Is It On Purpose?

Is that selfie on purpose? Is this post to whoever the flip blog on purpose? Am I meant to notice them? I feel like I'm not. But he went out of his way to post the selfie on Twitter. Which he never uses. But okay. Whatever. I stay quiet. I stay quiet because he's not supposed to know I still care and that I'm struggling without him because I miss him consistently. As much as I wish I could brag about my Little and tell him about my meeting with the counselor and whine about not going to this concert or that convention... I can't. I won't.

Here's a thought. A thought that's blown my mind. I saw a quote that said "The person you think of when you look at the ocean. That's the person you're in love with". Except last time I was at the beach was August 2014. I thought about Jonathan. Because that's what I was supposed to do. Because I was used to that. And I quickly realized that I no longer wanted him to be with me in that moment. It wasn't about love. It was about victory. About me getting over my first love, which lasted for a toxic seven years. I thought about him because I expected to miss him and I didn't. I'm sure I thought about you at some point. Because I always do. Because I always miss you, and let's be totally real I've loved you for ages. But I know for a fact I thought about Fabrizio. Because at that point in my life, that's who I wanted to be with. I wasn't aware of that yet, but I did. But is that cheating?! 'Cause part of the reason I thought of him was also that he was six feet away from me! Like, we were at the beach together. It feels like a cop out. I dunno. I haven't been to the beach since then. What I have done is played with my niece. And yesterday, in the park, while playing with this beautiful girl and having her smile at me, I actually thought "I wish Ethan could meet you. He would seriously love you". I let those words enter my mind and I meant them. Is that love? Is that why I thought it? I thought that about Fabrizio all of January, but that's because I do love him. Is the reason I didn't think of Fabrizio then and there because I've accepted that I'll never be with him (slash don't particularly want to be with him)? Why Ethan?! Just 'cause he's the last guy I cared for? Or do I legitimately see a future with him where my niece has accepted him as a loved one in her life?

Some people fall in love after two weeks. It's possible. You know what else is possible? THIS IS JUST MY OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY. I'm like fixated on this BS 'cause Lord knows no one else is ever interested me. And maybe something in me thought he was my last chance? Maybe I don't miss him, maybe I just miss him loving me. 'Cause I was doing okay until it looked like he was doing okay. Well no, that's not true, I haven't been okay for a while now. But it got worse. He wasn't supposed to be doing better before I got the chance. Is this me being bitter? Is it me being spiteful? You know, I HAVE had a lot of difficulty being happy for other people lately, which is super unlike me. I dunno. It's possible that this really is just me clinging to a last hope. It's disgusting, but I wouldn't put it past me. Or maybe I do truly care about him and miss him. Maybe I am that stricken even though no time passed, and maybe I'm heartbroken because, even though I always thought I'd end up losing him at some point, it happened much sooner than I expected. EXCEPT IT WAS ONLY TWO WEEKS SAMANTHA, STOP BEING A LITTLE PIECE OF TRASH. Ugh.

I used to think I was okay with guys and relationships. I was never in one that lasted too long, but I was still okay at figuring out what I was doing. But here's the thing, I never went through anything too bad because in the back of my mind, I was still in love with Jonathan. Now that Jonathan is out of the picture, it's like HEY. JUST SO YOU'RE AWARE. YOU'RE GONNA DEDICATE ALL YOU ARE TO MEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY AND YOU WERE RAISED ON FAIRYTALES. Sobs. Bye Samantha. Bye.