- Daddy stays quiet
- No more asking for rides/inconveniencing anyone
- Easier to search for jobs/work in more places
- Less scheduling conflicts
- Finally able to attend Covenant Life Church permanently
- Able to drive to Canada
- Able to drive myself to New Jersey for Emily's wedding (hopefully 2017!)
- Able to pick Mandy up in the summer so we can both attend Covenant Life Church
- Can drive the niece and nephew around for fun times
Monday, September 26, 2016
Motivations for Driving
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Guaranteed Constants
Things that are guaranteed to happen for the rest of my life:
- People will keep saying the word "retarded"
- People will keep cursing around me
- People will keep saying the b word, not realizing how misogynistic it is, women included
- People will keep using the n word, pretending it isn't racist in certain contexts
- People will keep making rape/date rape jokes
- People will keep joking about very delicate subjects in harmful ways
- I will continue to be upset and bothered by all the aforementioned things
- I will continue to voice my dislike of the aforementioned things
- I will continue to explain, as calmly and logically as I can, why it isn't okay
- People will still make excuses for their behavior
- People will still say everyone gets offended too easily
- People will still call me a social justice warrior or PC police
- People will still go on and on about how words shouldn't be given power, despite words being one of mankind's most powerful tools
- I will always be exhausted by this subject
- I will always be upset, regardless of all excuses, name calling, and "freedom of speech" rants
- I will always speak up about it, fully aware of the fact that it may change nothing and even annoy people, in the hopes that someday one person will listen and get it
Sunday, August 28, 2016
More Memory Tears
We talked about seeing each other at Choices. How no one would even know we were together so it would shock everyone. We both hate PDA, but we said we'd have a long, intense kiss in front of everyone, and that's how we'd let them know. We joked about how everyone would react.
I don't know why some part of me still hoped it would happen. How on earth I thought it maybe still had a chance. I wondered if he'd kiss me at all. It's all I wanted to do up in that light booth. I could've stared at him working forever, with his silly commentary and his goofy smile and his stupid bright eyes. Seriously. He's far more handsome than I allowed myself to remember, and all I wanted was for him to finish working, grab me, and pull me into him. But it never happened. As I should've expected. And eventually, I'll be okay with that and maybe even grateful. But for right now, I'm just hurting and miserable. I am aching for his affection. Specifically his. It's not loneliness. It's desperation for one specific person to be just as desperate for me.
I can hold a good conversation with him. I'm so grateful that it doesn't feel weird and he doesn't ignore me and I can keep up a conversation with him. I don't want to just have conversations with him. I don't want to go back to the past year where we barely interacted. I don't want to be civil and enjoy a friendly interaction whenever I see him, as rare as that already is. I want those Senior Week nights back. I want Skype calls where we both stay on too late. I want trips in his truck and his voice on the phone and his arms holding me close. I want to scream and cry and collapse because none of that will ever be real again. I feel so empty. And tomorrow, we go back to our normal lives, and my normal life is no longer the joy and comfort that McDaniel gave me, and I can no longer deny this reality. The world goes on, and it is not going to wait for Nick and I to get back together. We have to keep moving with it.
I don't know why some part of me still hoped it would happen. How on earth I thought it maybe still had a chance. I wondered if he'd kiss me at all. It's all I wanted to do up in that light booth. I could've stared at him working forever, with his silly commentary and his goofy smile and his stupid bright eyes. Seriously. He's far more handsome than I allowed myself to remember, and all I wanted was for him to finish working, grab me, and pull me into him. But it never happened. As I should've expected. And eventually, I'll be okay with that and maybe even grateful. But for right now, I'm just hurting and miserable. I am aching for his affection. Specifically his. It's not loneliness. It's desperation for one specific person to be just as desperate for me.
I can hold a good conversation with him. I'm so grateful that it doesn't feel weird and he doesn't ignore me and I can keep up a conversation with him. I don't want to just have conversations with him. I don't want to go back to the past year where we barely interacted. I don't want to be civil and enjoy a friendly interaction whenever I see him, as rare as that already is. I want those Senior Week nights back. I want Skype calls where we both stay on too late. I want trips in his truck and his voice on the phone and his arms holding me close. I want to scream and cry and collapse because none of that will ever be real again. I feel so empty. And tomorrow, we go back to our normal lives, and my normal life is no longer the joy and comfort that McDaniel gave me, and I can no longer deny this reality. The world goes on, and it is not going to wait for Nick and I to get back together. We have to keep moving with it.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
About That
"I was once with a guy who was super introverted, socially quiet, very serious and respectful. He's always so polite and reserved. Like he's not out there at all. But sexually? He's... I don't know how to phrase it... He's in control. He's not dominating. Like he won't tell you what to do or take a dom position. But he doesn't have to. He just gets what he wants. He puts you exactly where he wants you. Strong enough to pull you and place you and all of it. You won't even know what happened. It takes a good five minutes before you can tell him to stop because you didn't even realize when something happened!"
"Okay it sounds kinda weird, but it sounds like my brother would be like that, you know?"
Girl, I am TALKING about your brother.
"Okay it sounds kinda weird, but it sounds like my brother would be like that, you know?"
Girl, I am TALKING about your brother.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Happy Memory Tears
I want to write them down. I don't want them to expire or fade away ever. Even if they make me cry.
The night that I was in his room for the first time, he took a while to actually hold me. But he finally did. And the feeling of his hand running up and down my skin was electrifying. It was so simple but it reached my whole body. And I wondered if he would ever kiss me. I'm glad he let us finish the movie first. I'm glad he joked with me about me pushing him off the bed. It was funny how he struggled with my clothes. And how whenever I looked away from him, the TV screen gave me all sorts of emotions. I had plans that evening and other people to see. But I never wanted to leave that room.
Wednesday night, we stayed up til around 4. And just kissed on the couch. I wore nothing but his shirt. I'm obsessed with that shirt. It was the first time he complimented my eyes. He also told me about how I looked so good in my dress at formal that I put him in a corner. I might not ever believe those words fully but I'll replay them a million times.
Thursday, we were in the living room. Torreke and Jonathan joked about whatever. I don't remember. I just remember the occasional kisses on the top of my head. And how inviting they felt. How sweet they were. I remember Mariah smiling in the background.
On my couch at home, he told me what our first time would be like. I played with the idea of him being my first and my only. "You have the best bedroom eyes I've ever seen".
"You are the most vocal person I've ever been with and I love it."
On the day of graduation, the last time I saw him was while getting ready. And it was our last goodbye. He complimented my dress. And he told me he was so so proud of me.
I was scrambling to pack after graduation. And I was stressed and sad and hurting and I didn't ever want to leave McDaniel. Nor did I want to spend forever packing when my family was waiting for me. But wearing his shirt kept me sane. I sent him a picture in the car to keep myself from crying. And it apparently kept him sane, too.
"Because you're a giant nerd. And what do we say about nerds? Nerds. Are. Hot."
Back home, on my bed, we said we loved each other for the first time.
He also said my cami and no pants was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.
He would compliment my legs. My butt, a lot. My eyes. My smile. He always called me beautiful. And when I told him I didn't see what he saw, he said he'd remind me every day until I did. And he kept that promise the whole way through.
He got into the tiniest accident. It put a damper on his mood the whole day. When we sat at lunch, he was obviously overwhelmed about it and he was mad at himself. I grabbed his hands and I told him I loved him. His eyes softened up immediately.
He told a story about his cousin swearing his hat was in his cousin's car. He knew it was in his own and he told his cousin, "my girl even put it on". I loved being called "my girl".
Upon telling him the lame, nerdy reasons behind naming my SmartTrip cards, he said "I need you here right now".
"How did I get so lucky?"
His answers to my work problems somehow always included fire.
He said he used to stare at me during meetings. I didn't catch him once.
When he walked into the greenroom once, I sprawled across the couch and told him to love me. Apparently some of my shirt lifted and he saw skin and freaked out, thinking if he hugged me, he'd be too inappropriate and what was the right angle to hug if she's sorta lying down and is this too long? This is too long.
We passed each other on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays as he was leaving class and I was starting my day. Sometimes he wouldn't say hi back. He told me he'd so look forward just to seeing me for those two seconds. It was two. Seconds.
"It's the way you look at me. It's not fair."
The night that I was in his room for the first time, he took a while to actually hold me. But he finally did. And the feeling of his hand running up and down my skin was electrifying. It was so simple but it reached my whole body. And I wondered if he would ever kiss me. I'm glad he let us finish the movie first. I'm glad he joked with me about me pushing him off the bed. It was funny how he struggled with my clothes. And how whenever I looked away from him, the TV screen gave me all sorts of emotions. I had plans that evening and other people to see. But I never wanted to leave that room.
Wednesday night, we stayed up til around 4. And just kissed on the couch. I wore nothing but his shirt. I'm obsessed with that shirt. It was the first time he complimented my eyes. He also told me about how I looked so good in my dress at formal that I put him in a corner. I might not ever believe those words fully but I'll replay them a million times.
Thursday, we were in the living room. Torreke and Jonathan joked about whatever. I don't remember. I just remember the occasional kisses on the top of my head. And how inviting they felt. How sweet they were. I remember Mariah smiling in the background.
On my couch at home, he told me what our first time would be like. I played with the idea of him being my first and my only. "You have the best bedroom eyes I've ever seen".
"You are the most vocal person I've ever been with and I love it."
On the day of graduation, the last time I saw him was while getting ready. And it was our last goodbye. He complimented my dress. And he told me he was so so proud of me.
I was scrambling to pack after graduation. And I was stressed and sad and hurting and I didn't ever want to leave McDaniel. Nor did I want to spend forever packing when my family was waiting for me. But wearing his shirt kept me sane. I sent him a picture in the car to keep myself from crying. And it apparently kept him sane, too.
"Because you're a giant nerd. And what do we say about nerds? Nerds. Are. Hot."
Back home, on my bed, we said we loved each other for the first time.
He also said my cami and no pants was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.
He would compliment my legs. My butt, a lot. My eyes. My smile. He always called me beautiful. And when I told him I didn't see what he saw, he said he'd remind me every day until I did. And he kept that promise the whole way through.
He got into the tiniest accident. It put a damper on his mood the whole day. When we sat at lunch, he was obviously overwhelmed about it and he was mad at himself. I grabbed his hands and I told him I loved him. His eyes softened up immediately.
He told a story about his cousin swearing his hat was in his cousin's car. He knew it was in his own and he told his cousin, "my girl even put it on". I loved being called "my girl".
Upon telling him the lame, nerdy reasons behind naming my SmartTrip cards, he said "I need you here right now".
"How did I get so lucky?"
His answers to my work problems somehow always included fire.
He said he used to stare at me during meetings. I didn't catch him once.
When he walked into the greenroom once, I sprawled across the couch and told him to love me. Apparently some of my shirt lifted and he saw skin and freaked out, thinking if he hugged me, he'd be too inappropriate and what was the right angle to hug if she's sorta lying down and is this too long? This is too long.
We passed each other on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays as he was leaving class and I was starting my day. Sometimes he wouldn't say hi back. He told me he'd so look forward just to seeing me for those two seconds. It was two. Seconds.
"It's the way you look at me. It's not fair."
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Yay Progress
I've passed Stage One of the breakup.
Where I'm sad ALL the time and spend every second of every day thinking about him and missing all the little things we had. Where I cry because I won't hold his hand in a car anymore or I go to bed not having Skyped him or I wonder if I'm ever going to get to watch all the things we said we would watch together, and if I do will I miss him the entire time? Where you look at old text messages and think about how good it used to be. Because it used to be SO. GOOD.
I am now at Stage Two.
Where life is lonely on your own. Where you realize HEY HE IS GONNA BE JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU. And you're not fine. You're afraid of the next time you see him because by now, maybe he will have moved on despite the fact that you clearly have not. Where all the old text messages are too old, so they're all deleted now. You can't read them and pretend anymore. This is your reality now. What's worse is you're sorta kinda used to it being the bleak and boring and redundant every single day.
Whee.
Where I'm sad ALL the time and spend every second of every day thinking about him and missing all the little things we had. Where I cry because I won't hold his hand in a car anymore or I go to bed not having Skyped him or I wonder if I'm ever going to get to watch all the things we said we would watch together, and if I do will I miss him the entire time? Where you look at old text messages and think about how good it used to be. Because it used to be SO. GOOD.
I am now at Stage Two.
Where life is lonely on your own. Where you realize HEY HE IS GONNA BE JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU. And you're not fine. You're afraid of the next time you see him because by now, maybe he will have moved on despite the fact that you clearly have not. Where all the old text messages are too old, so they're all deleted now. You can't read them and pretend anymore. This is your reality now. What's worse is you're sorta kinda used to it being the bleak and boring and redundant every single day.
Whee.
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