Happy Memory Tears

I want to write them down. I don't want them to expire or fade away ever. Even if they make me cry.


The night that I was in his room for the first time, he took a while to actually hold me. But he finally did. And the feeling of his hand running up and down my skin was electrifying. It was so simple but it reached my whole body. And I wondered if he would ever kiss me. I'm glad he let us finish the movie first. I'm glad he joked with me about me pushing him off the bed. It was funny how he struggled with my clothes. And how whenever I looked away from him, the TV screen gave me all sorts of emotions. I had plans that evening and other people to see. But I never wanted to leave that room.

Wednesday night, we stayed up til around 4. And just kissed on the couch. I wore nothing but his shirt. I'm obsessed with that shirt. It was the first time he complimented my eyes. He also told me about how I looked so good in my dress at formal that I put him in a corner. I might not ever believe those words fully but I'll replay them a million times.

Thursday, we were in the living room. Torreke and Jonathan joked about whatever. I don't remember. I just remember the occasional kisses on the top of my head. And how inviting they felt. How sweet they were. I remember Mariah smiling in the background.

On my couch at home, he told me what our first time would be like. I played with the idea of him being my first and my only. "You have the best bedroom eyes I've ever seen".

"You are the most vocal person I've ever been with and I love it."

On the day of graduation, the last time I saw him was while getting ready. And it was our last goodbye. He complimented my dress. And he told me he was so so proud of me.

I was scrambling to pack after graduation. And I was stressed and sad and hurting and I didn't ever want to leave McDaniel. Nor did I want to spend forever packing when my family was waiting for me. But wearing his shirt kept me sane. I sent him a picture in the car to keep myself from crying. And it apparently kept him sane, too.

"Because you're a giant nerd. And what do we say about nerds? Nerds. Are. Hot."

Back home, on my bed, we said we loved each other for the first time.

He also said my cami and no pants was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

He would compliment my legs. My butt, a lot. My eyes. My smile. He always called me beautiful. And when I told him I didn't see what he saw, he said he'd remind me every day until I did. And he kept that promise the whole way through.

He got into the tiniest accident. It put a damper on his mood the whole day. When we sat at lunch, he was obviously overwhelmed about it and he was mad at himself. I grabbed his hands and I told him I loved him. His eyes softened up immediately.

He told a story about his cousin swearing his hat was in his cousin's car. He knew it was in his own and he told his cousin, "my girl even put it on". I loved being called "my girl".

Upon telling him the lame, nerdy reasons behind naming my SmartTrip cards, he said "I need you here right now".

"How did I get so lucky?"

His answers to my work problems somehow always included fire.

He said he used to stare at me during meetings. I didn't catch him once.

When he walked into the greenroom once, I sprawled across the couch and told him to love me. Apparently some of my shirt lifted and he saw skin and freaked out, thinking if he hugged me, he'd be too inappropriate and what was the right angle to hug if she's sorta lying down and is this too long? This is too long.

We passed each other on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays as he was leaving class and I was starting my day. Sometimes he wouldn't say hi back. He told me he'd so look forward just to seeing me for those two seconds. It was two. Seconds.

"It's the way you look at me. It's not fair."