The fact that I'm not closer with Angelique will always bother me. Because it's 100% my fault. We were good. And then I kinda didn't trust her. And then I became incredibly jealous. And then I just didn't believe her ever. And then I went and ruined everything with unnecessary harshness and hypocritical judgement and an insane lack of compassion. And then I drowned in regret. And then I distanced myself because that's what I do when people don't like me. And then I realized she was distant with everyone so maybe she wasn't still mad - but that didn't stop me from blaming myself SLASH she was totally still mad, at least enough to bring the incident up again. And then we were civil. And then we were actually okay. And then I learned that I disagree with her politics and just a lot of what she believes as a person so, had we not had history, I wouldn't want to be friends with her. And then she went back to school. And then I didn't try. And then I tried way too hard. And then I got scared for her as I learned more about her situation, of course not from her, and I wanted her to know that despite everything I was still there for her. And then nothing changed. She kept being a kind, civil person and treating me well because why wouldn't she? And I kept acting like everything was fine because I wouldn't I? And everything leading up to her wedding made me realize that I was not her friend. Like, she did not see me as a friend. Because why would she? And then I didn't even bother to take pictures with her at the wedding because WHY WOULD I SEEK OUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME ON THE DAY WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPL SHE LOVES. And then I felt guilty because maybe I should've tried harder. And now they're married and I know nothing, because why should I? And it's weird because we're supposed to be family in Christ but... I genuinely don't know how much of our relationship was ever real. I didn't fake all of it. Especially in the beginning, I felt close to her and grateful for her presence in my life. So much happened. I hate that things happen. But hey. Idalis feels like a stranger, too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised I'm not in any wedding pictures. Honestly, I shouldn't have been invited.
I want to see Jess first, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to talk to Michael again soon.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
A Mass Whine Post
Michael and I stopped talking. I don't necessarily want to say why on here. I have his permission, but I still don't feel the need to bash him. He did something heinous but it's not my job or my desire to turn everyone against him. I just can't talk to him anymore. I'm not even mad. I'm just disgusted. I don't want someone like him in my life. I don't feel like I can trust him. It's a crappy situation but it feels like the best choice. I'm not sure how long it will be that way. I feel a little extra odd 'cause I try so hard to be a positive person, and I KNOW that Michael was my outlet to vent. I told him all the crap stuff going on in my life because he let me. And now I don't really have anywhere to let go of things.
Seeing family was wonderful. Exhausting and kind of stressful, but wonderful. WOW did the roads in this country give me massive anxiety. So steep. So narrow. So windy. Mountainous. And NOBODY shows any courtesy. But it's okay. The country is beautiful. Growing and adapting and expanding rapidly. It's vibrant and full of color and music and life. But it never loses it's old charm. A lot is going on, a lot of changing, not all for the best. But what country is free of politics nowadays, right? It was good to feel so at home and so welcome. Not so great to have everyone talk about my weight? All good things. Everyone mentioned how pretty an skinny I was. Except for I've been thinner and also I'd like to not have those two words be synonymous and I know I haven't grown but is that really all anyone can say? And they joke about "don't overfeed her while she's here, don't make her gain weight" as if gaining weight would be the end of the world. Please don't do that, I'm trying so hard not to care about that and just enjoy my vacation. And also, if you're gonna make that joke, then maybe stop feeding me so much? I know it's like Latino family rule to overfeed all guests but you literally just told all my other relatives not to do that soo... I dunno. Not a great feeling.
My uncle, who is a doctor and IN NO WAY meant to offend me, started talking to me about my acne. It's gotten bad, has been for most of 2017. And he mentioned I should care more about it - not for aesthetic reasons but usually because breakouts like mine mean something isn't right with my body. It could be a metabolism issue or something, who knows. He suggested going to a dermatologist. I reeeaallly don't want to. Which is too bad; I'll probably end up going. Thing is the face wash I use is helping, but it's not a topical issue. I'm pretty sure it's stress induced - which is never gonna go away - as well as hormonal. Except I don't want to try birth control. 'Cause money. And 'cause my period is SO regular and I know it super well and I don't want to mess with that. AAAAnnnddd 'cause I'm shallow and very scared of retaining water. Lol yay more weight fears. SO I am trying someting that I often hear works for people (despite the fact that I've changed diets SEVERAL times and my acne has not been noticeably affected): I am cutting dairy. Do you know how many things have milk, butter, or cheese? No cereal, pizza, yogurt, fro yo, ice cream, crema, cream cheese, butter, sandwiches with cheese, chocolate, milk shakes, frappes, etc etc etc. This is toughhhhh yo. In the words of my Little, "at least there's feta"
My dad paid for my driver's ed classes. He took me out to drive for about a year. He gave me his car. He paid for the title at the MVA. He paid the down payment for my insurance and is paying 2/3 of the monthly payments for the next year. He bought my a laptop and carrying case for the holidays. He bought me my ticket to El Salvador. He spoils me. He has always spoiled me. Never been a supportive, attentive, loving father or really a good, selfless person in general, but he has always given me nice things. I have no right to complain. Despite the fact that he did all the driving things, not because I asked for it or wanted it, but because HE wanted me to learn. He ignored my crippling anxiety and did not bother to understand any of my mental health problems. When I let him know I didn't want to drive, he just said I was weird and needed to get over it. So I put up with it. Because Lyft is expensive, the bus isn't reliable, I'm tired of being a burden, and I have places to get to. So driving is the only option. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick but I do it. And I'm supposed to be grateful to him for putting me in this situation because honestly I have it so much easier than most people. I legit feel like I'm not allowed to complain. And when I asked for the money to be put in my bank account so I could make a single payment, he agreed to it and told me not to pay yet because he wanted to see the booklet. Fine. Comes over on the 23rd, payment is due to 25th. He gets mad 'cause I should've told him it was on the 25th so we could do it sooner. Except I did? And so did the insurance agent the day we signed up?! But ok, he admits he forgot, not a big deal. So he starts making the payment from his account straight to the insurance. Which is not what we agreed and I had already told him what I wanted. I ask what he's doing, he shows me and says that I should do it, too. So of course I have an attitude and I'm upset - I feel ignored. He could've at least consulted with me if he didn't like my way of doing it. But he gets mad that I speak to him disrespectfully because he's trying to help me. And he's right. He's doing me a favor. So we do it his way and go through the bank. This is how it's going to be for the year. His way makes our payment a day late. Wouldn't have been the case if we did it my way, even with us waiting until the 23rd. But I can't complain. I can no longer complain.
I now work front desk at my office. In addition to everything else I did. If a front desk person is missing, I push all my work aside and help up front (even though I don't feel like much help). If a nurse is missing, Heidi (one of the front desk girls) fills in and I fill in for her, pushing my work aside. If I am out for whatever reason, the vast majority of my work stays untouched. Usually, when something new comes up in our office, they give it to me to do. Of course they do - everyone else really and truly does not have the time or ability. It's why my job exists in the first place. I'm immensely overwhelmed. Going to El Salvador put me so far behind on my work. And now, twice, I've had to fill in for front desk since my trip. I. Am So. Behind. I don't feel like I'll catch up ever. They won't hire anyone else. I don't know how to reach out to my boss and tell him I'm drowning. I don't think he'll understand. I might get fired. Which I wouldn't mind so much if literally anyone else had reached back out to me after I submitted applications.
Nestor has been fun but he's temporary.
I haven't heard from Jonathan since November. He's MIA again. Normal honestly. And I'm not surprised he missed my birthday. But he's never missed Christmas before. I got worried. I reached out to Miles who says he's fine. I mean, what does Miles know, but at least on the surface everything is okay. If it's deeper than that I understand he needs his time. I just miss him. And hate that I've gotten zero word. He deleted facebook, hasn't responded to texts or calls, and hasn't even opened any snaps I sent (usually he leaves them read, but unopened for two months is new). I hate overreacting. But I also hate waiting for responses. I thought about dropping his Christmas present off at his house unannounced, but then I thought I should probably not do what his crazy ex girlfriend did. So. No contact. Guess I'll just wait and hope that he hasn't once again decided to cut me out of his life.
I haven't talked to you or your sister since I left Canada. Not really. Not that we all were super in contact before but it was something. Every now and again. A letter. A chat on messenger about whatever show we were watching. Something. I love the little snaps, and I love the Christmas card, and I love that you acknowledged my birthday post. But that's it. And I miss my best friend fiercely. I need a conversation. Your sister asked me back in September to deliver meds to your grandmother's house - that's it. No other anything since then. No birthday message, or thank you for my birthday message, truly no contact. I just assumed neither of you really check facebook messages anymore, or whatsapp. I don't know if you guys watch my videos anymore. I'm really truly genuinely hoping that's just my own anxiety and insecurity.
Seeing family was wonderful. Exhausting and kind of stressful, but wonderful. WOW did the roads in this country give me massive anxiety. So steep. So narrow. So windy. Mountainous. And NOBODY shows any courtesy. But it's okay. The country is beautiful. Growing and adapting and expanding rapidly. It's vibrant and full of color and music and life. But it never loses it's old charm. A lot is going on, a lot of changing, not all for the best. But what country is free of politics nowadays, right? It was good to feel so at home and so welcome. Not so great to have everyone talk about my weight? All good things. Everyone mentioned how pretty an skinny I was. Except for I've been thinner and also I'd like to not have those two words be synonymous and I know I haven't grown but is that really all anyone can say? And they joke about "don't overfeed her while she's here, don't make her gain weight" as if gaining weight would be the end of the world. Please don't do that, I'm trying so hard not to care about that and just enjoy my vacation. And also, if you're gonna make that joke, then maybe stop feeding me so much? I know it's like Latino family rule to overfeed all guests but you literally just told all my other relatives not to do that soo... I dunno. Not a great feeling.
My uncle, who is a doctor and IN NO WAY meant to offend me, started talking to me about my acne. It's gotten bad, has been for most of 2017. And he mentioned I should care more about it - not for aesthetic reasons but usually because breakouts like mine mean something isn't right with my body. It could be a metabolism issue or something, who knows. He suggested going to a dermatologist. I reeeaallly don't want to. Which is too bad; I'll probably end up going. Thing is the face wash I use is helping, but it's not a topical issue. I'm pretty sure it's stress induced - which is never gonna go away - as well as hormonal. Except I don't want to try birth control. 'Cause money. And 'cause my period is SO regular and I know it super well and I don't want to mess with that. AAAAnnnddd 'cause I'm shallow and very scared of retaining water. Lol yay more weight fears. SO I am trying someting that I often hear works for people (despite the fact that I've changed diets SEVERAL times and my acne has not been noticeably affected): I am cutting dairy. Do you know how many things have milk, butter, or cheese? No cereal, pizza, yogurt, fro yo, ice cream, crema, cream cheese, butter, sandwiches with cheese, chocolate, milk shakes, frappes, etc etc etc. This is toughhhhh yo. In the words of my Little, "at least there's feta"
My dad paid for my driver's ed classes. He took me out to drive for about a year. He gave me his car. He paid for the title at the MVA. He paid the down payment for my insurance and is paying 2/3 of the monthly payments for the next year. He bought my a laptop and carrying case for the holidays. He bought me my ticket to El Salvador. He spoils me. He has always spoiled me. Never been a supportive, attentive, loving father or really a good, selfless person in general, but he has always given me nice things. I have no right to complain. Despite the fact that he did all the driving things, not because I asked for it or wanted it, but because HE wanted me to learn. He ignored my crippling anxiety and did not bother to understand any of my mental health problems. When I let him know I didn't want to drive, he just said I was weird and needed to get over it. So I put up with it. Because Lyft is expensive, the bus isn't reliable, I'm tired of being a burden, and I have places to get to. So driving is the only option. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick but I do it. And I'm supposed to be grateful to him for putting me in this situation because honestly I have it so much easier than most people. I legit feel like I'm not allowed to complain. And when I asked for the money to be put in my bank account so I could make a single payment, he agreed to it and told me not to pay yet because he wanted to see the booklet. Fine. Comes over on the 23rd, payment is due to 25th. He gets mad 'cause I should've told him it was on the 25th so we could do it sooner. Except I did? And so did the insurance agent the day we signed up?! But ok, he admits he forgot, not a big deal. So he starts making the payment from his account straight to the insurance. Which is not what we agreed and I had already told him what I wanted. I ask what he's doing, he shows me and says that I should do it, too. So of course I have an attitude and I'm upset - I feel ignored. He could've at least consulted with me if he didn't like my way of doing it. But he gets mad that I speak to him disrespectfully because he's trying to help me. And he's right. He's doing me a favor. So we do it his way and go through the bank. This is how it's going to be for the year. His way makes our payment a day late. Wouldn't have been the case if we did it my way, even with us waiting until the 23rd. But I can't complain. I can no longer complain.
I now work front desk at my office. In addition to everything else I did. If a front desk person is missing, I push all my work aside and help up front (even though I don't feel like much help). If a nurse is missing, Heidi (one of the front desk girls) fills in and I fill in for her, pushing my work aside. If I am out for whatever reason, the vast majority of my work stays untouched. Usually, when something new comes up in our office, they give it to me to do. Of course they do - everyone else really and truly does not have the time or ability. It's why my job exists in the first place. I'm immensely overwhelmed. Going to El Salvador put me so far behind on my work. And now, twice, I've had to fill in for front desk since my trip. I. Am So. Behind. I don't feel like I'll catch up ever. They won't hire anyone else. I don't know how to reach out to my boss and tell him I'm drowning. I don't think he'll understand. I might get fired. Which I wouldn't mind so much if literally anyone else had reached back out to me after I submitted applications.
Nestor has been fun but he's temporary.
I haven't heard from Jonathan since November. He's MIA again. Normal honestly. And I'm not surprised he missed my birthday. But he's never missed Christmas before. I got worried. I reached out to Miles who says he's fine. I mean, what does Miles know, but at least on the surface everything is okay. If it's deeper than that I understand he needs his time. I just miss him. And hate that I've gotten zero word. He deleted facebook, hasn't responded to texts or calls, and hasn't even opened any snaps I sent (usually he leaves them read, but unopened for two months is new). I hate overreacting. But I also hate waiting for responses. I thought about dropping his Christmas present off at his house unannounced, but then I thought I should probably not do what his crazy ex girlfriend did. So. No contact. Guess I'll just wait and hope that he hasn't once again decided to cut me out of his life.
I haven't talked to you or your sister since I left Canada. Not really. Not that we all were super in contact before but it was something. Every now and again. A letter. A chat on messenger about whatever show we were watching. Something. I love the little snaps, and I love the Christmas card, and I love that you acknowledged my birthday post. But that's it. And I miss my best friend fiercely. I need a conversation. Your sister asked me back in September to deliver meds to your grandmother's house - that's it. No other anything since then. No birthday message, or thank you for my birthday message, truly no contact. I just assumed neither of you really check facebook messages anymore, or whatsapp. I don't know if you guys watch my videos anymore. I'm really truly genuinely hoping that's just my own anxiety and insecurity.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Stream of Conciousness
Ironic that he left because he thought he'd come between me and my faith, but being with him I finally felt safe to be honest about my devotion. I haven't been as close to God as I was then, not since the breakup. Ironic. If this was a test, I've failed it.
It's not even loneliness, 'cause I don't feel like I need a boyfriend. But part of me wants to be needed. And I'm not. 'Cause everyone's moving on and doing just fine. And good. Finally. I don't have to worry about leading him on anymore, he can go focus on someone else now. But he doesn't need me. No one really does that way. Even physically. 'Cause the two people who are fine hooking up with me have plenty of other options, too. I just make it easy for them. I'm out of "hood rats" so to speak.
I wonder if she's petty on purpose. I do not know what I did to her but I would love to know. Or if she doesn't care about me at all and this is just her personality, I'd like to know that, too. It might humble me a bit. Maybe even help me obsess a little less.
I'm exhausted. So I feel numb. But now I'm tired of being numb. I just don't have enough motivation to change anything.
Someone get me out of this job. But like. Don't fire me. Please give me a better job. Please let me find something that fills me. I want to leave but I'm not prepared to be unemployed.
I almost don't want to keep this channel up anymore.
My greatest joy now is seeing RWBY succeed. Every time I see a new announcement, a new poster, a new event, anything that reminds me of how massive it's gotten globally and just how loved it is, I think of Monty. I wish there was some way for him to know what he created and that all of this happened because of him. I wish I could love what I did as much as Monty did. He's an inspiration.
It's not even loneliness, 'cause I don't feel like I need a boyfriend. But part of me wants to be needed. And I'm not. 'Cause everyone's moving on and doing just fine. And good. Finally. I don't have to worry about leading him on anymore, he can go focus on someone else now. But he doesn't need me. No one really does that way. Even physically. 'Cause the two people who are fine hooking up with me have plenty of other options, too. I just make it easy for them. I'm out of "hood rats" so to speak.
I wonder if she's petty on purpose. I do not know what I did to her but I would love to know. Or if she doesn't care about me at all and this is just her personality, I'd like to know that, too. It might humble me a bit. Maybe even help me obsess a little less.
I'm exhausted. So I feel numb. But now I'm tired of being numb. I just don't have enough motivation to change anything.
Someone get me out of this job. But like. Don't fire me. Please give me a better job. Please let me find something that fills me. I want to leave but I'm not prepared to be unemployed.
I almost don't want to keep this channel up anymore.
My greatest joy now is seeing RWBY succeed. Every time I see a new announcement, a new poster, a new event, anything that reminds me of how massive it's gotten globally and just how loved it is, I think of Monty. I wish there was some way for him to know what he created and that all of this happened because of him. I wish I could love what I did as much as Monty did. He's an inspiration.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Ruined
I used to hear a lot about couples who, after the breakup, couldn't go back to certain restaurants or parks or whatever because it would remind them of their ex. I got it but I never got it. I didn't have that. Anywhere I went was special to me and who I am, and anyone who came with me was just a happy memory, but it didn't define the place for me.
Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.
Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.
McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.
Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.
At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?
Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.
Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.
McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.
Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.
At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Thoughts on the Night of May 20th
I think Tell Me How is really just a relatable song for every break up ever? Like when I hear Happier by Ed Sheeran I think "this is ME. This is MY situation." But Tell Me How is basically just how most people feel after the end of a relationship. However, it resonates with me because it DOESN'T apply to any of my relationships, except for the one with Nick. That's EXACTLY how I feel about him, and since all my other exes either stayed friends with me or allowed me the proper closure, I don't have that feeling of not knowing what to do or what crosses a line or whatever. That song hits extra hard for me.
My babies have graduated. Goodbye class of 2017. I feel heavy. Goodbyes are always hard. I can't believe there's so many people I won't see anymore. Again, I can't believe I won't see Nick. I didn't get to hug him or say goodbye. All I did was see other people's pictures of him and Hannah before she went off to Germany for six weeks. She's used to long distance and he isn't very social anyway. They'll be fine. And now that there's no opportunity for me to say hello in person, I guarantee he will stop reaching out. This is it. This is the final goodbye. I no longer know or speak to Nicholas Druyor. It feels so screwed. Like, our goodbye wasn't even a goodbye. But at this point trying to even start a conversation is unhealthy. So that's it. Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me. Byee.
Everything, Everything is such a good movie. Like wow it hurt though. Health is complex. Human interaction is complex. I loved the cast and I loved the directing, BOY did I love the directing. It was a cute story. Not too long. I ate up all the cheesy bits. Homeboy was kinda perfect, not conventionally attractive but still something about him was so appealing. And he was saying all the right things. And these conversations felt so natural and so warm and loving and it was so great to watch. And as Xabiel sat next to me, cuddling me, I realized this is what I want and Xabiel will never be able to give me this in a million years. So you can see how well that date ended. I thought of Michael a lot. Cause on the surface, he and I are kinda like that. But even then, Michael doesn't give me the deepest level connection. So I had a wishy washy date with his arm around me and a boy who adores me and talks to me like we're together on the phone and neither of them cut it.
Jonathan flirted with me for a bit a week or so ago. But he's still with his girlfriend, even if he doesn't really like her, and he wants to make it work. SO he's kinda gone MIA again. Glad I could be a temporary distraction. Whatever. I already said I'm not going back there.
I talked to Ethan on tumblr. Like we had a legit conversation. About nonsense and catching up. First time in years. And it was the most effing casual thing in the world. No romantic feelings. No overthinking. None of that bull. It was nice. He said goodbye and he missed talking to me. Nothing will come of it, thankfully. But for a moment I was able to completely forget the rest of my BS.
Jim Dyson asked to hang out sometime. So did Jason Hernandez. I get the feeling neither of those are romantically inclined, which. Thank the Lord. Same with Storm. Jason Guerrero I have no idea, he confuses me and I want nothing involved and truth is we have nothing in common. But he's a friend. And then there's my director Jake who apparently has a crush on me, like super on the DL? But he's not trying anything which is a-okay with me. I'm exhausted. I'm actually so tired of caring about all this. Like. No wonder I'm not with anyone. It won't happen while I care about it. And caring about it is so tiring.
One day I'll stop missing Nick and I'll stop acting like Michael is my boyfriend and I'll stop playing Xabiel and I'll stop looking for a partner in everyone I cross. But it ain't today. And knowing me it won't be tomorrow.
My babies have graduated. Goodbye class of 2017. I feel heavy. Goodbyes are always hard. I can't believe there's so many people I won't see anymore. Again, I can't believe I won't see Nick. I didn't get to hug him or say goodbye. All I did was see other people's pictures of him and Hannah before she went off to Germany for six weeks. She's used to long distance and he isn't very social anyway. They'll be fine. And now that there's no opportunity for me to say hello in person, I guarantee he will stop reaching out. This is it. This is the final goodbye. I no longer know or speak to Nicholas Druyor. It feels so screwed. Like, our goodbye wasn't even a goodbye. But at this point trying to even start a conversation is unhealthy. So that's it. Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me. Byee.
Everything, Everything is such a good movie. Like wow it hurt though. Health is complex. Human interaction is complex. I loved the cast and I loved the directing, BOY did I love the directing. It was a cute story. Not too long. I ate up all the cheesy bits. Homeboy was kinda perfect, not conventionally attractive but still something about him was so appealing. And he was saying all the right things. And these conversations felt so natural and so warm and loving and it was so great to watch. And as Xabiel sat next to me, cuddling me, I realized this is what I want and Xabiel will never be able to give me this in a million years. So you can see how well that date ended. I thought of Michael a lot. Cause on the surface, he and I are kinda like that. But even then, Michael doesn't give me the deepest level connection. So I had a wishy washy date with his arm around me and a boy who adores me and talks to me like we're together on the phone and neither of them cut it.
Jonathan flirted with me for a bit a week or so ago. But he's still with his girlfriend, even if he doesn't really like her, and he wants to make it work. SO he's kinda gone MIA again. Glad I could be a temporary distraction. Whatever. I already said I'm not going back there.
I talked to Ethan on tumblr. Like we had a legit conversation. About nonsense and catching up. First time in years. And it was the most effing casual thing in the world. No romantic feelings. No overthinking. None of that bull. It was nice. He said goodbye and he missed talking to me. Nothing will come of it, thankfully. But for a moment I was able to completely forget the rest of my BS.
Jim Dyson asked to hang out sometime. So did Jason Hernandez. I get the feeling neither of those are romantically inclined, which. Thank the Lord. Same with Storm. Jason Guerrero I have no idea, he confuses me and I want nothing involved and truth is we have nothing in common. But he's a friend. And then there's my director Jake who apparently has a crush on me, like super on the DL? But he's not trying anything which is a-okay with me. I'm exhausted. I'm actually so tired of caring about all this. Like. No wonder I'm not with anyone. It won't happen while I care about it. And caring about it is so tiring.
One day I'll stop missing Nick and I'll stop acting like Michael is my boyfriend and I'll stop playing Xabiel and I'll stop looking for a partner in everyone I cross. But it ain't today. And knowing me it won't be tomorrow.
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