Ruined

I used to hear a lot about couples who, after the breakup, couldn't go back to certain restaurants or parks or whatever because it would remind them of their ex. I got it but I never got it. I didn't have that. Anywhere I went was special to me and who I am, and anyone who came with me was just a happy memory, but it didn't define the place for me.

Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.

Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.

McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.

Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.

At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?