My mom and I got into a fight. A fight that further confirmed we will never fully get along. Which is not okay for a mother and daughter, especially ones who walk in the faith. But I just do not like her as a person. Like, I adore her as a mother and I respect her as as guardian and a guide. But if she were some person I worked with or went to school with, we would not get along. Coping with that is hard. And it leads to arguments like today where we both get our feelings hurt and we both play the victim and no progress is made. But it forced me to tell her about my depression, finally. She knows now. She thought I was depressed about specific situations. She didn't know the severity. And I absolutely hate to think this is now a thing she has to live with and think about frequently and pray about. Like. Ugh. This is now her burden. And she's making sure I see a counselor regularly. Which is not what I wanted. But honestly, I needed it. I'm grateful. I need this. I need to prioritize my health. So, maybe it's good we fought.
I had a meltdown. I sobbed. I freaked out. I texted Nick. And he was there for me almost immediately. He comforted me a little but mostly just spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and handle this, and he talked me through some steps, more or less. It was so nice to know that he was there for me and he cared. And then the conversation was over 'cause he went to bed. And I felt really, really empty. It's crazy, the effect he has on my body and my mind. This is my life now.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Blessings In Disguise (Pt. 2)
Angelique has never been my favorite person. That's a lie. She was once. But it's been a very long time. And after the major mistake I made in November, I felt our relationship was absolutely broken. I thought I'd ruined everything forever, and I felt so guilty when I saw her that it made me physically ill. I was learning to cope with the idea that we'd never be able to exist in the same space comfortably. And within the formality of church, that seemed like it was just my new reality.
Ang is filling in at work this week. Since so many people have been on vacation, she was called to help out around the office. She's had several positions in the office before, so she can handle it. She's done with her summer job with her school so now she's fully available to work at the office temporarily and even go to our church again. I was kind of devastated when I found out. I was scared to be at work. I wanted to count down the days until she left again. But it's not necessary. I don't know if it's the different setting or what, but everything is just so much easier. We can joke with each other. We can have genuine conversations. We work together. And it's pleasant. The whole thing feels so easy. I don't feel any animosity. And that's all I've wanted for so long. I wanted God to take those negative feelings away and help us support one another despite our different paths in life. I finally feel okay doing that.
I don't expect us to be best friends now. We're far too different. We barely see each other. There's a lot of things she says and believes that I just can't support or agree with. I'm not entirely too keen on getting close to someone who posts about #AllLivesMatter or makes every conversation about her school or her boyfriend. But we're friendly. We're civil. We can move past the idiotic mistakes we (I) made and love one another as we're called to do. I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. But I do. Finally.
Ang is filling in at work this week. Since so many people have been on vacation, she was called to help out around the office. She's had several positions in the office before, so she can handle it. She's done with her summer job with her school so now she's fully available to work at the office temporarily and even go to our church again. I was kind of devastated when I found out. I was scared to be at work. I wanted to count down the days until she left again. But it's not necessary. I don't know if it's the different setting or what, but everything is just so much easier. We can joke with each other. We can have genuine conversations. We work together. And it's pleasant. The whole thing feels so easy. I don't feel any animosity. And that's all I've wanted for so long. I wanted God to take those negative feelings away and help us support one another despite our different paths in life. I finally feel okay doing that.
I don't expect us to be best friends now. We're far too different. We barely see each other. There's a lot of things she says and believes that I just can't support or agree with. I'm not entirely too keen on getting close to someone who posts about #AllLivesMatter or makes every conversation about her school or her boyfriend. But we're friendly. We're civil. We can move past the idiotic mistakes we (I) made and love one another as we're called to do. I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. But I do. Finally.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Introverted Broken Boys
I'm panicking about my hypocrisy.
I always sit here and talk about how important religion is to me. How I need to be with a Christian guy, and that God has to be the center of our relationship. When it's not a relationship, I dare to fool around and outright ignore Him. It's not like I forget. I don't come home and realize. I tune His voice out and then pretend He will forgive me.
I feel like the only guy who should be counted as Christian is Nestor. And that wasn't even real. It was a figment of my imagination, my wishful thinking, my ignorance of God's plan for me. I pretended He wanted this when He made it clear earlier that it wasn't for me. Nestor may have been good for me but I could do nothing for him. I'd never help him grow. Matt and Andrew may have been Christian, but they lived in ways I couldn't condone, and I am unsure how those who fear God would. Regardless, they would not have helped me grow. I would have stayed comfortable, pretending that my relationship with God was stronger because I was with a man who identified as Christian. It takes more than that. Besides, not a single one of them was real. It was all maybes and somedays and we'll sees and it all ended up being nothing.
The only real relationship I've ever had, where my family knew and his family knew and we went on dates and were an official couple was with Storm. Which lasted two weeks. And sure as heck did not improve my relationship with God.
I feel like every time I lie to my mom about their religious background, I'm convincing myself. By saying Storm went to church with his uncle, or Xabiel went to church with Aarik, or Jonathan still played piano with his church, or Eric was curious and wanted to go but never could because of family. It's not real! They go occasionally and sure they may enjoy it but it's not a priority and it's not a lifestyle! How can I grow from that?! Who am I kidding, saying that this is so freaking important to me and I just ignore it every single time.
No one before Storm was official with my mom. Not one. And not a single one of them was Christian. Meaning my only real relationship, if you can call it that, was with one of the worst exes I've ever had. Not because he was a bad person or wasn't an amazing friend. But there were hardly any feelings there and it was over before I blinked. Even Xabiel, who I consider the best boyfriend I've ever had, was somewhat hidden from my family AND was doomed from the start because I knew that I wanted more out of my future.
AND YET I KEEP FALLING INTO THIS PATTERN. Introverted, broken boys who don't know what they're doing with their futures and therefore have very little ability to improve mine. I fall for this same type every time and somehow convince myself that this little bit of them that doesn't completely hate Christianity can be converted?! It's probably what I did with Ethan. It's definitely what I'm doing with Nick. "I'm willing to give it a try" does not equate to a man who will bring me closer to God. It's someone I have to watch and help and guide. I am happy to do this for a friend. I'm happy to do this for anyone who will listen. Significant others are different. Relationships should not always mean waiting for the other person to catch up. Relationships should not stunt my spiritual growth. Growing together is one thing, but this is more likely to push me back.
So why am I sticking around with this kid? It makes no sense. I'm holding out because he makes me feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happier with him. I feel at peace with him. I have fun and I can be myself. I feel safe and protected. He's inspiring and entertaining and passionate and loving and every second I get to know him more, I enjoy him more. But I don't love him, and I refuse to say it as much as I want to because I know that's just my desire to be in love talking. I have no damn clue where my feelings for Jonathan are at because, despite the fact that I GENUINELY believe I can't wait for them to go away 100% since that's impossible, something is still there and probably will be for years to come. Wherever I'm at probably isn't fair to Nick. And even if Jonathan were not a factor and I didn't almost let my life end because he slept with someone else and I were completely over him and only interested in Nick, that doesn't change the fact that somewhere down this road, Nick will have to make a choice about his faith and it HAS to be for him and not me AND EVEN THEN I won't be able to be with him and have a family with him because I don't want to do all the teaching in a relationship. But of course, if I break things off preemptively, then that's just stupid. Because then I'm only looking at obstacles. And his health would probably suffer from it.
The guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. I thought I had it in JuanJosé but we're different people now, and I know I couldn't make him happy. He probably couldn't make me happy spiritually either, though I don't know that for sure, but I guess it's easier to think that way. The few others I knew were taken, and happily so. And even Nestor wasn't all I expected. He has since come up from that dark place and has grown spiritually (at least visibly), but he's held onto some darkness, and whether or not he's aware, he caused me to fall in the process. How can I say I'm settling if I don't know any other way?
I'm in so much pain. The day Nick tells me he loves me I may just burst into tears. Because how can I let such an amazing person go? I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. But I have to unless a major change happens. And I don't know if he even counts as the same person after that.
A separate note entirely. I miss Idalis. I feel like she may be the one person I could talk to about this. And I can't talk to her. My heart aches.
I always sit here and talk about how important religion is to me. How I need to be with a Christian guy, and that God has to be the center of our relationship. When it's not a relationship, I dare to fool around and outright ignore Him. It's not like I forget. I don't come home and realize. I tune His voice out and then pretend He will forgive me.
I feel like the only guy who should be counted as Christian is Nestor. And that wasn't even real. It was a figment of my imagination, my wishful thinking, my ignorance of God's plan for me. I pretended He wanted this when He made it clear earlier that it wasn't for me. Nestor may have been good for me but I could do nothing for him. I'd never help him grow. Matt and Andrew may have been Christian, but they lived in ways I couldn't condone, and I am unsure how those who fear God would. Regardless, they would not have helped me grow. I would have stayed comfortable, pretending that my relationship with God was stronger because I was with a man who identified as Christian. It takes more than that. Besides, not a single one of them was real. It was all maybes and somedays and we'll sees and it all ended up being nothing.
The only real relationship I've ever had, where my family knew and his family knew and we went on dates and were an official couple was with Storm. Which lasted two weeks. And sure as heck did not improve my relationship with God.
I feel like every time I lie to my mom about their religious background, I'm convincing myself. By saying Storm went to church with his uncle, or Xabiel went to church with Aarik, or Jonathan still played piano with his church, or Eric was curious and wanted to go but never could because of family. It's not real! They go occasionally and sure they may enjoy it but it's not a priority and it's not a lifestyle! How can I grow from that?! Who am I kidding, saying that this is so freaking important to me and I just ignore it every single time.
No one before Storm was official with my mom. Not one. And not a single one of them was Christian. Meaning my only real relationship, if you can call it that, was with one of the worst exes I've ever had. Not because he was a bad person or wasn't an amazing friend. But there were hardly any feelings there and it was over before I blinked. Even Xabiel, who I consider the best boyfriend I've ever had, was somewhat hidden from my family AND was doomed from the start because I knew that I wanted more out of my future.
AND YET I KEEP FALLING INTO THIS PATTERN. Introverted, broken boys who don't know what they're doing with their futures and therefore have very little ability to improve mine. I fall for this same type every time and somehow convince myself that this little bit of them that doesn't completely hate Christianity can be converted?! It's probably what I did with Ethan. It's definitely what I'm doing with Nick. "I'm willing to give it a try" does not equate to a man who will bring me closer to God. It's someone I have to watch and help and guide. I am happy to do this for a friend. I'm happy to do this for anyone who will listen. Significant others are different. Relationships should not always mean waiting for the other person to catch up. Relationships should not stunt my spiritual growth. Growing together is one thing, but this is more likely to push me back.
So why am I sticking around with this kid? It makes no sense. I'm holding out because he makes me feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happier with him. I feel at peace with him. I have fun and I can be myself. I feel safe and protected. He's inspiring and entertaining and passionate and loving and every second I get to know him more, I enjoy him more. But I don't love him, and I refuse to say it as much as I want to because I know that's just my desire to be in love talking. I have no damn clue where my feelings for Jonathan are at because, despite the fact that I GENUINELY believe I can't wait for them to go away 100% since that's impossible, something is still there and probably will be for years to come. Wherever I'm at probably isn't fair to Nick. And even if Jonathan were not a factor and I didn't almost let my life end because he slept with someone else and I were completely over him and only interested in Nick, that doesn't change the fact that somewhere down this road, Nick will have to make a choice about his faith and it HAS to be for him and not me AND EVEN THEN I won't be able to be with him and have a family with him because I don't want to do all the teaching in a relationship. But of course, if I break things off preemptively, then that's just stupid. Because then I'm only looking at obstacles. And his health would probably suffer from it.
The guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. I thought I had it in JuanJosé but we're different people now, and I know I couldn't make him happy. He probably couldn't make me happy spiritually either, though I don't know that for sure, but I guess it's easier to think that way. The few others I knew were taken, and happily so. And even Nestor wasn't all I expected. He has since come up from that dark place and has grown spiritually (at least visibly), but he's held onto some darkness, and whether or not he's aware, he caused me to fall in the process. How can I say I'm settling if I don't know any other way?
I'm in so much pain. The day Nick tells me he loves me I may just burst into tears. Because how can I let such an amazing person go? I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. But I have to unless a major change happens. And I don't know if he even counts as the same person after that.
A separate note entirely. I miss Idalis. I feel like she may be the one person I could talk to about this. And I can't talk to her. My heart aches.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Como se dice
What's the polite way to say I literally cannot stand your shrill voice and if you butcher one more Disney song I may actually have to cut your head off?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO A HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME SONG YOU DO NOT WANT TO SING IT IN FRONT OF ME.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO A HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME SONG YOU DO NOT WANT TO SING IT IN FRONT OF ME.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Consequences
It has become evident to me that the mistakes I made with Angelique, Nestor, and Ethan are going to be with me for the rest of my life. These are mistakes that have shaped me, will continue to hurt, and will continue to make me grow.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Stage Moms
Jess and I did not always agree. But we made things work. We did our very best. Did I feel jealous at times? Sure. I probably voiced it, too. But it happens. Mae wanted Jess. It was bound to happen.
Lyndsay was brilliant to work with, but she also took a sideline role most of the time. She helped me when I needed it, and otherwise stayed quiet. We didn't disagree on much. She was just good.
I hate working with Jen. This is miserable. I'm so sick of Jen. I have been all year. But it's just getting worse and worse every day. I get it, I'm annoying and overbearing and say stupid crap. I do. It's real. But holy crap, role your eyes at me again and watch me deck you. I'm livid and it's just because she's present. Because she complains about every damn thing and is always in some kind of pain or stress or Lord knows what. I hate being around her. Honestly. It makes me angry. It fills me with negativity. I do not like the way she handles things, ESPECIALLY as a Stage Mom. And I am not the end all be all in this position and I won't pretend I can do it all because I can't. But she infuriates me. And I have to tolerate her for three more months. I hate living with her. That's miserable enough. But the ONE THING that makes me happy and makes me feel like I have purpose has always been my job as a Stage Mom. And she CANNOT take that from me. I freaking refuse.
Lyndsay was brilliant to work with, but she also took a sideline role most of the time. She helped me when I needed it, and otherwise stayed quiet. We didn't disagree on much. She was just good.
I hate working with Jen. This is miserable. I'm so sick of Jen. I have been all year. But it's just getting worse and worse every day. I get it, I'm annoying and overbearing and say stupid crap. I do. It's real. But holy crap, role your eyes at me again and watch me deck you. I'm livid and it's just because she's present. Because she complains about every damn thing and is always in some kind of pain or stress or Lord knows what. I hate being around her. Honestly. It makes me angry. It fills me with negativity. I do not like the way she handles things, ESPECIALLY as a Stage Mom. And I am not the end all be all in this position and I won't pretend I can do it all because I can't. But she infuriates me. And I have to tolerate her for three more months. I hate living with her. That's miserable enough. But the ONE THING that makes me happy and makes me feel like I have purpose has always been my job as a Stage Mom. And she CANNOT take that from me. I freaking refuse.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
That's Cute Try Again
Okay, he DOES NOT get to call me on that. Especially since he unfriended me on Facebook for like a year.
I made a choice after high school. It was a hard one and it took me a while to actually do it, but I made it and finally executed. After high school, I would stop being the one to always make the plans and always call and text and see how other people have been doing. I'd let them come to me once in a while. And if they did, of course I'd reciprocate. They could ask about me and ask to see me and it would be just fine. But they didn't. A lot of people, THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, did not bother! So why the heck should I? If you miss me, you will contact me, is that not the case? Why does our friendship completely rely on me doing work? It freaking shouldn't. Apparently it did. So I am to blame. Well if that's the case, my bad. You're right. You are 100% correct. I stopped trying. Whoops. Too bad, so sad. Explains why none of my boys stuck around. The fact is I still see Jonathan. I still see Charlotte and Margie. Even SPENCER shoots me a message maybe twice a year. Kimberly and I can still talk, man. I see Evan at least once a year, and it's such a beautiful reunion. I STILL TALK TO MY TWO BEST FRIENDS IN CANADA. Me not being physically in front of you should not affect this friendship, and the people who CARED knew that. So whoops. My. Bad. Deuces.
I made a choice after high school. It was a hard one and it took me a while to actually do it, but I made it and finally executed. After high school, I would stop being the one to always make the plans and always call and text and see how other people have been doing. I'd let them come to me once in a while. And if they did, of course I'd reciprocate. They could ask about me and ask to see me and it would be just fine. But they didn't. A lot of people, THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, did not bother! So why the heck should I? If you miss me, you will contact me, is that not the case? Why does our friendship completely rely on me doing work? It freaking shouldn't. Apparently it did. So I am to blame. Well if that's the case, my bad. You're right. You are 100% correct. I stopped trying. Whoops. Too bad, so sad. Explains why none of my boys stuck around. The fact is I still see Jonathan. I still see Charlotte and Margie. Even SPENCER shoots me a message maybe twice a year. Kimberly and I can still talk, man. I see Evan at least once a year, and it's such a beautiful reunion. I STILL TALK TO MY TWO BEST FRIENDS IN CANADA. Me not being physically in front of you should not affect this friendship, and the people who CARED knew that. So whoops. My. Bad. Deuces.
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