A Mass Whine Post

Michael and I stopped talking. I don't necessarily want to say why on here. I have his permission, but I still don't feel the need to bash him. He did something heinous but it's not my job or my desire to turn everyone against him. I just can't talk to him anymore. I'm not even mad. I'm just disgusted. I don't want someone like him in my life. I don't feel like I can trust him. It's a crappy situation but it feels like the best choice. I'm not sure how long it will be that way. I feel a little extra odd 'cause I try so hard to be a positive person, and I KNOW that Michael was my outlet to vent. I told him all the crap stuff going on in my life because he let me. And now I don't really have anywhere to let go of things.


Seeing family was wonderful. Exhausting and kind of stressful, but wonderful. WOW did the roads in this country give me massive anxiety. So steep. So narrow. So windy. Mountainous. And NOBODY shows any courtesy. But it's okay. The country is beautiful. Growing and adapting and expanding rapidly. It's vibrant and full of color and music and life. But it never loses it's old charm. A lot is going on, a lot of changing, not all for the best. But what country is free of politics nowadays, right? It was good to feel so at home and so welcome. Not so great to have everyone talk about my weight? All good things. Everyone mentioned how pretty an skinny I was. Except for I've been thinner and also I'd like to not have those two words be synonymous and I know I haven't grown but is that really all anyone can say? And they joke about "don't overfeed her while she's here, don't make her gain weight" as if gaining weight would be the end of the world. Please don't do that, I'm trying so hard not to care about that and just enjoy my vacation. And also, if you're gonna make that joke, then maybe stop feeding me so much? I know it's like Latino family rule to overfeed all guests but you literally just told all my other relatives not to do that soo... I dunno. Not a great feeling.

My uncle, who is a doctor and IN NO WAY meant to offend me, started talking to me about my acne. It's gotten bad, has been for most of 2017. And he mentioned I should care more about it - not for aesthetic reasons but usually because breakouts like mine mean something isn't right with my body. It could be a metabolism issue or something, who knows. He suggested going to a dermatologist. I reeeaallly don't want to. Which is too bad; I'll probably end up going. Thing is the face wash I use is helping, but it's not a topical issue. I'm pretty sure it's stress induced - which is never gonna go away - as well as hormonal. Except I don't want to try birth control. 'Cause money. And 'cause my period is SO regular and I know it super well and I don't want to mess with that. AAAAnnnddd 'cause I'm shallow and very scared of retaining water. Lol yay more weight fears. SO I am trying someting that I often hear works for people (despite the fact that I've changed diets SEVERAL times and my acne has not been noticeably affected): I am cutting dairy. Do you know how many things have milk, butter, or cheese? No cereal, pizza, yogurt, fro yo, ice cream, crema, cream cheese, butter, sandwiches with cheese, chocolate, milk shakes, frappes, etc etc etc. This is toughhhhh yo. In the words of my Little, "at least there's feta"

My dad paid for my driver's ed classes. He took me out to drive for about a year. He gave me his car. He paid for the title at the MVA. He paid the down payment for my insurance and is paying 2/3 of the monthly payments for the next year. He bought my a laptop and carrying case for the holidays. He bought me my ticket to El Salvador. He spoils me. He has always spoiled me. Never been a supportive, attentive, loving father or really a good, selfless person in general, but he has always given me nice things. I have no right to complain. Despite the fact that he did all the driving things, not because I asked for it or wanted it, but because HE wanted me to learn. He ignored my crippling anxiety and did not bother to understand any of my mental health problems. When I let him know I didn't want to drive, he just said I was weird and needed to get over it. So I put up with it. Because Lyft is expensive, the bus isn't reliable, I'm tired of being a burden, and I have places to get to. So driving is the only option. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick but I do it. And I'm supposed to be grateful to him for putting me in this situation because honestly I have it so much easier than most people. I legit feel like I'm not allowed to complain. And when I asked for the money to be put in my bank account so I could make a single payment, he agreed to it and told me not to pay yet because he wanted to see the booklet. Fine. Comes over on the 23rd, payment is due to 25th. He gets mad 'cause I should've told him it was on the 25th so we could do it sooner. Except I did? And so did the insurance agent the day we signed up?! But ok, he admits he forgot, not a big deal. So he starts making the payment from his account straight to the insurance. Which is not what we agreed and I had already told him what I wanted. I ask what he's doing, he shows me and says that I should do it, too. So of course I have an attitude and I'm upset - I feel ignored. He could've at least consulted with me if he didn't like my way of doing it. But he gets mad that I speak to him disrespectfully because he's trying to help me. And he's right. He's doing me a favor. So we do it his way and go through the bank. This is how it's going to be for the year. His way makes our payment a day late. Wouldn't have been the case if we did it my way, even with us waiting until the 23rd. But I can't complain. I can no longer complain.

I now work front desk at my office. In addition to everything else I did. If a front desk person is missing, I push all my work aside and help up front (even though I don't feel like much help). If a nurse is missing, Heidi (one of the front desk girls) fills in and I fill in for her, pushing my work aside. If I am out for whatever reason, the vast majority of my work stays untouched. Usually, when something new comes up in our office, they give it to me to do. Of course they do - everyone else really and truly does not have the time or ability. It's why my job exists in the first place. I'm immensely overwhelmed. Going to El Salvador put me so far behind on my work. And now, twice, I've had to fill in for front desk since my trip. I. Am So. Behind. I don't feel like I'll catch up ever. They won't hire anyone else. I don't know how to reach out to my boss and tell him I'm drowning. I don't think he'll understand. I might get fired. Which I wouldn't mind so much if literally anyone else had reached back out to me after I submitted applications.

Nestor has been fun but he's temporary.

I haven't heard from Jonathan since November. He's MIA again. Normal honestly. And I'm not surprised he missed my birthday. But he's never missed Christmas before. I got worried. I reached out to Miles who says he's fine. I mean, what does Miles know, but at least on the surface everything is okay. If it's deeper than that I understand he needs his time. I just miss him. And hate that I've gotten zero word. He deleted facebook, hasn't responded to texts or calls, and hasn't even opened any snaps I sent (usually he leaves them read, but unopened for two months is new). I hate overreacting. But I also hate waiting for responses. I thought about dropping his Christmas present off at his house unannounced, but then I thought I should probably not do what his crazy ex girlfriend did. So. No contact. Guess I'll just wait and hope that he hasn't once again decided to cut me out of his life.

I haven't talked to you or your sister since I left Canada. Not really. Not that we all were super in contact before but it was something. Every now and again. A letter. A chat on messenger about whatever show we were watching. Something. I love the little snaps, and I love the Christmas card, and I love that you acknowledged my birthday post. But that's it. And I miss my best friend fiercely. I need a conversation. Your sister asked me back in September to deliver meds to your grandmother's house - that's it. No other anything since then. No birthday message, or thank you for my birthday message, truly no contact. I just assumed neither of you really check facebook messages anymore, or whatsapp. I don't know if you guys watch my videos anymore. I'm really truly genuinely hoping that's just my own anxiety and insecurity.