Relationship Requirements

The things I absolutely require from my significant other (aside from the obvious of being Christian, not smoking, not drinking, being honest, etc).

- Recognize my sister is the most important person in the world to me and that will not be changed.

- Recognize my niece is the 2nd most important person in the world. Love her. Dear God, love her with all your heart. Maybe even love her more than you love me. I will not be mad.

- Sing with me. You don't even need to sing TO me. Just sing along with me.

Happy Thanksgiving

I think I've decided. I will move away. Somewhere. Someday.

And when I do, I'll only come back rarely. And I'll only tell the few people I actually want to see. So that no one else is making plans or making me run around or getting butthurt when they realize I can't please everyone and didn't try to please them first. And then I won't feel bad about my decisions and maybe actually enjoy myself.

Nice plan.

Like Old Times

Emily: -playing Sims- There's an alien at my door. Answer the door.

Jess: Why does it have an umbrella?

Emily: It's raining.

XD wut

Mentee Self Revs Cont.

My mentees are survivors.

An Emotional Tangent: In Which Sammy Breaks Down

I feel like I'm breaking

1: Matt - I'm sure you remember me telling you about the boy who liked me in January. The one who I kinda had a short lived thing with in England, just to see if anything would come from it. When I got over it, and he very clearly did not, I avoided him at all costs because I didn't know how to say no. I figured out why I did that.

The boys in my life never closed things sweetly. I didn't have healthy endings in my relationships. I got one of two choices: either the boy lied and made me think he loved me until he just couldn't lie anymore, or he ran and avoided me and wanted nothing to do with me. Both of those are total dick moves. Like, who the fuck does that to someone? It pisses me off that anyone would treat someone else like that. And still, I did it to him. I didn't lie, I couldn't, 'cause that's too awful. I just avoided the truth and ran until he figured it out on his own. Which makes me a bitch. It does, there's no other way to say that. It's just as bad. I did it because it's all I know. It's all I've seen. It's not an excuse, just a reason. That doesn't make it okay. I have very little experience in being loved by men.

I finally apologized last night. I pulled him aside and said I'm sorry. I said I knew I was awful. I said I had no good reason and it was so freaking stupid of me. And that I valued him in my life and I was working on making it up to him. I said I was just really sorry and I wanted him to know. He said it was okay. He said he forgave me. He said it was alright. He hugged me.

Today, after talking to his best friend, I learned he is not over it. I learned he is not over me. He still kicks himself because he knows he took things too fast. He wishes things had gone differently. He's lonely and hurt and stressed. And he really cares for me. He knows he can't give me what I need and that we want different things. He wishes he had time to make things right and try again. He knows he doesn't have the time or the ability. He hates that he misses me. He is not over me.

I am fucking useless here.

2: Mentees Self Rev - Remember that performance I did my freshman year? The one where I talked about you and your journal? My mentees are doing theirs now. They are sharing very important pieces of their lives with me.

The North American Drama Therapy Association Code of Ethics says you shouldn't be leading or directing a session if you are not emotionally stable enough or in the right mindset to do so. It is your duty to find your clients someone who can be more conducive to the students' success. I don't think I'm ready. I'm a Peer Mentor, and my position is different. Were this professional, I would have found someone else to help with these sessions.

I am so beyond grateful for the lives and the smiles and the hearts of every single one of my mentees. I am so blessed to have been allowed the honor of getting this insight into what makes them so beautiful.

3: Drama Therapy Self Rev - I have to do my own self rev soon. It will be slightly more serious than the previous ones. It's for my Drama Therapy class. My professor, Britt, showed us an example. I cannot disclose what it was about. Code of Ethics/just straight up not being a dick and sharing other people's lives. She bared her soul for us. She trusts us. I'm honored. I also was not ready. There was a lot of pain in that room today. Some of it coming from students as well and their own personal pain. It makes me cry just thinking about it. Life is so fucking beautiful. God is so damn good. I am so fucking lucky. I am. I really am.

4: Stress - A Midsummer Night's Dream. Rehearsals. Holiday Cabaret. Peer Mentor Meetings. Drama Therapy final. Three songs in Musical Theatre Scene Study. Meet & Greets. Contacting Potential New Members. Keeping both current cast and new members happy and organized. Character Analyses. Journals. Shop Hours. Registering for more classes. Which means more textbooks. Money. Maybe getting a Little next semester. Money. Going for an apartment next year, with people who may or may not live well together. Money. Money. Money. Future. Acting as a career. Successful but poor. Unsuccessful, poor, and jobless. Money. Money. Money.

5: Homesickness - I miss my beautiful baby girl. My mom needs me there, even just for company. I feel so damn distant from my church, which may be my own fault for hardly checking in and basically ruining my relationship with Fabrizio (he hasn't changed at all, but I have because keeping up the whole I-will-be-the-best-friend-you've-ever-had-while-you-just-live-your-life thing was too painful). I miss my sister. God, how I miss my sister. What the fuck is my dad even doing?

6: Masks/Poems - In Drama Therapy, we've been making masks. We made a mold that fit our face, and when they dried we started painting them. The outside is meant to be how people see you/what you show others. The inside is how you see yourself. I will walk you through my thought process.

Painting the outside

The mask wraps around my mouth but still covers my nose and down my cheeks. I can open up to others without a problem. Ask and thou shalt receive. It's yellow because I'm positive. Everyone always comments on how optimistic and positive I am. I try so hard to be that light in other people's lives. The purple flower on the side should've been lighter, but it's the sweet and childlike part of me. The green dots are just nerdy and cutesy. There is white around the eyes and head because I am that pure, innocent little girl for most people. I also kind of just blend in. I'm pretty invisible on the surface, nothing special. But there are bright colors awaiting anyone who is willing to look past the surface. The red around the mouth is because people say I'm funny or sassy. The heart crown is because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to be emotional. And I let that flow. Also, people call me a princess. There is a little bit of gold outline at the very top. It's a halo to go with the innocence thing. It's also a crown because, a couple of weeks ago, my class voted for me to get an award in Leadership. This is the person I love to have in my life. This is the person I aspire to be.

Painting the inside

I am so negative. So so very negative. I hide it well and step out of it. I step into the purple, which is hope. Because I believe hope and optimism are so so so important, just as a means of survival. And I do see good in the world. It's so evident, I see it. I just need to keep looking 'cause it's so easy for me to slip back into the negative. I hate a lot of things about myself. I hate how I look. I hate that I'm mediocre at a couple of things and pretty bad at everything else. I hate that anytime I say something, I'm wrong because I can be so fucking ignorant sometimes. I hate making choices and being wrong. I hate that I am so annoying. I hate that nobody really sees me. I hate that I am so needy and clingy and desperate, and yet so damn picky. I kept the green dots because I am nerdy and childish. Not childlike. Childish. As in I'm obnoxious and naive and just ignorant sometimes. The red and orange around the mouth is because I have a lot of opinions. Tons of them. And I always think my opinion is oh so important, but I keep it in. I keep it in because I don't think my opinion matters or I'm scared it will make people angry with me. I need people to like me. The blue in my mind is my confusion and my fear and just my constant need for things. It's like a web, and all these memories and people get caught in it. And as much as THEY are ready to leave, I can just never let things go. The pink things are the few things that make me sane and remind me to back to the purple: My faith, my belief in the magic this world possesses, and the love of my family and friends.

Only one person heard this explanation. We then wrote poems. One about our outside. One about our inside. That same person read my poems as I held my mask up for everyone to see.

Outside:

Little one, you are bright just like sunshine

And, oh, what funny thing you say! It's true

That if you show your smile, you'll bring out mine.

You give me hope, I'm glad I noticed you.

The childish, silly, pure, sweet song you sing

Reminds me that, with you here, I'm okay.

You make my day, you precious little thing!

I'm glad I have your sun to light my way.

Inside:

How to Make a Relient K Song

You gotta start with need. A whole lot of need.

Needing comfort, needing love, needing attention, needing support, needing guidance.

Mix it with self-doubt. And the chance of self-destruction.

A touch of broken heart. Or maybe a lot f it.

Then add the tendency to cling. To over think. To fear the truth and seek.

Here is your rich concoction. It's dark, and it hits hard.

But what it needs is nonsense.

A few good memories.

Some words that make you laugh at the taste.

Remember to put in love, that's the most important part.

Love makes the mix strong, makes it sweet and fun.

The love must be a lasting one, so the spell won't expire.

Then blend it with a sense of faith.

It adds the extra love and forgiveness that nothing else has.

Throw in a bit of magic. Complete your potion here.

The bitterness will turn to sugar.

Your song will now speak the words in your heart.

Play. Replay. Replay.

Hearing the two poems aloud was the first time I'd heard the two side by side. It made me absolutely hate my outside. Because it's not me. Not one fucking bit of it feels like me. And yet I can't lose it because I've worked so damn hard to get it. And it makes people like me. And I need people to like me.

 7: Jonathan - We made a pact a while ago that, should our plans not work out, we just live together forever. He's essentially a back-up to the back-up. A couple of nights ago he asked if our pact was still intact and we realized neither of us remembered the agreement. So, we agreed on terms then and there: Pact is active if we are single by age 30. No relationship, but there will be an engagement. A ring is most likely, but nothing extravagant. There will be a wedding. Kids happen if they happen. He will learn Spanish We live in a location of his choosing, so long as I know the basics of the local language and we still come back to visit for holidays and birthdays. I can still go to church and I do not expect him to join me. Other details to be added over time.

A life with Jonathan sounds fun. It sounds hilarious. It's not exactly what I want in my life. Obviously. I mean wasn't that the big revelation I had this summer and this spring and back when he started dating Celeste? We don't work. We want different things. But still, it'd be fun!

Dear God in heaven, please, I beg you. Do not let me spend my life with Jonathan Lieder.

8: Canada - I told a friend about my favorite twins. She asked why I had friends in Canada (she meant to say how). I explained how we met. I explained the weirdness of our middle school relationships/the contrast between our relationship and the one I had with your sister. I explained why I started writing to you and how we became pen pals and how it made us a million times closer. I told her that no one on this earth knows me like you do. I told her we were "married". I told her we "divorced". I mentioned that I made the Smilation blog for you. I mentioned all the recent letters in which we relived those "breakups" and how we should've just stayed together. I told her about the youtube channel. I told her about the necklace. She said she was jealous of me because she'd never had friends like that. I am so very lucky.

I mentioned wanting to go to Canada. And how I needed to save money to travel in 2016. I told her Canada was your home and you didn't want to come back, at least not to live here. I told her I considered maybe moving to Canada. I said I couldn't leave Cristina. At least not before her 7th birthday when I was sure she'd remember me, and I wouldn't just be that aunt everyone has who lives in Pittsburgh but you only see some holidays and always talks about you as a baby because you have no memories together as you got older. I joked that it was impossible to move my whole family up with me. She told me I shouldn't worry because her favorite uncle and one of her favorite people ever lived in Connecticut and was maybe only seen once a year but it was her favorite thing ever.

I've been missing you and your sister so much lately. And like, I've always missed you. And I've always wanted to see you. And I always think about how great and emotional a reunion would be. But as of late I feel it. I'm in this odd emotional place and I can't explain why and all I want to do is run to you guys and chat and laugh and cuddle. And I can't. And I'm beginning to fear that this is just something I have to get used to.

I'm scared because it's been 6 years. And my sense memory is leaving me. My sense memory never leaves me. But I'm forgetting what you smelled like. And I'm forgetting what your sister's hugs felt like. I told Jess that and she reminded me that they'd be different now any way. Which hurt more. Because I don't know anymore. I am not there to know. I am on paper and on screens. In text and images but I am not there and that's so scary to me. It's like any other youtuber. You see their videos and you love them and think you know them and their lives and feel so connected to them but in the end it's only a fraction of their lives. I think I am no longer okay with this itty bitty fraction of your lives.

I also told my friend about your tweet. Where you said you should've proposed to me. And how I wish it weren't a joke. And how I kind of wish you weren't my back-up plan. Because if you did propose, then I'd know it to be 100% genuine, and not you settling. Which, as far as I know, you would be. Like, if we really think about this. I could make you happy. We could be happy together. We would get along and we'd solve our problems healthily and we would create a home together. But that wouldn't mean you were attracted to me or that you loved me romantically. Marrying your best friend might just mean marrying your best friend, not the love of your life. Especially since you need constant change and like experiencing new things. I hate change! Change scares me so freaking much.What if it got to the point where you needed a change from me that I just couldn't give you? I would absolutely shatter and it would be no one's fault but our own for settling. And I would hate for someone as amazing as you to settle. And I'm telling you right now, I would not be settling. Not at all.



I'm in a lot of pain for absolutely no reason. And I just need my best friend. I need a good cry and some hot chocolate. And a plane to take me 439 miles from here.

There Is A God & He Has A Plan

Steps to take, in no real particular order aside from stream of conciousness.

> Accept the response.

> Catch up with Jonathan. Remain platonic, no matter what. This is a relationship that finally makes sense. Don't jeopardize that.

> Get my little tush back to McDaniel where things make sense.

> Hugs all around from the people I need.

> Plan some kick ass Alpha Psi Events for the babies.

> Rehearse my songs for Musical Theatre. Be a freaking star.

> Make myself some hot chocolate. It's been a while.

> Watch absolutely every animated movie I can. It heals me.

> Get someone to pray for me. Because I'm a mess and if I'm still a mess by the end of this week, I will truly need prayer.

> Gym? LOL yeah sure, we'll pretend to add that to the list.

> Maybe cry at some point? I don't think I will. It doesn't feel like I need to cry over this. But be prepared for tears, just in case.

> Write letters. To everyone. Because letters mean love.

> Plan an event for the mentees because they make me happy and I want that to be mutual.

> Read Gone Girl 'cause yo this book just got hella intense

> Look cute. With absolutely no one but yourself in mind. I know you never feel cute but dammit you're gonna try now.

> Listen to some good music. Like get up and dance music. And lay in bed and think about your purpose music. And holy crap does that take me back music. And yaaaas boo werk music. Hit repeat.

> Get over the idea of him. Get over him. Get over the hope that you may have found the right person. It's done. He's gone. It's not only over, it never even started. God has a plan. He has something or someone in mind for you and it will be great. It will be perfect. But realize this real quick. It's not him. And it's not now.

> Be okay.

Alone With A Good Book

I think part of the reason I won't just move to Canada is because it would be 100% for you and your sister, and if we didn't get married I would be bitterly upset at the fact that I would never find anyone better than my best friend.

I need hugs and cuddles and a lot of chocolate. Nothing happened. I'm just reading a really good book, and one of the side effects of this particular book is loneliness.

Youth Group Confessions - An Update

3. Bro. Do not disappoint me.

4. Gurla. Please. DO you realize HOW MUCH I want to be you? Honestly. Please don't change that. Don't be jealous of me (if you are I cannot fathom why you every would be). Please don't make me suspicious. Please please please stay a friend to me.

6. Welp. F*ck.

7. Hah no. I've lost all hope for you. Absolute lost cause. I do not deal well with blatant hypocrisy. I don't have time for it. As a result, I don't have time for you. I'm not putting up with your bull and your lies so buena suerte mijo. Hope somebody down the road saves you from this mess. I know I can't. But NO ONE can help you if you won't help yourself. So deuces. I say goodbye to this unhealthy person in my life.

11. 2/3 of you are still in my favor. The third one managed to freaking slip haha. Seriously kid. Why follow me on twitter? Why? What possessed you? Like, now I can see all the dumb stuff you post. I know English is not your first language, and I am not even going to fault you for that. But IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THE ONLY THING YOU SPELL RIGHT IS THE CURSE WORDS. SOMETIMES. Uysh, another unhealthy one. I didn't even know you bro. And thanks to you, I'm looking to keep it that way.

Jess playing an MMORPG

"Dammit I leveled up and missed the celebratory sparklers"

"I AM A FIRM BELIEVER IN POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT, SAMANTHA"

Confessions for the Youth Group

1. Sometimes. Every now and again. I think you're too trained. Like there's little personality and so much politeness. But honestly, you're fantastic. You're loving and funny and laid back and I admire so many things about you. You're a role model for me. You always do what's right and are so giving. You're always willing to listen and advise, and I can't thank you enough for that.

2. Darling, you can be a bit judgmental. It's kinda your mom's fault. But it's okay. You're so young. You have so much to learn. But you really are mature for your age and I cannot wait to see the lovely young lady you become. You're so honest and effing hilarious and I've truly enjoyed getting to know you.

3. I was a brat to you. I didn't like being talked about so I avoided you with passionate anger for most of our lives. That was wrong and I'm so sorry. Thanks for, mostly, being kind to me. I wish I'd gotten to know you better. There's lots of good in you, I know that. I hope this year brings more good. 'Cause some serious changes need to be made, I hope you know that. You NEED to be a lot more humble, respectful, and sincere. And some of your bad habits need to stop. You have someone to fight for, so fight for her. THE RIGHT WAY. But in all honesty, for some reason, I have total faith that you can do it.

4. I mean yeah I'm pretty dang jealous of you. 'Cause everyone, EVERYONE, loves you. And you're so pretty and talented and good with kids and so kind and smart. Geez you just walk in a room and the sun shines a little brighter. There's so much good in you, please see it. 'Cause something's not right, hon. There's a darkness in you and, as justified as it may be, it needs to go. You need to talk to someone. You need to seek help. And learn to take advice and criticism. Don't get mad at other people and don't get mad at yourself! Learn to take it, consider it, and use it to better yourself. Also, be an example. And I realize you think this kid is your miracle sent to give you everything you never had, but you can't rely on people like that. Don't become dependent. Realize that he's not the only one who is like that (trust and believe I've WATCHED your family try to connect to you like he does and they just feel so shut out), you just don't WANT anyone but his help 'cause you've romanticized it and that's not okay. I know I'm just a kid to you and this stuff does not matter coming from me but I say it because I love you and I want your star to get out of this lonely dark abyss and shine brighter than anyone ever has before.

5. How did you figure things out so young? Maybe your family just does a good job of painting the picture perfect family. I know you struggle. It's hard. But you got it figured out! I'm so impressed and amazed by you. Thank you for keeping me sane. Keep me updated. You're gonna do such amazing things, and you'll thank your parents and your church and your whole social network and we'll know that it was honestly all God and you. I want to keep you in my life always dear.

6. Frustrate is a good word. Because I do want to get to know you and I wish you acted like you wanted to get to know me. But that's my obsessive personality. And you're introverted so it just makes sense. But I'm glad we can enjoy each other's company. I'm so happy that we are friends, and I'm glad that, even if you don't tell anyone anything, I feel like I actually can talk to you about my life and you're willing to listen. Maybe I can't make you laugh but God knows I try. Honestly, if you weren't going through so much and I knew you had a clear mind, I would've asked you out myself long ago. But this friendship is pretty great. And I know for absolute fact you'll be okay. Son, you are one of the realest people I know. You got this. You're gonna figure it all out and blow everyone's mind with the awesome things you'll do. It'll take a while, maybe a few more years. But you and her and all of us are going to be just fine. It's gonna hurt. Day after day after day you are going to hurt. And then you won't. And it'll be glorious. Sidenote, dunno if you'll ever love anyone the way you loved her. So you may very well end up on your ownsome. But know that that's all on you. Don't ever say it's 'cause you're not good enough. You're a freaking catch. You realize we've almost all had a crush on you at one point, yes? Like, bro. BRO.

7. You are a great person. You make me smile. You're super kind. You're good with kids. You've got a lot going right, my friend. Now, I dunno if your life is where it should be. I'm scared because you may have strayed. But I think you know that. And I think you're getting your priorities in check. I'll keep praying for you. Because I don't want to fear for you. I want you right here with us for all time. It'll be great! I'm also really glad that you've found someone to look up to and be a leader to you. I hope it's of blessing to your life.

8. Babydoll. I do not know how to help you or how to fix what has been so broken. I can't begin. You do need the help. You do. And the longer you deny that, the worse off you'll be. And I do not agree with a lot of your choices. You worry me. But you need to take good care of yourself. You have people to look after now. And I know you will. I see it. You just need to realize you are worth SO MUCH. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS IMPORTANT. Seriously. You are actually so smart. You are crazy talented. You are innovative. You have some of the craziest stories. You're like this odd fountain of knowledge. You are young and learning, but that's okay! As long as you try to learn. Take things in. Don't let the world or ANYONE mold you. You'll find the right path, I know it. And once you find it, I will support you every step. Trust me, you mean loads to us, and you always will.

9. I don't have much to say. You're so young and I don't know you all that well. You're talkative. You're kinda oblivious sometimes. And you're so set in your ways for someone so young. But you're a good listener, a gentleman, talented, smart, friendly, and just pleasant to be around. I like the way you carry yourself. You're also a wonderful brother. Good job, kiddo.

10. You'll find your way. Please ignore what everyone is saying. Stay charming. Stay personal. Stay close and cuddly and affectionate. Stay driven. Stay romantic. But stay respectful. Learn boundaries. Converse and compromise. Emotions are beautiful and wonderful and meant to be shared, but extremes are such a dangerous thing. Learn to balance your feelings and life will follow. Don't apologize for love, but apologize when lines are crossed, feelings are hurt, or words are misunderstood. And remember that you are young and there's plenty of time for God to tell you which path to take. Just keep walking, look out for signs, adjust as necessary, and have faith. And take care of that family of yours.

11. To the three gentlemen who I have left out. My apologies, I do not know you too well. And that may be my own fault, I don't know. But I've enjoyed my time with you. I see a lot of good in you boys. Talent. Kindness. Willingness to learn. Drive. Seriously, I have no doubt you'll all surprise me with incredible things one day. Stay gold, guys. And know that, even if I don't know you so well, I'm always here and happy to be a friend to you.

I'm a Puppy

I'm just like a puppy and I need lots of attention and hugs. We can replace petting with cuddles. And sometimes I need you to play with me, like Mario Kart or something. And I need you to take me out for walks. And I need you to take care of me sometimes and make sure I'm doing okay. And then compliment me when I'm good. And give me all the attention in the world 'cause I give a whole lot of love, and I really really like getting love back.

It Don't Work

The fact that I cannot hold a conversation with this child because everything from our interests to our senses of humor are different and we both joke and neither one of us gets it or delivers the lines right and it's just a hot mess.

Tell Me How Much Sense This Makes

>Likes boy
>Kinda obsesses over boy
>Gets over boy
>Spends 3 days in cabin with boy

-___-

Drinking Martinis Again On A Monday

In love in need
In want in miss
I taste your bite
I taste your kiss
 
And I think back
The things you said
They make me mad
A bull to red

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis by myself
On a Sunday
Drinking Martinis again
On a Monday

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

I buy your brand
I smoke your brand
I count the what - ifs on one hand

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis alone
Sunday morning
Drinking Martinis again
Sunday evening

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

And I wonder where you are

The Part That Kills Me

I SEE IT ALL HAPPENING! I'm not oblivious to you're situation. I am actually quite aware. To be honest, I don't know all the details. Of course not, 'cause you've told me nothing. And it's not really my place to ask because you'll tell me whatever it is you want me to know and nothing more. And see usually that's fine and I respect that and I'm okay with it. But you VENT to a BLOG, as I do here. The difference is I always talk about it, I don't just post and keep it in. Because that gets no one nowhere. And, should someone come across this blog one day, I am MORE THAN WILLING to explain my thoughts on whatever the situation may be. You are not. Your life story is all on social media with convenient links to the source of your heart ache.

I get it. I can't help you. I'm more than willing to know and learn and be there for you. But you don't want me to be. Which I get. I've been there. Sometimes even our closest friends can't help or change anything (not that I'm a close friend, but I hope I'm at least a friend). Sometimes it really is just between you and that one other person and only that person can make it better or make a difference. When you complain about having no one, you don't actually mean you have no one. You mean you're parents are annoying, your friends try but they don't get it, and that one person just does not love you the way you love them. And anyone who DOES want to be there for you is honestly not who you want to talk to right now.

And I know that's where I'm at. I get it and I promise I'm not even mad! The part that AGGRAVATES me is that ALL I WANT TO DO IS GRAB YOU BY THE FACE AND TELL YOU THAT ITS ALL OKAY AND IT ALL GOES AWAY. BECAUSE THE MORE YOU VENT, THE MORE I SEE, AND THE MORE I REALIZE HOW FREAKING SIMILAR OUR STORIES REALLY ARE.

And I want so badly to tell you it gets better. That you, of ALL people, know God has a plan. And you have to trust it. Because sometimes two people who love each other aren't meant to be together. AND IT SUCKS! IT FREAKING SUCKS. Until it doesn't. Until that beautiful wonderful amazing moment where it doesn't suck anymore because you KNOW that this new path, as weird and confusing as it may be, is the right one. And after all that time it took you to reach this path, there's no way you'd ever go back to the old one. It took me SEVEN YEARS to find that path. If I'm not mistaken, you're just shy of that. IT'S A LONG JOURNEY, I KNOW. And you keep going back to the old one because oh man did it treat you right once upon a time. But it's possible. You said those words to me before. It's so so possible. You know what else is possible? Laughing at the old path. Looking back. Realizing how ridiculous it was. Seeing those wonderful beautiful memories on that old path with fondness and a bit of nostalgia. And then shrugging it off and pressing on.

And maybe you don't need to find a new path. Maybe you're a lucky one. In all honesty, I think you might be. I see a desire to change, to improve, to be better. That's what happens when people actually love each other. I don't know if it will work. Maybe you'll get that change and have a happy ending together. I believe in that and I hope it does happen. But if not, I know that you're both capable of your own happy endings. And I know you won't see this. And I know that even if you did, not a bit of it would help. Because you need to figure it out on your own. You need to get your own closure and fix these problems in a way only you can. And you will. You will.

Mantra

My name is Samantha Arana, and I am done chasing rabbits

On Lurking

Lurking is important. I mean, it's how you find things out. When someone asks you out, you lurk. You see if you should give this person a chance or if there's no way it will work. When you find someone cute, you lurk. You search for reasons to continue pursuit or cease and desist. When your friend talks about someone you don't know, you lurk. You get your first impression and you now have a basis as you imagine the events your friend describes.

It's also how you learn about the person who doesn't tell you everything. You lurk profile after profile. Social media network after network. Blog after blog after blog. To find more pictures, more quotes, clues about a sense of humor and an inner circle and "What's on your mind?". You find all the rants that we regret in the morning but have to type at 2AM.

And it feels obsessive. Because it kind of is. But you have to do it. You shouldn't have to. But you do. 'Cause it's not like this person is going to tell you what's really going on. So you have to figure it out yourself. Because all you want to do is help. To be included. To matter. To be a part of this person's life. Even if it's only as a friend, you want to be loved and cared for and thought of. And sure, you two catch up every now and again. How have you been? How's school? How's work? Have you seen you know who lately? Any big plans coming up? Nice. Nice. That's as good as it gets. And maybe that's all you really need to know anyway.

But that's not real. You can't tell what anyone's REALLY going through with just that. And you used to know! You used to be so close and involved and know everything the moment it happened. You used to swap stories and give advice and laugh and cry about everything. So why did it stop? And why are you now forced to figure out everything about this person's life through hashtags and reblogged quotes?

I only know of two people who this didn't happen to. Only two friends who still tell me everything and who I still tell all the details to. And who I don't have to go searching through page after page just to know what's going on. And I haven't seen them in years.

Fix You

A thing I've learned.

When you love someone, you want to help that person. You see pain and hurt and you hurt. You don't like it. You want to change it. And you focus a lot of your own energy in fixing whatever is wrong, even if it has nothing to do with you, because you feel like it's your job. You want to save someone.

But of course, you cannot. You can't save anyone but yourself. No one will save that person except that person. So the best you can do is help. Ease the process. Offer support and comfort. Smile. Love. Sometimes advise. Just be there. You can't glue the pieces together, but you can hand over the pieces and the glue.

When someone who is broken loves you, that person will WANT to be fixed. That person will try so super hard to fix every problem and stand tall and smile again. When someone loves you, your efforts are not wasted. The two of you work together. Maybe it doesn't all go away. Some cases are too serious to ever fully go away. But it gets better.

When you do all you can to comfort him, but it doesn't help... When you are always there to pick the pieces up and he brushes you off... When all you want to do is make the pain go away, but you end up feeling so powerless... It's probably because he doesn't love you enough to try and fix himself. You are not a strong enough motivation for him to be the best he can be for you. When he finds someone he loves, he will smile when they smile and they will protect each other. He's just not meant for you.

Shackled In My Embrace

You know what the problem with the music video for Latch is? You know why, despite the fascinating concept, great timing simplicity, fun lighting, and awesome song, a 4 minute video of people kissing is just not okay?

BECAUSE I'M BASOREXIC. Literally the only problem I have with this is that it's not happening to me.

See Previous Post

My fortune cookie today:

"If you chase two rabbits, both will escape"

Ping Pong Rebounding

See. Now I know what's going on. I have actual confirmation that I'm the worst.

I like both of them. To a degree. For different reasons. But I know neither one is going to happen because neither one likes me. So the more evident it is that I have no hope with one, the more I try with the other. The more persistent and flirtacious I get. And then I start dreaming some nonsense up. Until he proves me wrong. And then I switch. And neither of them know. And neither of them will work. And I just keep switching. Because I already know that I'm not going to end up with either one. They're both backups.

WTF SAMANTHA

Coming of Age

Will Jay is finally 18 today and words cannot express how happy I am that I am no longer creeping on minors.

Accurate Feels

WITH A SNES

Seriously. The best part of the video is the Super Nintendo

But this song so simply gets it haha

Germanic

Can we take a moment to express my love for Jess Mies haha

Tony Oller

Can we talk about how the above mentioned kid was in "As the Bell Rings"? That little show on Disney Channel that had like 3 minute long episodes it would show between shows. And it had Demi Lovato on it for the 1st season. He was the cute kid! AND NOW HE'S IN MKTO? HE'S THE "TO" PART OF MKTO. Uysh. So weird to me. And I just now, watching Carrie's video, found out that Carrie Hope Fletcher knew him when she was 14. WHAT IS LIFE. Christ, smallest of small worlds. All the fun, talented people know each other.

Elections

Situation: 2 positions for Stage Mom next year. 3 nominees. Jess (current stage mom), Lyndsay, and myself (current stage mom).

IN MY MIND Possibility #1: Jess & I win

In MY MIND Possibility #2: Jess & Lyndsay win

Reality: Lyndsay & I win

I'm gonna be honest. I don't think I deserved it. Or well, if I did, then no more so than Jess. I love Lyndsay. And I'm sure she'll do amazing. It'll be so great to work with her. But imagining this position without Jess just feels wrong. An exec board without Jess feels wrong.

Little He Knows, Little He Sees

How I should have ended the conversation: "I don't think Jonathan has his license yet."

How it really went.

Mrs. Beth (Eric's Mom): So Sammy, what are you doing for the summer?

Me: Well, I actually don't have a job lined up so I'm hoping to use some of the free time to finally learn how to drive.

Karla: Does Jonathan know how to drive?

Me: Yeah I'm pretty sure.

Karla: You should have him teach you to drive... No seriously, he should teach you. Ask him.

Me: I don't think he'd have the patience to teach me.

Mom: Boys are always patient when it's with their girl friends.

Me: Hah. No.

Karla: Mr. B (Eric's Dad) taught Mrs. Beth. Eric taught me. My dad taught my mom. Doug taught Cindy (our cousin and her bf). Your dad never teaches you. The boyfriend does.

Me: But Jonathan's very much not my boyfriend...

Karla: Yeah well, he's the next best thing.

Eric: You should just go on a date then!

Me: That's kinda sad to be honest.

Karla: No it's not. You could do a lot worse than Jonathan Lieder.

Eric: That's the pianist right? I like Jonathan.

Me: So does Mommy.

Karla: I like him, too! I also like Evan.

Eric: I like Evan.

Karla: I like Storm, too.


The hilarious truth is, no. I can't do any worse than Jonathan. It can't get worse. Nor can it be worse than Storm. Not 'cause they're bad. But 'cause they are absolutely all wrong for me. And there is nothing worse than going back to the place that God has told you is no longer a place you should be. Especially when you've already tried to go back and realized firsthand it's no longer a safe place.

More From Jess

Jess threw her bra onto the bed and I just grabbed it and put it over my chest. And was actually like how the hell do people fill these?!

Sammy - I just do not understand
Jess- One day
Sammy - Not necessarily
Jess - When you are pregnant. When you are a mommy
Sammy - What if I don't have kids?
Jess - You will
Sammy - No, what if I don't have kids?
Jess - You will!
Sammy - Well, what if I'm sterile?
Jess - I will get you pregnant.

I Need A Robot

A theatre robot. Who can emote and knows every play ever published. It gets updated once a month. When I need to audition for something, it will recommend monologues and songs for me. When I have to learn a new scene, it will run lines with me.

I NEED THIS TO BE REAL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVE THREE PAGES OF LINES AND I'M BARELY OKAY ON PAGE ONE.

IM5 sans 1/5

OMG I'M GONNA SOB

We've actually known about Dalton leaving for. What. A week now? Something like that. But everyone's being super supportive of Dalton's choice. But it has been hard of course. And I'm sure the boys are doing all they can. But Cole is like, not even pretending to be okay. COLTON IS REAL (and by that I mean they were fantastic friends and I can't wait until they're like 30 something and their kids are like amazed that a guy from IM5 and a guy from FlyAwayHero have anything in common, let alone managed to stay friends for flippin ever). Boybands are a helluva drug.

(I am a year and some change older than these children. I've never even met them. I'm such a CREEP)

Shins

My shins are angry with me. They're mad because I didn't stretch properly before jogging today. They've been yelling at me since this morning. Hah. I'm so sorry T.T

Now to lie here until the pain goes away.

I COULD do my assignments for tomorrow and study for the midterms.

OR I could rewatch Avatar: the Last Airbender.

(As much as I wanna do the latter, I probably won't start homework until like 9 and won't start A:TLA until, like, Friday)

Problems without Solutions

Yes. We need more queer roles & actors.
Yes. We need more trans roles & actors.
Yes. We need more colored roles & actors.
Yes. We need more female roles & actors.
Yes. We need more overweight roles & actors.
We need stories that are realistic, unoffensive, honest, and empowering.

WE ARE ALL AWARE THERE NEEDS TO BE A CHANGE IN THE INDUSTRY.

HOWEVER.

Instead of constantly complaining about it, I'd love some ideas. Write the script. Go ahead. Write a script that includes all of this. That is accurate. That has strong messages. Write the whole thing. And then find a way to sell it to the masses. I'm not kidding. Someone do it. Please. Someone do it. Because clearly it's incredibly easy and the change can be immediate so go ahead. Be the person to change it!

I need people to realize that this will not be an overnight change. If you can be the one to make it so, congratulations, you're better than the rest of us. Otherwise, you need to realize that we live in a society where change takes time. Jared Leto played a transsexual individual. He himself is not a transsexual. The fact that the role was even allowed in a popular film is a huge step from where we once were. Disney had its first black princess in 2009. Most of the movie, she was an animal, but she was still a black princess, which would never have happened in Walt's day. Actress Melissa McCarthy is a stout woman who has become very successful in her field. She gets a lot of hate and harsh words from the media, but she still gets great roles because she is recognized for her talent. Should we be satisfied with this and leave it at that? No. But stop being so angry. Change is coming. And yes, push for change to continue. But stop yelling and shouting because all that's doing is annoying people and making people like me, who agree with you, want to stop caring. There's a way to peacefully fight for things. And your argument is a lot more effective if you can speak eloquently without cursing every other sentence.

The Thing About Katy Perry

Even when she manages to get some impressive lyrics, someone always sings her songs better than she does.

2/17/14 - 1:43 - Jonathan

remember Sammi?
the one who i thought for over a year killed herself but then i randomly found out she was alive when she randomly texted me after my senior year?

I lived with that for almost 3 years

and she randomly texts me saying "hey, you never sang me that Panic at the Disco song like you promised q.q"

it took me a week to believe that it was her
it turns out that she was in a hospital because her seizures got EXTREMELY bad and her parents told NO ONE

so all of her friends texted and messaged me

blaming me for her death

constantly

i'm talking to her right now. i have been for a week

and i'm really freaking out right now because i'm opening up and yeah
the voices came back, i'm shaking, sweating, and it's hard to look at her
 

i mean. would it be better not to talk to her?

I need to Sammy I need to.
never actually broke up, just always thought she was dead.

you know what the worst part is?

she looks exactly the same since the last time I saw her.

I want the voices to go away

i want to stop shaking

i wish i had never met her yet at the same time i want everything back

you can't forget her

but i think it could be good youre talking again. its hard but. she's here. you've wanted her to be back. and. she is.

i can't get my head wrapped around that

i can't

she's. still. fucking. dead. to. me.

but. she's there. you saw her. you're talking to her.

but she's still dead, sammy. she is 6ft, underground, dead.

how

SHE JUST IS

OKAY?

alright. im sorry

no. i am.

i just

i dont know

 

I'm scared. And I'm broken. And I can't help him. I don't know what to say. Or how to help. I don't have to be the one to make it better but someone does and I'm scared that no one will. I'm scared that he has to suffer through this. I need help. Please. Please. I love him. I lied to myself. I love him so much. And he was never mine. And he doesn't have to be. I just want him to finally be happy. Why can't he ever be happy? I really don't know how to make it okay.

What Jonathan Taught Me

Alternate Working Title: Life Lessons Learned by Loving Lieder. 

But I'm not that pressed for alliteration.

1. Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they should be together.
2. You can love someone with absolutely everything you have. It doesn't guarantee they will share your feelings.
3. You can't change people. You can't save them.
4. You aren't alone in the whole heartbreak department. Usually, they work in chains. And you are not the end of the chain.
5. Musicians make excellent lovers. Until you fall in love with them.
6. You can't get over someone by finding someone new. Your body rejects them, and your heart feels like you're lying to it.
7. You are not the exception. You are the rule.

Tolerance

I want so badly for him to be happy.

Fury

"she cheated on me a second time 2 days later. with the same guy"

"are you still with her?"

"i don't want to be. but i can't do it... i like her too much unfortunately..."

It's not because it's him. I'm not jealous.  I'm not hung up on him. I do not care how much he likes her. I don't care what she may be going through. I don't care how much he'd miss her. I don't care how many chances he's willing to give her. I want her gone. I want her away from him. I want her emotionally dead. I don't want her to feel anymore. I want her name gone from our lives for good.

KHS Sweater Weather

Nothing will ever be as good as the original, but I adore this cover. The piano is beautiful. The build up at the end gets me every time. And Alyson Stoner! Flashbacks!

Wedding Plans

I am the girl who never planned her wedding.

And lately, because of conversations I've been having with several people, I think I might not get married. I mean, I realize people (my mother included) were joking when they said I wouldn't get married. But, like, that's totally possible. I mean I'm the most impatient person on the face of the Earth. And I'm stubborn and dependent. I'd be a horrible mother. Aunt is one thing because when it gets too hard, I'm not the one who has to face the problem. And even then, I have trouble with my niece sometimes. Seriously, the thought of pregnancy and labor and taking care of an infant and losing sleep and giving so much of myself for someone else? It all just scares me because I'm so selfish. And in theory I see very little bad about being married. But in practice I feel like it might just not be what God wants for me. Like, what if His plan is that I don't get married? And instead I travel and work and become successful in my field and do what I love and remain completely content with my life. I mean that happens to some people. What if that's me? And I would have zero right to question God's plan. And I would be grateful every day for the blessing that is loving my job and profiting off of what makes me happy.

And I mean I'm just so picky. A friend of mine got so annoyed with me when I told her I would not tolerate any drinking from the guy I'm with and she said "then you're never going to find anyone" and I said "yes I'm fully aware of that, that's fine". Because I have so many standards. I expect a sweet, charming, guy. Who is Christian. NOT DEBATABLE. And speaks Spanish. And is a gentleman. And sings. And shaves. And shares my interests. And doesn't drink or smoke. And understands that there will be no sex until marriage. And wants to live in MD. And is good with family. And my mom & sister approve of. So basically the boy you bring home to mom and dad. ON PAPER. And then I want recklessness when he's with me. Because I've found guys who are like that, but I'm never attracted to them. Because what I really want is a guy who has a darker side. And can get passionate. And adventurous. I'm so sick of guys who ask if it's okay to kiss me and then give me a peck on the lips. I want someone who will take the moment, grab me and hold me and lock lips with me like he needs me. Because I'm a masochist or something. Or because I'm a child and need someone to be in control. And I keep saying this is just what I want and if the guy's not like this it doesn't matter. BUT IT DOES. IT ALWAYS DOES. I GIVE GUYS A CHANCE AND THEN I END UP NOT BEING HAPPY BECAUSE HE ISN'T WHAT I WANT. So. Until I can freaking get over myself and work on my standards, I'm gonna be alone. Because the only guys who are adventurous aren't Christian boys who want to raise a family. And the only guys who like me always kill the mood by asking if it's okay to kiss me. I just left a scary unhealthy relationship where I gave up all my standards because I had feelings. Feelings weren't enough and once I realized that I was better off for it, God gave me another chance. I can't just waste it and settle for someone. Maybe this chance is just another way to say "hey, you're not gonna end up with anyone. And that's okay".

And I hope that it will be okay. Whatever God's plan is, I will follow it. And right now, me being alone just seems to make the most sense. It's not necessarily what I want. Why the hell would it be? I mean have you seen people in love? Have you WATCHED people FALL in love? Why wouldn't you want that? That unmatched feeling? It's incredible. It's magic. Of course I want that. I would kill for that. For a chance at having someone look at me that way, and kiss me that way, and talk to me that way, and laugh with me that way, and laugh AT me that way. But if God decides that's not for me, well then it's not for me. I have to be okay with it. And if He says it's okay. Then I guess it is okay.

Thoughts on Tangled

I truly am not the biggest Tangled fan. It's just not my favorite. The villain is pretty cool from a psychological perspective. But the music's not that great. The supporting characters aren't that developed. The acting isn't that fantastic (I mean come on it's frikkin Mandy Moore).

But I'll be damned if I'm not absolutely in love with Rapunzel & Flynn and everything that is so real and so true about their relationship.

False Salvation

You were supposed to be my salvation. You made it better. You made me realize. I was healed because of you.

And you ruined it.

I won't pick up the pieces you shattered, should it come to that. You're fixing your own damn mess. I've moved past that. It's no longer my job. But don't think I won't hate you for it.