Thoughts on the Night of May 20th

I think Tell Me How is really just a relatable song for every break up ever? Like when I hear Happier by Ed Sheeran I think "this is ME. This is MY situation." But Tell Me How is basically just how most people feel after the end of a relationship. However, it resonates with me because it DOESN'T apply to any of my relationships, except for the one with Nick. That's EXACTLY how I feel about him, and since all my other exes either stayed friends with me or allowed me the proper closure, I don't have that feeling of not knowing what to do or what crosses a line or whatever. That song hits extra hard for me.

My babies have graduated. Goodbye class of 2017. I feel heavy. Goodbyes are always hard. I can't believe there's so many people I won't see anymore. Again, I can't believe I won't see Nick. I didn't get to hug him or say goodbye. All I did was see other people's pictures of him and Hannah before she went off to Germany for six weeks. She's used to long distance and he isn't very social anyway. They'll be fine. And now that there's no opportunity for me to say hello in person, I guarantee he will stop reaching out. This is it. This is the final goodbye. I no longer know or speak to Nicholas Druyor. It feels so screwed. Like, our goodbye wasn't even a goodbye. But at this point trying to even start a conversation is unhealthy. So that's it. Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me. Byee.

Everything, Everything is such a good movie. Like wow it hurt though. Health is complex. Human interaction is complex. I loved the cast and I loved the directing, BOY did I love the directing. It was a cute story. Not too long. I ate up all the cheesy bits. Homeboy was kinda perfect, not conventionally attractive but still something about him was so appealing. And he was saying all the right things. And these conversations felt so natural and so warm and loving and it was so great to watch. And as Xabiel sat next to me, cuddling me, I realized this is what I want and Xabiel will never be able to give me this in a million years. So you can see how well that date ended. I thought of Michael a lot. Cause on the surface, he and I are kinda like that. But even then, Michael doesn't give me the deepest level connection. So I had a wishy washy date with his arm around me and a boy who adores me and talks to me like we're together on the phone and neither of them cut it.

Jonathan flirted with me for a bit a week or so ago. But he's still with his girlfriend, even if he doesn't really like her, and he wants to make it work. SO he's kinda gone MIA again. Glad I could be a temporary distraction. Whatever. I already said I'm not going back there.

I talked to Ethan on tumblr. Like we had a legit conversation. About nonsense and catching up. First time in years. And it was the most effing casual thing in the world. No romantic feelings. No overthinking. None of that bull. It was nice. He said goodbye and he missed talking to me. Nothing will come of it, thankfully. But for a moment I was able to completely forget the rest of my BS.

Jim Dyson asked to hang out sometime. So did Jason Hernandez. I get the feeling neither of those are romantically inclined, which. Thank the Lord. Same with Storm. Jason Guerrero I have no idea, he confuses me and I want nothing involved and truth is we have nothing in common. But he's a friend. And then there's my director Jake who apparently has a crush on me, like super on the DL? But he's not trying anything which is a-okay with me. I'm exhausted. I'm actually so tired of caring about all this. Like. No wonder I'm not with anyone. It won't happen while I care about it. And caring about it is so tiring.

One day I'll stop missing Nick and I'll stop acting like Michael is my boyfriend and I'll stop playing Xabiel and I'll stop looking for a partner in everyone I cross. But it ain't today. And knowing me it won't be tomorrow.