2/17/14 - 1:43 - Jonathan

remember Sammi?
the one who i thought for over a year killed herself but then i randomly found out she was alive when she randomly texted me after my senior year?

I lived with that for almost 3 years

and she randomly texts me saying "hey, you never sang me that Panic at the Disco song like you promised q.q"

it took me a week to believe that it was her
it turns out that she was in a hospital because her seizures got EXTREMELY bad and her parents told NO ONE

so all of her friends texted and messaged me

blaming me for her death

constantly

i'm talking to her right now. i have been for a week

and i'm really freaking out right now because i'm opening up and yeah
the voices came back, i'm shaking, sweating, and it's hard to look at her
 

i mean. would it be better not to talk to her?

I need to Sammy I need to.
never actually broke up, just always thought she was dead.

you know what the worst part is?

she looks exactly the same since the last time I saw her.

I want the voices to go away

i want to stop shaking

i wish i had never met her yet at the same time i want everything back

you can't forget her

but i think it could be good youre talking again. its hard but. she's here. you've wanted her to be back. and. she is.

i can't get my head wrapped around that

i can't

she's. still. fucking. dead. to. me.

but. she's there. you saw her. you're talking to her.

but she's still dead, sammy. she is 6ft, underground, dead.

how

SHE JUST IS

OKAY?

alright. im sorry

no. i am.

i just

i dont know

 

I'm scared. And I'm broken. And I can't help him. I don't know what to say. Or how to help. I don't have to be the one to make it better but someone does and I'm scared that no one will. I'm scared that he has to suffer through this. I need help. Please. Please. I love him. I lied to myself. I love him so much. And he was never mine. And he doesn't have to be. I just want him to finally be happy. Why can't he ever be happy? I really don't know how to make it okay.