Home for the Holidays

I'm having this realization that people aren't that close to their extended families. Which should be an obvious thing, but it's not.

Most people travel for the holidays. They've got family in different states, so they all pick a house and a giant meal is prepared and they're reunited for one of the few times they see each other all year. They spend a full weekend there. And when they don't travel, they are free to do as they wish for the holidays. As long as some time is spent with immediate family, it's not a big deal. So either teens go out with friends, or the four people in the house go to church together, or whatever.

My family is all within a half hour of each other. They always have been. We grew up together and have been each other's best friends our entire lives. There's never a lot of catching up to do because we already know what's going on. Sometimes people travel or move temporarily. But in all honesty, it's been so lovely having everyone there. My cousins and my aunts aren't just people I see around the holiday season and avoid at parties. They are ALWAYS. THERE. I know them intimately. As a result, we are blessed enough to spend every single holiday together. I can't imagine having grown up apart from them. I can't imagine celebrating anything without them.

Which is why, as I get older, it grows increasingly strange for me to see how different it is for others. I won't say I took my situation for granted because I've always been grateful for it. But it shocks me, even though it shouldn't, that this isn't how everyone lives. I hear about people's closest relatives (outside of immediate family) and most of the memories are reserved for special occasions. They didn't get together after school, they didn't have mutual friends, they didn't have sleepovers on random weekends. It felt so odd and disconnected. They only heard about each other through phone calls and stories from parents. Additionally, they spend New Year's out partying with friends from school or work, or they'll go to church and ring in the New Year with their congregation. I genuinely cannot imagine ever celebrating something so important without my family right by my side. And I'm realizing that a lot of that is because most people don't have that option. It's a blessing to have family so close. It's pretty common practice to not have that, evidently.

So I'm a little torn. Because I love my church, and I love my friends, and it would be so wonderful to enjoy holidays with them. Friendsgiving seems like a beautiful idea! And I agree with my Pastor and his wife, starting the new year right means putting God first, so spending New Years there sounds like a lovely idea. It just genuinely hurts me to think that my entire extended family wouldn't be there. That we could celebrate ANYTHING without all the delicious food and a game playing on TV and pictures in front of that same seagull painting. Eventually, I'll have to choose where I go. Eventually, I may have kids who don't get to live so close to their cousins, and I'll have to work extra hard to help them create and maintain those bonds. I've been so spoiled with this blessing that the thought of living just like everyone else does actually terrifies me and breaks my heart.

New Motifs In Life

• People can never text back but they will carry full conversations with me on snapchat
• Holding hands in cars
• Having conversations about why relationships won't work while already in bed with the person
• "It's just an hour drive, I don't mind"
• "You're cute" "I didn't do anything" "You didn't have to"

Broken Legs

Context: I mentioned yesterday's lesson at church to you. One of the analogies she mentioned was shepherds and sheep, which we see throughout the Bible. What happens in real life is when a sheep runs off, a shepherd will go after it and bring it back home. But sheep are stupid. So so so very mindless and stupid. And it'll run off again. So the shepherd goes out and brings back the little lost sheep. And again and again. Eventually, what a shepherd will do is break the leg of the sheep so that it can't run off. And yes, it hurts, and the sheep is sad. But the wound will heal. And the shepherd only does this so that the sheep won't go get into worse trouble outside. The Bible repeatedly refers to us as sheep. Yes, we are cared for, but we are also very stupid.

So after yesterday's lesson, I of course started thinking about what sins I might've been running to and how God may choose to break my leg. I thought about Nestor, and how broken I felt after the fact, with all the humiliation and rejection and guilt. Maybe the lesson was to explain why I had to hurt so badly and that this is a good thing because now I can be pushed in the right direction instead of constantly crawling back to him. It might also be something in the future, a lesson as a preventative measure. I thought about the tater tots and laughed. I thought about Michael. I've spent a lot of this weekend talking to him. Flirting with him. Enjoying our conversations and pondering a lot of what ifs. I feel stupid for it sometimes. But he makes me happy. That isn't to say I see myself happy with him forever, I still have my doubts. But I'm willing to give it a shot. He asked if I'd like to go on a date one day and I said yes. Because even if the relationship part doesn't work, he's still a cool person and a good friend so it should be a fun time.

I had a dream last night. About Jess Anderson. Michael told her what was going on (or a slightly skewed version, he said that I had been instigating the relationship even though this feels pretty mutual IRL). She wasn't mad, and she never said it wasn't okay. But after a four year relationship, even when you're with somebody else, it can still be a tough reality to handle. She was in the same mindset that I imagine I'd be if someone were to date Nick right now: I'm not happy for you because this is weird and I can only picture this person with me, but it's none of my business and honestly I have zero desire to be with this person so give me some time to be bitter and then I'll be happy for you. She tried to be positive about it around Michael. Fast forward a couple of days and all the alumn (so not Michael) are back at McDaniel for a show or something. And Jess brings it up a lot. And spends the whole day voicing all the reasons why it won't work and she thinks it's a bad idea and we just don't make sense together. Which, if she's a good friend, she would mention to me anyway. But this was always in front of lots of other people and it was incredibly petty. And of course everyone agreed with her and asked how I could do something like that and wasn't it weird? And they all just felt so judgemental and, I dunno, like disappointed parents. I woke up after that.

I'm wondering if this is God trying to warn me before I do something stupid and He has to break my leg. Or maybe this is just my fears showing their head so that I can handle this and talk to Jess early on. I think I'll shoot her a message today. She doesn't need all the details, but she should at least know where my feelings are. I have no clue if this relationship will work in the future, and it is very idiotic of me to even bother right now, considering he'll be in Illinois for a good while, if not forever (he's a theatre kid, he's in the ideal living situation right now). I dunno. But he's visiting before Thanksgiving next week, so I've gotta be sure to pray about this and truly listen to God's advice. Sigh. Oh Sammy. It's always about a boy.

Motivations for Driving

• Daddy stays quiet
• No more asking for rides/inconveniencing anyone
• Easier to search for jobs/work in more places
• Less scheduling conflicts
• Finally able to attend Covenant Life Church permanently
• Able to drive to Canada
• Able to drive myself to New Jersey for Emily's wedding (hopefully 2017!)
• Able to pick Mandy up in the summer so we can both attend Covenant Life Church
• Can drive the niece and nephew around for fun times

Guaranteed Constants

Things that are guaranteed to happen for the rest of my life:

• People will keep saying the word "retarded"
• People will keep cursing around me
• People will keep saying the b word, not realizing how misogynistic it is, women included
• People will keep using the n word, pretending it isn't racist in certain contexts
• People will keep making rape/date rape jokes
• People will keep joking about very delicate subjects in harmful ways
• I will continue to be upset and bothered by all the aforementioned things
• I will continue to voice my dislike of the aforementioned things
• I will continue to explain, as calmly and logically as I can, why it isn't okay
• People will still make excuses for their behavior
• People will still say everyone gets offended too easily
• People will still call me a social justice warrior or PC police
• People will still go on and on about how words shouldn't be given power, despite words being one of mankind's most powerful tools
• I will always be exhausted by this subject
• I will always be upset, regardless of all excuses, name calling, and "freedom of speech" rants
• I will always speak up about it, fully aware of the fact that it may change nothing and even annoy people, in the hopes that someday one person will listen and get it

More Memory Tears

We talked about seeing each other at Choices. How no one would even know we were together so it would shock everyone. We both hate PDA, but we said we'd have a long, intense kiss in front of everyone, and that's how we'd let them know. We joked about how everyone would react.

I don't know why some part of me still hoped it would happen. How on earth I thought it maybe still had a chance. I wondered if he'd kiss me at all. It's all I wanted to do up in that light booth. I could've stared at him working forever, with his silly commentary and his goofy smile and his stupid bright eyes. Seriously. He's far more handsome than I allowed myself to remember, and all I wanted was for him to finish working, grab me, and pull me into him. But it never happened. As I should've expected. And eventually, I'll be okay with that and maybe even grateful. But for right now, I'm just hurting and miserable. I am aching for his affection. Specifically his. It's not loneliness. It's desperation for one specific person to be just as desperate for me.

I can hold a good conversation with him. I'm so grateful that it doesn't feel weird and he doesn't ignore me and I can keep up a conversation with him. I don't want to just have conversations with him. I don't want to go back to the past year where we barely interacted. I don't want to be civil and enjoy a friendly interaction whenever I see him, as rare as that already is. I want those Senior Week nights back. I want Skype calls where we both stay on too late. I want trips in his truck and his voice on the phone and his arms holding me close. I want to scream and cry and collapse because none of that will ever be real again. I feel so empty. And tomorrow, we go back to our normal lives, and my normal life is no longer the joy and comfort that McDaniel gave me, and I can no longer deny this reality. The world goes on, and it is not going to wait for Nick and I to get back together. We have to keep moving with it.

For The Anxious Moments