will keep joking about very delicate subjects in harmful ways
• I will continue to be upset and bothered by all the aforementioned things
• I will continue to voice my dislike of the aforementioned things
• I will continue to explain, as calmly and logically as I can, why it isn't okay
• People will still make excuses for their behavior
• People will still say everyone gets offended too easily
• People will still call me a social justice warrior or PC police
• People will still go on and on about how words shouldn't be given power, despite words being one of mankind's most powerful tools
• I will always be exhausted by this subject
• I will always be upset, regardless of all excuses, name calling, and "freedom of speech" rants
• I will always speak up about it, fully aware of the fact that it may change nothing and even annoy people, in the hopes that someday one person will listen and get it

More Memory Tears

We talked about seeing each other at Choices. How no one would even know we were together so it would shock everyone. We both hate PDA, but we said we'd have a long, intense kiss in front of everyone, and that's how we'd let them know. We joked about how everyone would react.

I don't know why some part of me still hoped it would happen. How on earth I thought it maybe still had a chance. I wondered if he'd kiss me at all. It's all I wanted to do up in that light booth. I could've stared at him working forever, with his silly commentary and his goofy smile and his stupid bright eyes. Seriously. He's far more handsome than I allowed myself to remember, and all I wanted was for him to finish working, grab me, and pull me into him. But it never happened. As I should've expected. And eventually, I'll be okay with that and maybe even grateful. But for right now, I'm just hurting and miserable. I am aching for his affection. Specifically his. It's not loneliness. It's desperation for one specific person to be just as desperate for me.

I can hold a good conversation with him. I'm so grateful that it doesn't feel weird and he doesn't ignore me and I can keep up a conversation with him. I don't want to just have conversations with him. I don't want to go back to the past year where we barely interacted. I don't want to be civil and enjoy a friendly interaction whenever I see him, as rare as that already is. I want those Senior Week nights back. I want Skype calls where we both stay on too late. I want trips in his truck and his voice on the phone and his arms holding me close. I want to scream and cry and collapse because none of that will ever be real again. I feel so empty. And tomorrow, we go back to our normal lives, and my normal life is no longer the joy and comfort that McDaniel gave me, and I can no longer deny this reality. The world goes on, and it is not going to wait for Nick and I to get back together. We have to keep moving with it.

For The Anxious Moments

About That

"I was once with a guy who was super introverted, socially quiet, very serious and respectful. He's always so polite and reserved. Like he's not out there at all. But sexually? He's... I don't know how to phrase it... He's in control. He's not dominating. Like he won't tell you what to do or take a dom position. But he doesn't have to. He just gets what he wants. He puts you exactly where he wants you. Strong enough to pull you and place you and all of it. You won't even know what happened. It takes a good five minutes before you can tell him to stop because you didn't even realize when something happened!"

"Okay it sounds kinda weird, but it sounds like my brother would be like that, you know?"

Girl, I am TALKING about your brother.

Happy Memory Tears

I want to write them down. I don't want them to expire or fade away ever. Even if they make me cry.


The night that I was in his room for the first time, he took a while to actually hold me. But he finally did. And the feeling of his hand running up and down my skin was electrifying. It was so simple but it reached my whole body. And I wondered if he would ever kiss me. I'm glad he let us finish the movie first. I'm glad he joked with me about me pushing him off the bed. It was funny how he struggled with my clothes. And how whenever I looked away from him, the TV screen gave me all sorts of emotions. I had plans that evening and other people to see. But I never wanted to leave that room.

Wednesday night, we stayed up til around 4. And just kissed on the couch. I wore nothing but his shirt. I'm obsessed with that shirt. It was the first time he complimented my eyes. He also told me about how I looked so good in my dress at formal that I put him in a corner. I might not ever believe those words fully but I'll replay them a million times.

Thursday, we were in the living room. Torreke and Jonathan joked about whatever. I don't remember. I just remember the occasional kisses on the top of my head. And how inviting they felt. How sweet they were. I remember Mariah smiling in the background.

On my couch at home, he told me what our first time would be like. I played with the idea of him being my first and my only. "You have the best bedroom eyes I've ever seen".

"You are the most vocal person I've ever been with and I love it."

On the day of graduation, the last time I saw him was while getting ready. And it was our last goodbye. He complimented my dress. And he told me he was so so proud of me.

I was scrambling to pack after graduation. And I was stressed and sad and hurting and I didn't ever want to leave McDaniel. Nor did I want to spend forever packing when my family was waiting for me. But wearing his shirt kept me sane. I sent him a picture in the car to keep myself from crying. And it apparently kept him sane, too.

"Because you're a giant nerd. And what do we say about nerds? Nerds. Are. Hot."

Back home, on my bed, we said we loved each other for the first time.

He also said my cami and no pants was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

He would compliment my legs. My butt, a lot. My eyes. My smile. He always called me beautiful. And when I told him I didn't see what he saw, he said he'd remind me every day until I did. And he kept that promise the whole way through.

He got into the tiniest accident. It put a damper on his mood the whole day. When we sat at lunch, he was obviously overwhelmed about it and he was mad at himself. I grabbed his hands and I told him I loved him. His eyes softened up immediately.

He told a story about his cousin swearing his hat was in his cousin's car. He knew it was in his own and he told his cousin, "my girl even put it on". I loved being called "my girl".

Upon telling him the lame, nerdy reasons behind naming my SmartTrip cards, he said "I need you here right now".

"How did I get so lucky?"

His answers to my work problems somehow always included fire.

He said he used to stare at me during meetings. I didn't catch him once.

When he walked into the greenroom once, I sprawled across the couch and told him to love me. Apparently some of my shirt lifted and he saw skin and freaked out, thinking if he hugged me, he'd be too inappropriate and what was the right angle to hug if she's sorta lying down and is this too long? This is too long.

We passed each other on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays as he was leaving class and I was starting my day. Sometimes he wouldn't say hi back. He told me he'd so look forward just to seeing me for those two seconds. It was two. Seconds.

"It's the way you look at me. It's not fair."

Yay Progress

I've passed Stage One of the breakup.

Where I'm sad ALL the time and spend every second of every day thinking about him and missing all the little things we had. Where I cry because I won't hold his hand in a car anymore or I go to bed not having Skyped him or I wonder if I'm ever going to get to watch all the things we said we would watch together, and if I do will I miss him the entire time? Where you look at old text messages and think about how good it used to be. Because it used to be SO. GOOD.

I am now at Stage Two. 


Where life is lonely on your own. Where you realize HEY HE IS GONNA BE JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU. And you're not fine. You're afraid of the next time you see him because by now, maybe he will have moved on despite the fact that you clearly have not. Where all the old text messages are too old, so they're all deleted now. You can't read them and pretend anymore. This is your reality now. What's worse is you're sorta kinda used to it being the bleak and boring and redundant every single day.

Whee.

The Modesty Issue

Sidenote, I'm 10000% over the mirror effect.

Ang told me about a friend of hers from school who runs THIS blog. And I very much like the idea. I know there's a pretty big community for this stuff. I like that these girls are telling the world that women don't have to show skin to look good. And if you look at these pictures, WOW the girl works it. Like, she looks phenomenal. I kind of want her to design my entire wardrobe? I wish I had so many fun skirts and tops and I could decorate my shoes like she does and WOW. Mind you, all that takes money so like, good for her that she can afford to make all these things (yes she does make a lot of her own clothing). Regardless, it's a cool idea and very important. Girls need to learn to be confident regardless of the outfit. They are more than what they wear, or don't wear. But like, these blogs have the exact opposite effect on me.

I tried on a dress today that showed off my midriff and my whole back. It's fitted and it's NOT too short but it teases the too short line. Wow, I liked that dress. I'm not at a point where I love my body. So automatically I was like, hmm, this is fitted and shows off the stomach I haven't been able to fully work off. I've been pretty hard on my own body since the breakup, though that's mostly because I gained a good bit while I was in Chicago. Still, I don't HATE my body anymore. I'm not DISGUSTED by myself anymore. I feel only the smallest bit more confidence and that means everything to me. I didn't hate how I looked in this dress. And my mom, obviously, said no to it because para que voy a estar enseñando todo, right? I've already conceded that I'm not an adult and my mom owns me until she dies. But I'm SO ridiculously upset by this?? Like, I felt so good and that's not gonna happen again. Fact of the matter is I have no clue where I would wear it and I'm sure plenty of people might think I'm too big for it. I don't care. I don't dress for other people. I PERSONALLY LOVED wearing it and so even if I only wore it around the house, I'd wear it and feel good in it. But no. Kay. Cool. 

I decide to deal with my annoying mood by looking at this blog and reminding myself that I don't need to show my body to look good. But like, I don't feel good? Like, when I go shopping I see this cute stuff and I try it on and WOW I hate how it looks. I look like a potato. Or a five year old. I look like a little girl that wants to dress like her mommy. I don't feel like me. It looks good, just not on ME. And so looking at the blog just made me feel like "hey, you can't pull this off. You NEED to show skin and wear bold makeup otherwise you look absolutely ordinary and unimpressive. To everyone INCLUDING yourself." 

My mom also mentioned that a dress like that doesn't let people know I'm Christian. But that never made sense to me. I don't see skirts and automatically think "Christian". I see skirts and think, cute, you decided to dress up today, good for you. Some men don't think "Christian" or "dress up", they think "easy access", which is sorta terrifying when you ride the bus home! I've never been comfortable in skirts and for me to wear one is a MAJOR decision when getting dressed. It's active effort on my part. Aside from the "should women wear skirts" debate, if I see a girl who is covered up and wearing pants and whatever blouse, I don't think a single thing about it. You wear clothing. Cool. I am not automatically calling into question the spiritual life of every person I see simply because someone's shirt shows their stomach a little. I don't think "oh, she must not be Christian", I think "WOW good for you for having the confidence that I never had even though Christian women are supposedly meant to EXUDE confidence since our bodies are given to us by God". I'm all about wearing appropriate clothing for the moment. There are certain things you do and don't wear to school, work, church, the beach, a funeral, a wedding, the theater, and so on. But just every day out and about? Literally who cares?! What do you know about the person? Nothing. Clothes tells you nothing. It's so easy to dress to the nines and never set foot in a church in your life. The person who judges based on clothing is a fool. Clothes means nothing. And I'm not saying men don't get the modesty talk either because I know it happens. But other than "pull your pants up" and "wear a clean shirt", the most I USUALLY hear is "wear a tie to church". With women, it HAS to be a dress or skirt, but it has to be certain lengths at the bottom, it can't have any openings other than head, arms, and legs, the sleeves can't be too short because HEAVEN FORBID WE SHOW SHOULDERS, and it can't be too tight.

Quite frankly, for completely separate reasons, I keep thinking about how much being a woman is kind of awful. Like, yes, we get the miracle of birth and giving life. But not all women can do that. So do those women have nothing? What about the women who DO NOT WANT CHILDREN, either because they just do not like kids, their bodies can't handle pregnancy, or they fear the ultimate responsibility of shaping a soul and giving up almost their entire selves to another being all while having every choice they make judged and not being financially stable enough or selfless enough to do the job adequately?! Honestly, being a mom is such a scary thought for me. It always has been. And what if I have a daughter?! I don't know how I could do it. How I could look at this beautiful child with hopes and dreams and optimism and tell her what it means to be a woman.

"You're going to have pain during puberty. It's different for everyone, but for some people it's the most crippling four days you can imagine. For others it's just a lot of heavy bleeding out of your vagina for more than the normal 3-7 day range, and the start day completely unpredictable. Whatever your scenario ends up being, you're going to have it for the rest of your life. Unless you get pregnant. In which case you won't feel anything for a few months and then you'll feel the worst pain known to humankind. And then, when you're too old to go through the same nonsense every month, you'll go through something else which makes your body a whole different kind of uncomfortable and your hormones a whole different kind of unstable. All of this will cost immense amounts of money because there are people who view the items necessary for these natural, inevitable processes as a luxury. People will question what you wear every day. People will remind you consistently of what you can't do. Despite your intelligence, determination, and qualifications, lots of people will tell you that you can't be a leader. Some will tell you that you shouldn't even have a job. People will buy you dresses and pink things and dolls and all sorts of fun toys, just as long as they aren't related to science, engineering, construction, or anything too manly. You will be told that you can't let boys touch you, but no one will tell the boys not to touch you. The boys will be across the hall in another room learning about Wisdom and you will be learning about Purity. You will be told that your body is not your own and that it belongs to God every day for the rest of your life UNTIL you get married, in which case it will belong to your husband. You will have to allow your husband to tell you what you can and can't wear or do, not that he will necessarily care about any of that, but if he does you HAVE to listen. When he makes dumb decisions and can't get past his own ideals to see another point of view, you still have to let him lead. Your sex drive will be ignored by a whole lot of people, and some men will pretend they care about it because they think they are God's gift to women. Every emotion you ever feel about anything will be used against you. And then it will be devalued and overlooked because obviously your emotions are meaningless, invalid, and probably just due to the hormones you can't control. Some people will completely ignore your wants and needs until you get a man to voice them for you. You will be called some absolutely horrible names, whether you are the sweetest and most innocent girl on the planet or you commit every crime in the book. And yes, you are expected to take it, either because you deserve it or good girls don't talk back. You will be taught to hate other girls or view them as competition. You will be taught to hate yourself. You will be reminded of your age consistently, and that age will be tied to questions such as when you'll get married, when you'll have kids, or why you don't want to have more kids. Any decision you make will always be your fault, never your partners. People will try to take your success away every chance they get. People will hurt you verbally and physically without repercussions. You will be told for your entire life that your value rests in your looks and your ability to get a man. And no matter how many times God, the bible, your family, your friends, books, or the internet tell you differently, some part of you will always believe that your value rests in your looks and your ability to get a man."

How do you warn an innocent soul about this? Why would you ever want to put anyone through this? Why can't we just wear pants and revealing dresses without being blamed for a man's lack of will power or his instability in his faith? How do you change these horrendous ideals when your own family and church tell you that some of them just have to stay? How do you continue to positively live in a world like that? How can you expect anyone else to?

Leaving Our Hearts At McDaniel

I spent seven years somewhere with Jonathan. I still don't know when I fell in love with him. Maybe not until college, or until summer of 2010 when we had our huge fight, or after we broke up after middle school, or maybe the first time I heard him play piano in that choir room in 7th grade. Point is I fell in love. And, with the help of his horrible ex girlfriend, I learned that he wasn't meant for me and I wasn't meant for him. In a matter of months, I felt cleansed. It was one of the greatest joys I'd ever known. That freedom felt so beautiful. And I thought it had passed. 

Until April 22, when he managed to shatter my heart unknowingly. I never expected it and I wasn't ready. But my resolve didn't change. I knew we didn't work together and nothing would change that, and so I needn't bother to try. I'd continue my life. And I prayed that this pain would pass. 

It hasn't yet. I don't want the fun that we had or the fooling around because it feels empty. We joke and we flirt and we talk about doing whatever, but at the end of the day the only person I want any of that with is Nick. Jonathan may be the best there is, but it feels like a whole different thing with Nick. I want someone who wants me, and who needs it to be me. Someone who isn't satisfied with anyone else. Someone who will be there after the fun. And Jonathan can never give that to me. So my feelings will have to pass, one day, somehow. I want to be happy with someone else. 

And the jealousy I feel when I think of who could make Jonathan happy? The hurt and the pain when I realize it will never be me and it may very well Stephanie, who I never wanted him to even speak to? I need that to pass. I need that to go away. Because today, when he mentioned her name, I froze. It wasn't the level of fear of hurt that Samie caused, nowhere near that. But he knows how much I fear that relationship, and he's crushing on her anyway. Maybe my initial fear of them was because I still loved him and didn't know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I think they're wrong for each other. And if I'm right, I have to watch them get hurt. And if he's right, then I get hurt.

What's more, he is so hurt about her turning him down that I feel like I can't reach him. I'm once again afraid of being nothing more than a distraction and a convenience. Because I'm the girl who always comes back. And I NEED that to pass. I can't let him make me feel like that again. He doesn't even know he does it, and I know if I told him then he would just never mention any other girl ever again, which isn't what I want. I just don't get why we both had to leave our hearts at McDaniel. It was already so hard for me to imagine going back and seeing Nick and not being able to kiss him and hold his hand and laugh with him like we did, but now I have to see Stephanie as the girl I can't compare to. I mean what am I to Jonathan? Why, if he can try for someone he barely knows, could he never try for me? He can hit on me and hook up with me and whatever else but it's never anything real. Why does it have to be her? Why can't I convince him that she's no good for him? And why does she have to turn him down? If she'd said yes, he could've figured this out on his own. But now he'll just want her more and miss her more and count her as one of the few genuine girls he had feelings for. Was I ever one of them? Am I the one night stand girl to him? Did him ever feel something for me?

The worst part is I want him to love me because I love him, and I want us both to move on completely together. And I want to be with Nick and know that I get all the fun and crazy and passionate stuff I got with Jonathan, but it means more because this person whole heartedly loves me. And I don't want to miss Jonathan and think about what would've happened if we were together. I want to know that nothing Jonathan could've been for me would ever be what Nick is to me. And I want to watch you be happy and know that you're much happier with someone else than I ever could've made you. I want us all to be the happiest we can be and I want the hurt to stop.  Why does that all feel so impossible?

Overdue Conversations

My mom and I got into a fight. A fight that further confirmed we will never fully get along. Which is not okay for a mother and daughter, especially ones who walk in the faith. But I just do not like her as a person. Like, I adore her as a mother and I respect her as as guardian and a guide. But if she were some person I worked with or went to school with, we would not get along. Coping with that is hard. And it leads to arguments like today where we both get our feelings hurt and we both play the victim and no progress is made. But it forced me to tell her about my depression, finally. She knows now. She thought I was depressed about specific situations. She didn't know the severity. And I absolutely hate to think this is now a thing she has to live with and think about frequently and pray about. Like. Ugh. This is now her burden. And she's making sure I see a counselor regularly. Which is not what I wanted. But honestly, I needed it. I'm grateful. I need this. I need to prioritize my health. So, maybe it's good we fought.

I had a meltdown. I sobbed. I freaked out. I texted Nick. And he was there for me almost immediately. He comforted me a little but mostly just spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and handle this, and he talked me through some steps, more or less. It was so nice to know that he was there for me and he cared. And then the conversation was over 'cause he went to bed. And I felt really, really empty. It's crazy, the effect he has on my body and my mind. This is my life now.

Blessings In Disguise (Pt. 2)

Angelique has never been my favorite person. That's a lie. She was once. But it's been a very long time. And after the major mistake I made in November, I felt our relationship was absolutely broken. I thought I'd ruined everything forever, and I felt so guilty when I saw her that it made me physically ill. I was learning to cope with the idea that we'd never be able to exist in the same space comfortably. And within the formality of church, that seemed like it was just my new reality.

Ang is filling in at work this week. Since so many people have been on vacation, she was called to help out around the office. She's had several positions in the office before, so she can handle it. She's done with her summer job with her school so now she's fully available to work at the office temporarily and even go to our church again. I was kind of devastated when I found out. I was scared to be at work. I wanted to count down the days until she left again. But it's not necessary. I don't know if it's the different setting or what, but everything is just so much easier. We can joke with each other. We can have genuine conversations. We work together. And it's pleasant. The whole thing feels so easy. I don't feel any animosity. And that's all I've wanted for so long. I wanted God to take those negative feelings away and help us support one another despite our different paths in life. I finally feel okay doing that.

I don't expect us to be best friends now. We're far too different. We barely see each other. There's a lot of things she says and believes that I just can't support or agree with. I'm not entirely too keen on getting close to someone who posts about #AllLivesMatter or makes every conversation about her school or her boyfriend. But we're friendly. We're civil. We can move past the idiotic mistakes we (I) made and love one another as we're called to do. I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. But I do. Finally.

Introverted Broken Boys

I'm panicking about my hypocrisy.

I always sit here and talk about how important religion is to me. How I need to be with a Christian guy, and that God has to be the center of our relationship. When it's not a relationship, I dare to fool around and outright ignore Him. It's not like I forget. I don't come home and realize. I tune His voice out and then pretend He will forgive me.

I feel like the only guy who should be counted as Christian is Nestor. And that wasn't even real. It was a figment of my imagination, my wishful thinking, my ignorance of God's plan for me. I pretended He wanted this when He made it clear earlier that it wasn't for me. Nestor may have been good for me but I could do nothing for him. I'd never help him grow. Matt and Andrew may have been Christian, but they lived in ways I couldn't condone, and I am unsure how those who fear God would. Regardless, they would not have helped me grow. I would have stayed comfortable, pretending that my relationship with God was stronger because I was with a man who identified as Christian. It takes more than that. Besides, not a single one of them was real. It was all maybes and somedays and we'll sees and it all ended up being nothing.

The only real relationship I've ever had, where my family knew and his family knew and we went on dates and were an official couple was with Storm. Which lasted two weeks. And sure as heck did not improve my relationship with God.

I feel like every time I lie to my mom about their religious background, I'm convincing myself. By saying Storm went to church with his uncle, or Xabiel went to church with Aarik, or Jonathan still played piano with his church, or Eric was curious and wanted to go but never could because of family. It's not real! They go occasionally and sure they may enjoy it but it's not a priority and it's not a lifestyle! How can I grow from that?! Who am I kidding, saying that this is so freaking important to me and I just ignore it every single time.

No one before Storm was official with my mom. Not one. And not a single one of them was Christian. Meaning my only real relationship, if you can call it that, was with one of the worst exes I've ever had. Not because he was a bad person or wasn't an amazing friend. But there were hardly any feelings there and it was over before I blinked. Even Xabiel, who I consider the best boyfriend I've ever had, was somewhat hidden from my family AND was doomed from the start because I knew that I wanted more out of my future.

AND YET I KEEP FALLING INTO THIS PATTERN. Introverted, broken boys who don't know what they're doing with their futures and therefore have very little ability to improve mine. I fall for this same type every time and somehow convince myself that this little bit of them that doesn't completely hate Christianity can be converted?! It's probably what I did with Ethan. It's definitely what I'm doing with Nick. "I'm willing to give it a try" does not equate to a man who will bring me closer to God. It's someone I have to watch and help and guide. I am happy to do this for a friend. I'm happy to do this for anyone who will listen. Significant others are different. Relationships should not always mean waiting for the other person to catch up. Relationships should not stunt my spiritual growth. Growing together is one thing, but this is more likely to push me back.

So why am I sticking around with this kid? It makes no sense. I'm holding out because he makes me feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happier with him. I feel at peace with him. I have fun and I can be myself. I feel safe and protected. He's inspiring and entertaining and passionate and loving and every second I get to know him more, I enjoy him more. But I don't love him, and I refuse to say it as much as I want to because I know that's just my desire to be in love talking. I have no damn clue where my feelings for Jonathan are at because, despite the fact that I GENUINELY believe I can't wait for them to go away 100% since that's impossible, something is still there and probably will be for years to come. Wherever I'm at probably isn't fair to Nick. And even if Jonathan were not a factor and I didn't almost let my life end because he slept with someone else and I were completely over him and only interested in Nick, that doesn't change the fact that somewhere down this road, Nick will have to make a choice about his faith and it HAS to be for him and not me AND EVEN THEN I won't be able to be with him and have a family with him because I don't want to do all the teaching in a relationship. But of course, if I break things off preemptively, then that's just stupid. Because then I'm only looking at obstacles. And his health would probably suffer from it.

The guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. I thought I had it in JuanJosé but we're different people now, and I know I couldn't make him happy. He probably couldn't make me happy spiritually either, though I don't know that for sure, but I guess it's easier to think that way. The few others I knew were taken, and happily so. And even Nestor wasn't all I expected. He has since come up from that dark place and has grown spiritually (at least visibly), but he's held onto some darkness, and whether or not he's aware, he caused me to fall in the process. How can I say I'm settling if I don't know any other way?

I'm in so much pain. The day Nick tells me he loves me I may just burst into tears. Because how can I let such an amazing person go? I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. But I have to unless a major change happens. And I don't know if he even counts as the same person after that.




A separate note entirely. I miss Idalis. I feel like she may be the one person I could talk to about this. And I can't talk to her. My heart aches.

Como se dice

What's the polite way to say I literally cannot stand your shrill voice and if you butcher one more Disney song I may actually have to cut your head off?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO A HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME SONG YOU DO NOT WANT TO SING IT IN FRONT OF ME.

Consequences

It has become evident to me that the mistakes I made with Angelique, Nestor, and Ethan are going to be with me for the rest of my life. These are mistakes that have shaped me, will continue to hurt, and will continue to make me grow.

Stage Moms

Jess and I did not always agree. But we made things work. We did our very best. Did I feel jealous at times? Sure. I probably voiced it, too. But it happens. Mae wanted Jess. It was bound to happen.

Lyndsay was brilliant to work with, but she also took a sideline role most of the time. She helped me when I needed it, and otherwise stayed quiet. We didn't disagree on much. She was just good.

I hate working with Jen. This is miserable. I'm so sick of Jen. I have been all year. But it's just getting worse and worse every day. I get it, I'm annoying and overbearing and say stupid crap. I do. It's real. But holy crap, role your eyes at me again and watch me deck you. I'm livid and it's just because she's present. Because she complains about every damn thing and is always in some kind of pain or stress or Lord knows what. I hate being around her. Honestly. It makes me angry. It fills me with negativity. I do not like the way she handles things, ESPECIALLY as a Stage Mom. And I am not the end all be all in this position and I won't pretend I can do it all because I can't. But she infuriates me. And I have to tolerate her for three more months. I hate living with her. That's miserable enough. But the ONE THING that makes me happy and makes me feel like I have purpose has always been my job as a Stage Mom. And she CANNOT take that from me. I freaking refuse.

That's Cute Try Again

Okay, he DOES NOT get to call me on that. Especially since he unfriended me on Facebook for like a year.

I made a choice after high school. It was a hard one and it took me a while to actually do it, but I made it and finally executed. After high school, I would stop being the one to always make the plans and always call and text and see how other people have been doing. I'd let them come to me once in a while. And if they did, of course I'd reciprocate. They could ask about me and ask to see me and it would be just fine. But they didn't. A lot of people, THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, did not bother! So why the heck should I? If you miss me, you will contact me, is that not the case? Why does our friendship completely rely on me doing work? It freaking shouldn't. Apparently it did. So I am to blame. Well if that's the case, my bad. You're right. You are 100% correct. I stopped trying. Whoops. Too bad, so sad. Explains why none of my boys stuck around. The fact is I still see Jonathan. I still see Charlotte and Margie. Even SPENCER shoots me a message maybe twice a year. Kimberly and I can still talk, man. I see Evan at least once a year, and it's such a beautiful reunion. I STILL TALK TO MY TWO BEST FRIENDS IN CANADA. Me not being physically in front of you should not affect this friendship, and the people who CARED knew that. So whoops. My. Bad. Deuces.

Suicide Squad

I HAVE SO MANY FREAKING FEELINGS ABOUT THIS CRAPPY MOVIE OMG IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN RELEASED YET.

Firstly, Jared Leto. Mind you, I didn't know anything about it until a search just now, but now I'm aware. I am all about trusting rape accusations and listening to those who are brave enough to speak up, but something about this just doesn't feel legitimate. I'm staying out of it, because a few tumblr posts does not educate me on the subject at all. HOWEVER, I'm more than a little tired of bad directors leading to bad press for Leto. It happened with Dallas Buyers Club when everyone was angry that he wasn't trans but played trans (heaven forbid actors play something they are not). That is 120% the fault of the casting director. Leto did all he could to portray the role well. Why be angry with him? And when it comes to the joker, I don't know if I'll like his performance. Jack has always been my favorite joker. I'm not sure if I like where this joker is going, and I don't know if that's bad acting choices or bad directing choices. But this meme about Jared & his director is so stupid. Not the meme itself, because it's admittedly pretty funny. But like, his director needs to chill tf out. He clearly doesn't know anything about Jared Leto. Much as I love that man, he's a child and a little punk and he always has been. He does stuff like this all the time. That doesn't make him the Joker incarnate. Chill. Please.

Furthermore, they are doing my girls dirty. I don't appreciate it. These costumes are a hot ass mess. I mean they look good, the girls look good, but you're not doing these characters justice! We get it, the actresses are hot. That's not the point of these incredibly complex and memorable characters. And everyone in the world knows I love me some Harley Quinn. I adore her, she's my favorite comic book character period. But they're treating her all wrong. Yes she's fun and quirky and insane! But she's not a ditz! She is humorous and says weird crap but the trailer made her playful banter look so damn forced! Need I remind you HARLEEN QUINZEL IS A FREAKING GENIUS. I don't need to talk more about that, there's an article online that more than accurately articulates my frustrations with how Harley is being handled. Yes, Harley is a badass, but I think Suicide Squad is showing the wrong sides of her. People won't love her because she's brilliant and devoted and strong and a SURVIVOR, they'll love her 'cause she's hot and fun and the Joker's play thing. I'm upset. I'M UPSET.

I have so many feelings. Oh my goodness.

Sometimes

Every now and again.

I think back to a boy who was stupidly charming. Who would spout off Greek histories as if he had lived them. Who saw a lot of good in me that I did not see in myself. A boy who said howdy. Wore RT merch and flannel. A boy who lived out in a wide open space. Who knew how to answer when I said "tell me something". And knew that he could ask it, too. Who dreamed just as big as I did about all of the things to come. A boy who promised me the world after barely knowing me a week. Who sang to me. Whose voice became deeper and raspier as the night went on and he found the courage to say the most indecent things. And it was fun. And stupid. And crazy. But fun.

And I'm so glad I found the strength to leave that boy behind. And I wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to find all the fun and the daydreams that he brought me with someone else. Someone who is also mature and honest and committed. And who I don't have to worry about kissing. Someone who exists through more than screens. Someone just as playful, who knows when it's time to stop playing.