Soundtrack of My Life 2015

January - Sheets by Shannon Saunders
February - Take Shelter by Years and Years
March - Storm on the Sea by Fly Away Hero
April - Unbreakable Smile by Tori Kelly
May - Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots
June - Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy
July - Over My Head by the Fray
August - Done With Love by Zedd
September - Can't Sleep Love by Pentatonix feat. Tink
October - Hollow by Tori Kelly & Bottled Up by Tori Kelly
November - Funny by Tori Kelly & Should've Been Us (Live) by Tori Kelly
December - I Am Understood by Relient K

Songs of the Year: Storm on the Sea by Fly Away Hero & Should've Been Us by Tori Kelly

Why does this seem like a bad idea?

Does anyone else think this seems like a bad idea?
Because I think this seems like a bad idea!
I think this seems like a very VERY BAD IDEA!!!

I'm scurred.

(sidenote, I don't know how I feel about the fact that I got two Jonathan visits all to myself, and all the rest of them may be divided between Mandy and Stephanie. Mandy, I have no problem with because it's for her health and she's my baby. But Stephanie [not as a person, but as the motivation for a visit] rubs me the wrong way. ALSO THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP I SUPPORT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM BUT IT'S GONNA BE MY JOB TO MAKE SURE NEITHER OF THEM DIE AND IF HE MESSES UP WOW EVERYONE IS GONNA HATE MY BEST FRIEND BUT IF SHE MESSES UP WOW IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL I HAVE FOR ME NOT TO KILL HER. Wow I am shouting within parentheses; I feel like this is no longer a secondary thought)

Maybe it's fine. Maybe he'll change his mind. Or maybe she won't be interested and she'll just turn him down and nothing will be weird at all.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

November 2015

Was literally out to kill me. So you get two songs again. BOTH BY TORI KELLY. Both live versions, too. Literally this girl should win artist of the year at every award show 'cause isn't this like the sixth song of hers on here or something?

Funny (Live) by Tori Kelly
Should've Been Us by Tori Kelly (2015 VMAs version)

I like the VMAs version of this song better for this occasion. The studio feels so upbeat and reminiscent. The live one is just so raw and real. I would love to know who made her feel some type of way to make her sing with that much power.

October 2015

Soundtrack of my life

It's a tie this month, but both songs are by Tori Kelly.
Hollow and Bottled Up

UB

One day, I am gonna find each and every one of the Upward Bound staff members and hug them and thank them for all the amazing wonderful things they did for me. I want to thank them for changing my life in the best way possible and giving me an incredible four years and basis for my future.

Not the students though, 'cause those idiots dropped me like it was hot and I ain't even mad. I will always have love for the underclassmen ladies, and of course Eric and Xabiel. But that's about it.

September 2015

Can't Sleep Love by Pentatonix feat. Tink

God's Comedic Timing

THAT FEEL when you spend the most amazing night with the most amazing guy and you are over the moon. And your ex is texting you and you're like nah man this changes nothing. And the once-love-of-your-life messages you and you're like nope. AND THEN HECTOR ENRIQUE, WHO YOU HAVEN'T SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ABOUT IN AGES, POSTS A YOUTUBE VIDEO LOOKING ADORABLE AND GETTING HIS LIFE TOGETHER AND YOU'RE LIKE WHAT IS THIS?!?

Lol I have no desire to ever go there. like. Noooo. But I just find it so funny 'cause I totally forgot about him. And like. The next time he sees me, it's completely possible that I could be like "oh hey! Guess who I'm dating?" pahah

Sister In Christ

I wonder if I dislike you because I think you're fake and hypocritical or because you unintentionally remind me of all my flaws and all the things I could never be.

Probably both.

How to Scare Yourself

Take this just budding relationship that you are sort of in, certainly trying to start. Start to finally sort of think you're okay and you can look past all the obstacles because this is just starting out and you can cross those bridges as they come up, and trust that things will work out as they need to. Get very excited because wow this person is amazing and they care about you and it's wonderful.

And then visit his ex's tumblr and read an entire post about how much she misses him and wishes he would still be there for her and how she would change everything. Then just worry for forever for no damn reason. Because who knows if he saw it. If he did it was days ago. And he may not care, because he is into you and he may just be so past all the insane abusive manipulative bs she put him through.

But like. What if he isn't?

August 2015

Soundtrack of my life

Done with Love by Zedd

Really Bryan

It's like when you spend forever and a day writing an email to a professor because you don't want to sound disrespectful and you want to come off as eloquent and well thought out and make sure it's all perfect, and in the end all they respond is "k"

July 2015

Soundtrack of my life

Over My Head by The Fray
A Day to Remember's version is acceptable as well, but I think the piano matches me better.

Boy Crazy

The tentative song for July is Over My Head by the Fray

Samira and I chatted a lot during campamento. She finally knows how I feel (felt? feel? depending on what part of the conversation you focus on) about her brother. All the crazy, though brief, history. She listened to all of it. Intrigued because she never gets to hear about her brother. And she said she ships it. (Which Abi also did and Idalis kinda agreed with, for reasons that actually kinda made sense but I told them thanks except no for ALLLL THE REASONS and it made sense to them). I said "I thought you shipped me & JuanJosé? Didn't you tell Ang that you wanted me with him like a week ago?" And her response was "That's the more perfect one, but if that doesn't work out then this is good yes I approve". So we're an OTP (hah). But the conversation continued and she asked an important question. She didn't understand how it was so easy for me to like so many guys if I supposedly love them all.

It was interesting. Because by so many, I know she meant Fabrizio, Ethan, Jonathan, and you. Except it's slightly conditional. I mean Jonathan was someone I loved. I feel I was in love. I no longer am. I no longer do, not romantically. And it wasn't until I was passed that completely that I could really accept feelings for anyone else. Ethan, I can't say I loved romantically. I can't. I might've gotten close and I certainly had strong feelings for him but he honestly can't factor into this equation in the same way the others do.

But even still, the fact remains that I once loved Jonathan. I do love Fabrizio. I did really like Ethan. And everyone knows that I love you. It's still feelings for multiple guys in a short span of time, not to mention all the little crushes on random guys that meant nothing but I still talked about all the time. How does that work?

The answer is pretty simple I think. I am not committed. Because a commitment requires two people. And my feelings are always one sided, or at least they seem so. They feel hopeless. I see no future in the feelings that I have. And because it isn't going anywhere, something in me thinks "we both know this isn't gonna last so you might as well find somebody else". So I do.

A Correction!

I lied about my song for June. I found a better one. So just to recap, since we are halfway through the year.

2015!
January - Sheets by Shannon Saunders
February - Take Shelter by Years and Years
March - Storm on the Sea by Fly Away Hero
April - Unbreakable Smile by Tori Kelly
May - Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots
June - Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy

June 2015 Track

Hard to pick. It doesn't seem to be anything I've been listening to lately. It's certainly not Beautiful Now or Hey Mama or anything by Madeon. I pondered This Summer's Gonna Hurt, but literally nothing other than that one line applies. I've got a little bit of Where Are Ü Now going on, but not a whole lot. It's been a weird month of yay opportunity and eff everyone I wanna go back to McDaniel. And just the whole world going through changes. I want more. But I'm just gonna dance.

June 2015 - Illusion by Zedd ft Echosmith

Love Me Where the Light Is

I'm marrying him.

April May... But will June?

April 2015 - Unbreakable Smile by Tori Kelly
May 2015 - Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots

Runners up for the month of May were Real by Years and Years and Fight Song by Rachel Platten.

It has been a weird week. A negative one. My self esteem issues are all over the place again. I am not keeping up with my workouts or diet as I should. Driving terrifies me. I have a lot of regret. And a lot of anger and confusion. I do not want to make this blog completely negative, but I'd rather that than have a negative Skype call with you. And I do so long to talk to you. I'll tell you one thing: back when I had my Ethan disaster and I thought my world was ending, knowing that you were going to visit was the one thing that kept me from crashing. I miss you. And I look forward to speaking with you soon. And telling you face to (screens to) face that next month will be better. I won't let this rut get me down forever.

I Am Scared

I was thinking about the person who said those awful things to me back in... April I guess it was. I've kinda made my peace with it. I know that person won't like me and that's fine. We can still be civil, it's not a big deal. But it just scared me to think about how many other people may feel that way. And how many of my friends I may end up losing. And then, today, to see Jason's status just did it. He posted something about Lootcrate making him cringe. The monthly subscription that other people get because it has fun, cute items from various places related to their interests... makes him cringe. Is he that much of a hipster? Is he so terribly affected by the happiness of others? Why can't he ever be happy for someone or post something positive or dare to like what other people like instead of always criticizing every little thing? But the thing is there is no point in me saying anything because then he'll say I'm being ridiculous and taking it too seriously. He might even go as far as to think what the previous person thought. I dunno. I guess I don't want that negativity in my life anyway. But then, who else is like that? How many people am I gonna have to let go of? I'm so bad at that. How many people? Put that on top of Margie not wanting to leave Japan and Charlotte too busy with Spencer and the girls I grew up with all entirely different people now and my church never helping me feel like I belong and even LuzKarime just being far too busy at all times. I haven't felt this lonely in a while. And it hurts. And I'm sure there's plenty of people I can count on that I know will always be there for me. But it's hard to think right now. And I just wanna cry. And I don't even know who to cry to. And I hate being this clingy little mess that I've always been. I hate feeling like I don't matter.

Take Me Back

I have worked SO VERY HARD with my counselor. I have told myself that I don't need makeup. That I don't care whether or not people like how I look. What matters is if I like it and if I'm happy. And I may not yet, but I will soon. I need to focus on me. And I said no makeup. I don't need it. And it makes my skin break out even more, which only adds more things I dislike. I will be fine without it.

Mommy disagreed. And did not let me leave the house today for church until I agreed to put on makeup. I kept telling her I didn't want to and she said I needed to. I said I would if apparently I looked so bad. She only told me to hurry. I sat in the car applying foundation and doing all I could not to cry. Wouldn't want our mascara to run, now would we?

She completely derailed all of the work I had done this semester in a few minutes. Mind you, I can't tell her I went to counseling 'cause then she'll get nosy and think something about me is wrong and blame herself as a parent, all victimized. And I just don't need that. So here I go. Away from counseling. Back with mommy.

It is such a terrible feeling, going to church in a foul mood. It affects everything you take in that day. And when I was talking to Samira, who CONTINUES to go through her issues and I have no way to help her, my mom peeks in. She asks if we can go. I say no, I have to rehearse. She says they're rehearsing right now. I said no, they will start in two minutes, I will be right there. She says no, right now. Sammy, they are rehearsing right now, I saw them. So I have to leave Samira when she is at her lowest. And I can almost guarantee that when I left, my mom started asking Samira what was wrong, not understanding that if she wanted to talk to her she would've done so.

I get in the car after a long rehearsal and mommy is asking questions, which I answer in a short tone. She doesn't like it and I ask her if we can just not talk. Which she refuses and just doesn't get because she did nothing wrong and what don't I want to talk about? I say I don't want to talk about anything. I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk and I'd rather not snap at her for something she didn't do (even though it's 93% because of her, 7% because people don't know how to pick a tempo properly). She gets pissy, but it's the same as always. Time passes. I start to cool down, still want to cry, but I'm calming down. I ask her what she wants to watch during lunch. She says nothing. So we eat in silence. I ask her when I can start to take excess clothes out of my closet and where to leave them. No response. She doesn't speak to me until after lunch when she says she's going to work, which she never does on a Sunday, and if I want to leave to let her know.

Lord, I do not know what You have in mind for this Summer. I don't know where You're taking me. But if I get a vote, I want You to take me back. Please take me back to McDaniel.

Summer Plans

Just to write it down.

I want to get a job. But still have time to work out. And learn to drive. And go to driving school. And renew my permit. And be involved with church stuff. And visit my sister and niece all the time. And still make interesting youtube videos. And download/transfer all my music.

I also wanna have time for myself. To bum around and watch movies. Like, I need to watch ALL the Marvel movies this summer. And catch up with Doctor Who. I also wanna read at least 3 books. And of course stay caught up with all my youtubers. And Red vs Blue. And all the other Rooster Teeth stuff. And My Little Pony. And Naruto Shippuden. And Game of Thrones, even if it did piss me tf off.

I also wanna have some time to actually hang out with Jonathan. And Kimberly. And Rose. And Shelly. Jason. Storm. Alex. Harrison. Margie. Charlotte. Spencer. Mandy. Evan. Fabrizio. Xabiel? Emily. Jess. All of them. At least once. And then Skype you of course. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Uysh.

That's doable, right? Summer is three months.

"Or I'll Kill Him"

Sammy: Tumblr says I should date a Capricorn

Jess: Well Tumblr knows all

Sammy: But JuanJosé is in Canada

Jess: Is he a Capricorn?

Sammy: Yes.

Jess: You'll find a way

Literally what

Soundtrack of My Life - March

Just a recap for the year

January - Sheets by Shannon Saunders
February - Take Shelter by Years & Years
March - Storm on the Sea by Fly Away Hero

Is It On Purpose?

Is that selfie on purpose? Is this post to whoever the flip blog on purpose? Am I meant to notice them? I feel like I'm not. But he went out of his way to post the selfie on Twitter. Which he never uses. But okay. Whatever. I stay quiet. I stay quiet because he's not supposed to know I still care and that I'm struggling without him because I miss him consistently. As much as I wish I could brag about my Little and tell him about my meeting with the counselor and whine about not going to this concert or that convention... I can't. I won't.

Here's a thought. A thought that's blown my mind. I saw a quote that said "The person you think of when you look at the ocean. That's the person you're in love with". Except last time I was at the beach was August 2014. I thought about Jonathan. Because that's what I was supposed to do. Because I was used to that. And I quickly realized that I no longer wanted him to be with me in that moment. It wasn't about love. It was about victory. About me getting over my first love, which lasted for a toxic seven years. I thought about him because I expected to miss him and I didn't. I'm sure I thought about you at some point. Because I always do. Because I always miss you, and let's be totally real I've loved you for ages. But I know for a fact I thought about Fabrizio. Because at that point in my life, that's who I wanted to be with. I wasn't aware of that yet, but I did. But is that cheating?! 'Cause part of the reason I thought of him was also that he was six feet away from me! Like, we were at the beach together. It feels like a cop out. I dunno. I haven't been to the beach since then. What I have done is played with my niece. And yesterday, in the park, while playing with this beautiful girl and having her smile at me, I actually thought "I wish Ethan could meet you. He would seriously love you". I let those words enter my mind and I meant them. Is that love? Is that why I thought it? I thought that about Fabrizio all of January, but that's because I do love him. Is the reason I didn't think of Fabrizio then and there because I've accepted that I'll never be with him (slash don't particularly want to be with him)? Why Ethan?! Just 'cause he's the last guy I cared for? Or do I legitimately see a future with him where my niece has accepted him as a loved one in her life?

Some people fall in love after two weeks. It's possible. You know what else is possible? THIS IS JUST MY OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY. I'm like fixated on this BS 'cause Lord knows no one else is ever interested me. And maybe something in me thought he was my last chance? Maybe I don't miss him, maybe I just miss him loving me. 'Cause I was doing okay until it looked like he was doing okay. Well no, that's not true, I haven't been okay for a while now. But it got worse. He wasn't supposed to be doing better before I got the chance. Is this me being bitter? Is it me being spiteful? You know, I HAVE had a lot of difficulty being happy for other people lately, which is super unlike me. I dunno. It's possible that this really is just me clinging to a last hope. It's disgusting, but I wouldn't put it past me. Or maybe I do truly care about him and miss him. Maybe I am that stricken even though no time passed, and maybe I'm heartbroken because, even though I always thought I'd end up losing him at some point, it happened much sooner than I expected. EXCEPT IT WAS ONLY TWO WEEKS SAMANTHA, STOP BEING A LITTLE PIECE OF TRASH. Ugh.

I used to think I was okay with guys and relationships. I was never in one that lasted too long, but I was still okay at figuring out what I was doing. But here's the thing, I never went through anything too bad because in the back of my mind, I was still in love with Jonathan. Now that Jonathan is out of the picture, it's like HEY. JUST SO YOU'RE AWARE. YOU'RE GONNA DEDICATE ALL YOU ARE TO MEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY AND YOU WERE RAISED ON FAIRYTALES. Sobs. Bye Samantha. Bye.

New Routine

Time to up this work out routine. Time to challenge myself instead of sticking to this easy cardio. Time to get back into it, because I've gotten lazy. Other people are working hard. Other people are getting results. It's about time I do the same. I won't become some crazy exercise nut. I'm not gonna drastically change my eating habits. But I'm gonna feel good about myself, dammit. If he gets to do it, then so do I.

Potential March Songs

Only Love (Acoustic) by Pvris
Storm on the Sea by Fly Away Hero
Let Go by Frou Frou

Halfway through the month. This could go anywhere to be honest.

Soundtrack of My Life

2013: Youth by Daughter2014: Shut Up & Dance by Walk the Moon

2015:
January - Sheets by Shannon Saunders
February - Take Shelter by Years & Years

I Deserve

A real relationship

Someone who loves me

Someone I love

Someone who is there for me

Someone I can call just 'cause I wanna hear his voice

Someone I can vent to

Someone who will vent to me

Someone who will hold me

Someone who wants to make me smile

Someone who will deal with the mushy crap

Someone to dream with me

Someone whose family will become my close friends

Someone to watch stupid movies with

Someone who I get excited to shop for

Someone to set me straight when I'm being dumb

Someone I can encourage to be the amazing person I know they are

Someone to hold my hand as we pray together

Someone to miss, but not for long

Someone who, for some reason, actually smiles when I smile

Someone who won't use me

Someone who makes me better because he knows I can be better

Someone who wants me AND loves me

Someone whose scent I want to hold onto

Someone who shares his clothes with me even though its a million times too large

Someone who I didn't settle for

Someone who doesn't make me feel like he settled for me.

You Ever Hear Those Voices?

In those situations. Where things feel a little weird. But they're super fun. You've got an adrenaline rush. You're waiting to see what happens next. And it's exciting. But also terrifying. You can admit it, you're scared. But that's what makes it so thrilling. And you want to try. And try again. And just see how close you can get to the edge. Those voices that scream, and yet it only sounds like a whisper.

Get Out.

A Note for Hookups and Late Nights

I don't need a relationship. You don't have to date me. It doesn't have to be true love.

I just want you to want me and only me. I want to be more than a distraction. I want you to think of me when you're up late at night. I want you to miss me. I want you to look at your phone, see her texting you, and put it the hell away 'cause you're with me and that's what matters. I want kissing me to be the highlight of your day. Not your week. But your day. I want you to tell your friends about me 'cause "it's not like we're getting together or anything but man this girl".

You don't need to love me. But just want me.

To Fill You In

Someone's pregnant! And it ain't me or my sister. Or literally anyone in my family.

This actually isn't news to me. This person has no secrecy on social media. Literally anyone who wants to know anything about her life could find it out.

But I know you like being involved in the chisme! I remembered I should tell you.

Oh my poor baby.

Oh. That poor baby.