Boy Crazy

The tentative song for July is Over My Head by the Fray

Samira and I chatted a lot during campamento. She finally knows how I feel (felt? feel? depending on what part of the conversation you focus on) about her brother. All the crazy, though brief, history. She listened to all of it. Intrigued because she never gets to hear about her brother. And she said she ships it. (Which Abi also did and Idalis kinda agreed with, for reasons that actually kinda made sense but I told them thanks except no for ALLLL THE REASONS and it made sense to them). I said "I thought you shipped me & JuanJosé? Didn't you tell Ang that you wanted me with him like a week ago?" And her response was "That's the more perfect one, but if that doesn't work out then this is good yes I approve". So we're an OTP (hah). But the conversation continued and she asked an important question. She didn't understand how it was so easy for me to like so many guys if I supposedly love them all.

It was interesting. Because by so many, I know she meant Fabrizio, Ethan, Jonathan, and you. Except it's slightly conditional. I mean Jonathan was someone I loved. I feel I was in love. I no longer am. I no longer do, not romantically. And it wasn't until I was passed that completely that I could really accept feelings for anyone else. Ethan, I can't say I loved romantically. I can't. I might've gotten close and I certainly had strong feelings for him but he honestly can't factor into this equation in the same way the others do.

But even still, the fact remains that I once loved Jonathan. I do love Fabrizio. I did really like Ethan. And everyone knows that I love you. It's still feelings for multiple guys in a short span of time, not to mention all the little crushes on random guys that meant nothing but I still talked about all the time. How does that work?

The answer is pretty simple I think. I am not committed. Because a commitment requires two people. And my feelings are always one sided, or at least they seem so. They feel hopeless. I see no future in the feelings that I have. And because it isn't going anywhere, something in me thinks "we both know this isn't gonna last so you might as well find somebody else". So I do.