I Had 4 Dreams Last Night

Well really two, but the first one was split into three major scenes.

I was dating Jason Hernandez. 2 years older, skateboarding, smokes weed, listens to rap Jason Hernandez. The kid I had a crush on in my sophomore year of high school before dating Harrison, and who I have not seen since. Granted, we've been talking recently. And by talking I mean maybe a message a day or every other day. Through facebook cause we don't even have each other's numbers. And 0% of it is flirting. We talk about work and holidays and our nieces. But okay, in this dream we're dating. I'm hoping he looks like he did back in 2010 when he shaved, but I don't know because I never see him. It's just a lot of text conversation back and forth. Through some weird app or something, I dunno. All I know for certain is I'm dating Jason. I open Snapchat.

I'm suddenly talking to Nick. On Snapchat. Sort of. Imagine Instagram, picture on the left, text on the right, except there's no comments, it's just messages and the messaging format looks like Snapchat, with the red and blue and all that. So he's sending me messages and sending me pics and both sides just scroll up as the messages come in. And he says we need to talk. Like, finally have that talk he said we would have once he got my letter. And at this point I've given up (just like in real life) but for some reason in the dream I'm angry about it, like okAY if you KEEP SAYING it then this time we are GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT. And then the pics are of his family? Like mom and sister and cousins and nephews. And me, not understanding what dream social media this is, is trying to click the images but I don't know if that will make them go away. But it makes them bigger. And suddenly I'm in the world of the picture. I'm there. And I don't know any of these people, only through Nick's stories. But I love them and I miss them, and they are forgetting me. I don't matter to any of them and it hurts profoundly. I figure it's because we didn't stay together, so they didn't feel the need to think about me. But I felt so ignored, almost hated. And I wanted so desperately for them to like me.

I'm in a truck, seated in the passenger's seat. Looking back on it I think it might be Nick's, but in the dream all I know is little Sammy is in a massive truck on the top of a super steep hill. There are cars parked all along both sides of the road. Gravity wins and I go down the hill. I hit. So. Many. Cars. The emergency breaks just refuse to work. I try to crawl into the seat and actually drive/break but I am always just short of the time I need. It like rewinds several times, and each time it's a different accident. And I think I'm trying to drive to Nick's house to see his family, but I have no idea how I can get there with all these cars in the way. I wake up shaken and scared.

I'm watching one of my favorite youtubers. She's filming a video. It's almost pornographic in nature and I can't tell if she's with her boyfriend or another friend of hers. The actions are definitely a lot, but the atmosphere and everything is so casual? My brain registered this as completely normal. Not even arousing. Normal casual indifferent. Her family was there while it was being filmed. Sometimes offering commentary. It was the most normal thing in the world even though in reality it's crude and far too intimate to be a public moment, much less a recorded one for the public of youtube. I think in their minds it might've been some kind of artistic statement or something. They complained about one aunt who talked too much. But other than that, the deed was done and no one batted an eyelash. They all went their separate ways and, even though it was for his channel, she wanted to put it on her own too, so she filmed a little vlog for the end bit. And then I woke up. Wondering what the heck I had eaten or watched or whatever.

Broken Legs

Context: I mentioned yesterday's lesson at church to you. One of the analogies she mentioned was shepherds and sheep, which we see throughout the Bible. What happens in real life is when a sheep runs off, a shepherd will go after it and bring it back home. But sheep are stupid. So so so very mindless and stupid. And it'll run off again. So the shepherd goes out and brings back the little lost sheep. And again and again. Eventually, what a shepherd will do is break the leg of the sheep so that it can't run off. And yes, it hurts, and the sheep is sad. But the wound will heal. And the shepherd only does this so that the sheep won't go get into worse trouble outside. The Bible repeatedly refers to us as sheep. Yes, we are cared for, but we are also very stupid.

So after yesterday's lesson, I of course started thinking about what sins I might've been running to and how God may choose to break my leg. I thought about Nestor, and how broken I felt after the fact, with all the humiliation and rejection and guilt. Maybe the lesson was to explain why I had to hurt so badly and that this is a good thing because now I can be pushed in the right direction instead of constantly crawling back to him. It might also be something in the future, a lesson as a preventative measure. I thought about the tater tots and laughed. I thought about Michael. I've spent a lot of this weekend talking to him. Flirting with him. Enjoying our conversations and pondering a lot of what ifs. I feel stupid for it sometimes. But he makes me happy. That isn't to say I see myself happy with him forever, I still have my doubts. But I'm willing to give it a shot. He asked if I'd like to go on a date one day and I said yes. Because even if the relationship part doesn't work, he's still a cool person and a good friend so it should be a fun time.

I had a dream last night. About Jess Anderson. Michael told her what was going on (or a slightly skewed version, he said that I had been instigating the relationship even though this feels pretty mutual IRL). She wasn't mad, and she never said it wasn't okay. But after a four year relationship, even when you're with somebody else, it can still be a tough reality to handle. She was in the same mindset that I imagine I'd be if someone were to date Nick right now: I'm not happy for you because this is weird and I can only picture this person with me, but it's none of my business and honestly I have zero desire to be with this person so give me some time to be bitter and then I'll be happy for you. She tried to be positive about it around Michael. Fast forward a couple of days and all the alumn (so not Michael) are back at McDaniel for a show or something. And Jess brings it up a lot. And spends the whole day voicing all the reasons why it won't work and she thinks it's a bad idea and we just don't make sense together. Which, if she's a good friend, she would mention to me anyway. But this was always in front of lots of other people and it was incredibly petty. And of course everyone agreed with her and asked how I could do something like that and wasn't it weird? And they all just felt so judgemental and, I dunno, like disappointed parents. I woke up after that.

I'm wondering if this is God trying to warn me before I do something stupid and He has to break my leg. Or maybe this is just my fears showing their head so that I can handle this and talk to Jess early on. I think I'll shoot her a message today. She doesn't need all the details, but she should at least know where my feelings are. I have no clue if this relationship will work in the future, and it is very idiotic of me to even bother right now, considering he'll be in Illinois for a good while, if not forever (he's a theatre kid, he's in the ideal living situation right now). I dunno. But he's visiting before Thanksgiving next week, so I've gotta be sure to pray about this and truly listen to God's advice. Sigh. Oh Sammy. It's always about a boy.

Tollhouse

A dream

thisroutehastolls had actually gotten some success to it. This is about 3 years after its inception. There is a fanbase. We Toronto20Something happened 2 years ago. Last year we went to London together. The three of us realized how much we truly loved being together. We'd been working on something for 7 months. Planning and buying and moving and organizing. It finally happened.

Luzka and I are filming a video. Talking about how great it's been to work on thisroutehastolls together and have such great fans. Cut to a shot of me. Then her. Then me. Then her. So on. Final shot, you put our two images together. You come running up and somehow magically appear in both shots. We reveal that it's all one image, all one room. And the tree of us look at the camera and shout, "WE"RE MOVING IN TOGETHER!".

And the three of us own a beautiful home. Part of the dream it was in DC. Part of it was in Canada. So who knows, moving house. Anyway. Here we had adventures. Here we filmed our adventures for our crazy fans. Here we three lived so immensely happy. And everything was roses :)

A dream. Not a nightmare. Definitely a dream :)

Dreams and Nightmares

I had a dream last night. I got back together with Storm. A question loomed over me the whole time. Where is Karina? We were happy. It was VERY fairytale. Meadows and soft rain. Secret meetings. Two people in love. But what happened with Karina? He wouldn't tell me what happened. Only that he loved me. Only that he was so glad to have me back.

I take "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" very seriously. Otherwise, it's probably not a dream, but a nightmare. I woke up. I quickly realized. I DO NOT want a future with Storm. I have no attraction to Storm. He and Karina are incredibly happy. This isn't even a matter of "I don't want to break them up". I seriously do not like Storm. I do not wish for this. My heart would never wish for this. So it must be a nightmare...

Being with the person who was once my best friend would be a nightmare.

A Previously Asked Question

"What happens when you stop dreaming?"

I still don't know.

I've gone back to dreaming. It's hard. There are lots of lows. And it aches sometimes. But it's so much better than flat-lining.

Sick Revenge

Just woke up from a dream. It was a party. And it had a mix of people I know from all different parts of my life. I know some guy from high school hosted the party, but I honestly can't remember who. All I remember is Jonathan showing up out of nowhere, to talk to Margie about something serious. And Margie had been acting kind of weird with me all night. They were dating. Behind my back, because Jonathan didn't want me involved and Margie didn't want to hurt me. They went behind my back and were dating. I seriously don't know why it aches so much. Why, once I woke up, I felt so impacted. So sore. It seriously. Just. Hurts.

And what I can't understand is why my subconscious would do this to me. When I hadn't been thinking about either of them. And Margie has a boyfriend. And they haven't liked each other ever. I don't know for sure because honestly it makes no sense. But maybe it's some kind of guilt for what happened with Storm after he and Margie broke up.

If I did this to her, if she actually was in this much pain, I deserve the deepest pits of hell.

Rêves

I dream of a future with you. Where everyone just knows us as together. Where we can publicly post stupid things on each others' walls. Where I can take you to parties with my extended family and they all know you and know that you will be there with me.  I dream of a future where my niece is not only comfortable, but doesn't even remember a time where Tia Sammy wasn't with Uncle Jonathan. I dream of a time when everyone asks when you'll pop the question, and the whole time you actually have a plan but you want to keep it a secret. I dream of building a home together. A life together. I dream of a time when we are in love.

Disney Dreams

---Conversation 1---
Sammy: Yep, his parents are taking me to Disney
Nancy: Storm?! Aww, thar's so sweet!
Sara: You guys are gonna fall in love
Sammy: LOL nope. Not a thing.
Sara: It'll be so cute!
Sammy: Let me remind you that he dumped me.
Nancy: Aww, you guys went out?
Sammy: Yeah, over the summer. And then he broke it off. And WE'RE BOTH OKAY WITH IT!
Sara: But Sammy. This is Disney. Where dreams come true.
Sammy: Excuse you, if we're talking dreams coming true, I expect to meet Josh Hutcherson, have him get down on one knee, and raise a family of talented beautiful children with me while living in Cinderella's castle

Clearly I have too much time on my hands considering how quickly I came up with that response

---Conversation 2---
Sammy: -Retells Conversation 1 to Jess A-
Jess A: You're like "I want him to bake me bread every morning, because that's what he does" (Hunger Games reference)
Sammy: Hey, he can put his bun in my oven anytime.
-Commence laughing a little too hard for backstage-