Overdue Conversations

My mom and I got into a fight. A fight that further confirmed we will never fully get along. Which is not okay for a mother and daughter, especially ones who walk in the faith. But I just do not like her as a person. Like, I adore her as a mother and I respect her as as guardian and a guide. But if she were some person I worked with or went to school with, we would not get along. Coping with that is hard. And it leads to arguments like today where we both get our feelings hurt and we both play the victim and no progress is made. But it forced me to tell her about my depression, finally. She knows now. She thought I was depressed about specific situations. She didn't know the severity. And I absolutely hate to think this is now a thing she has to live with and think about frequently and pray about. Like. Ugh. This is now her burden. And she's making sure I see a counselor regularly. Which is not what I wanted. But honestly, I needed it. I'm grateful. I need this. I need to prioritize my health. So, maybe it's good we fought.

I had a meltdown. I sobbed. I freaked out. I texted Nick. And he was there for me almost immediately. He comforted me a little but mostly just spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and handle this, and he talked me through some steps, more or less. It was so nice to know that he was there for me and he cared. And then the conversation was over 'cause he went to bed. And I felt really, really empty. It's crazy, the effect he has on my body and my mind. This is my life now.