Ruined

I used to hear a lot about couples who, after the breakup, couldn't go back to certain restaurants or parks or whatever because it would remind them of their ex. I got it but I never got it. I didn't have that. Anywhere I went was special to me and who I am, and anyone who came with me was just a happy memory, but it didn't define the place for me.

Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.

Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.

McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.

Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.

At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?

The Pretty Sky, Not Bad, Not Bad At All

Youtube Non Comments

 I wrote this and then changed names to guy/girl. But I don't know why because if you know who they are, you'll know regardless of hiding names.

Girl - Senior at McDaniel. My peer mentor. Theatre kid. Gorgeous (son, she models and does pageants). Sweet. Hilarious. Wonderful.

Guy - Junior at McDaniel. Theatre kid. Artist. Youtube vlogger. Dedicated artist. Absolutely hilarious. Great to be around. Someone I wish I were closer to.

Story: They dated for a year. Lived together. Had 3 cats (Jade & Calvin, her cats, and Cube who they bought together). Right before school started (or like a month or so?), he broke up with her. And she was sad kitty. And now I think she's okay. They're still friends. They still hang out. He has moved out, her friends have moved in (3 girls all WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL TALENTED people but irrelevant). Since Cube was technically both of theirs, Guy took Cube. However, Cube & Calvin are attached at the hip cause love feels. So Guy took them both, leaving Girl with only Jade. Now Girl is starting to, once again, be in Guy's videos.

I WISH I COULD ANSWER ALL THE YOUTUBE COMMENTS' QUESTIONS! YES THEY BROKE UP! AND HE TOOK 2 CATS, THAT'S WHY JADE ISN'T THERE. NO YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO THE WEDDING, AND EFF YOU WHOEVER SAID HE CAN DO BETTER THAN HER. (Not even picking sides on that one, they're both great people and you need to not be so rude because he still values their friendship dearly). To whoever called these two your OTP, you make me sad.

 I know he sees the comment, why not answer the questions? I hate that fans are so dang nosy, but the fact is if you're willing to put your personal life out there, you really can't be picky choosy about what you tell people. It's not fair to your viewers and kinda defeats your purpose.

That Was...

BEYOND AMAZING.

Professional

WE DON'T GESTURE TO THE TECHIES IN OUR BOW?! Heart: Broken.

Harvey

So Carroll County is a ghost hot spot. McDaniel campus is FULL of them. Harvey is the ghost in our theatre. He will matter later.

My Day (Tech run):
- Throat feels sore. I'm packed with cough drops. Baby le'go
- Successful run of Act II, cool cool
- Silhouettes in Without Love do not work. Good. I felt short and hated being paired with Adrian anyway.
- Get to I Know Where I've Been. Finish song. Lightboard why you no work? Dinner break!
- Pumpkin Pie. LOUL diet? Fun dinner.
- Go to room and recieve LOVELY present from my roommate (so so so happy)
- Wig fits. Woot. I'm concerned about doing this on my own. But hey.
- Start the run, so far so good.
- Miss a set cue. Damn. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself. I'll make sure I'm there early every time.
- Change costumes, oh snap, missed another cue. But this one is okay. Now I know.
- Set change is all good.
- Welcome to the 60's! Singing was great. Dancing needs so much work. Pooh.
- Quick change. Kill me slowly we won't have time.
- Run & Tell That ends and I am SPENT and all out of cough drops. I'm dying for the act to end so I can get water.
- From here on out cues are all good and such, but my voice is still killing me.
- Lighting board problem solved. WOOT.
- Dancing fixed goodie goodie.
- Here's the crazy part. We're about to run the scene change between Madison and Nicest Kids Reprise one last time. Everyone is on stage. We are almost moving. Disco. Ball. Drops. And shatters. Time freezes. It was so crazy. I wonder if Harvey did it, Phantom of the Opera style. Lena was SO close, but no one was hurt, thank God.
- Go downstairs immediately for notes. One of them being that in I Know Where I've Been, the white kids need to be more into the music because the African-American kids and one Hispanic look so moved and the white kids look like their at a Methodist church. ELIZABETH I LOVE YOU.
- All I wanna know is if John thinks I'm clingy or flirting because I want to be neither. Not interested, sorry if you got another vibe 'cause I'd be annoyed, too.
- Finally back. Mom is coming tomorrow to drop off nonsense. Until then, peppermint tea and lots of cough drops courtesy of Emily & Sara <3
- Must recover. No singing for Sammy... DX

Long entry is long.