Confessions for the Youth Group

1. Sometimes. Every now and again. I think you're too trained. Like there's little personality and so much politeness. But honestly, you're fantastic. You're loving and funny and laid back and I admire so many things about you. You're a role model for me. You always do what's right and are so giving. You're always willing to listen and advise, and I can't thank you enough for that.

2. Darling, you can be a bit judgmental. It's kinda your mom's fault. But it's okay. You're so young. You have so much to learn. But you really are mature for your age and I cannot wait to see the lovely young lady you become. You're so honest and effing hilarious and I've truly enjoyed getting to know you.

3. I was a brat to you. I didn't like being talked about so I avoided you with passionate anger for most of our lives. That was wrong and I'm so sorry. Thanks for, mostly, being kind to me. I wish I'd gotten to know you better. There's lots of good in you, I know that. I hope this year brings more good. 'Cause some serious changes need to be made, I hope you know that. You NEED to be a lot more humble, respectful, and sincere. And some of your bad habits need to stop. You have someone to fight for, so fight for her. THE RIGHT WAY. But in all honesty, for some reason, I have total faith that you can do it.

4. I mean yeah I'm pretty dang jealous of you. 'Cause everyone, EVERYONE, loves you. And you're so pretty and talented and good with kids and so kind and smart. Geez you just walk in a room and the sun shines a little brighter. There's so much good in you, please see it. 'Cause something's not right, hon. There's a darkness in you and, as justified as it may be, it needs to go. You need to talk to someone. You need to seek help. And learn to take advice and criticism. Don't get mad at other people and don't get mad at yourself! Learn to take it, consider it, and use it to better yourself. Also, be an example. And I realize you think this kid is your miracle sent to give you everything you never had, but you can't rely on people like that. Don't become dependent. Realize that he's not the only one who is like that (trust and believe I've WATCHED your family try to connect to you like he does and they just feel so shut out), you just don't WANT anyone but his help 'cause you've romanticized it and that's not okay. I know I'm just a kid to you and this stuff does not matter coming from me but I say it because I love you and I want your star to get out of this lonely dark abyss and shine brighter than anyone ever has before.

5. How did you figure things out so young? Maybe your family just does a good job of painting the picture perfect family. I know you struggle. It's hard. But you got it figured out! I'm so impressed and amazed by you. Thank you for keeping me sane. Keep me updated. You're gonna do such amazing things, and you'll thank your parents and your church and your whole social network and we'll know that it was honestly all God and you. I want to keep you in my life always dear.

6. Frustrate is a good word. Because I do want to get to know you and I wish you acted like you wanted to get to know me. But that's my obsessive personality. And you're introverted so it just makes sense. But I'm glad we can enjoy each other's company. I'm so happy that we are friends, and I'm glad that, even if you don't tell anyone anything, I feel like I actually can talk to you about my life and you're willing to listen. Maybe I can't make you laugh but God knows I try. Honestly, if you weren't going through so much and I knew you had a clear mind, I would've asked you out myself long ago. But this friendship is pretty great. And I know for absolute fact you'll be okay. Son, you are one of the realest people I know. You got this. You're gonna figure it all out and blow everyone's mind with the awesome things you'll do. It'll take a while, maybe a few more years. But you and her and all of us are going to be just fine. It's gonna hurt. Day after day after day you are going to hurt. And then you won't. And it'll be glorious. Sidenote, dunno if you'll ever love anyone the way you loved her. So you may very well end up on your ownsome. But know that that's all on you. Don't ever say it's 'cause you're not good enough. You're a freaking catch. You realize we've almost all had a crush on you at one point, yes? Like, bro. BRO.

7. You are a great person. You make me smile. You're super kind. You're good with kids. You've got a lot going right, my friend. Now, I dunno if your life is where it should be. I'm scared because you may have strayed. But I think you know that. And I think you're getting your priorities in check. I'll keep praying for you. Because I don't want to fear for you. I want you right here with us for all time. It'll be great! I'm also really glad that you've found someone to look up to and be a leader to you. I hope it's of blessing to your life.

8. Babydoll. I do not know how to help you or how to fix what has been so broken. I can't begin. You do need the help. You do. And the longer you deny that, the worse off you'll be. And I do not agree with a lot of your choices. You worry me. But you need to take good care of yourself. You have people to look after now. And I know you will. I see it. You just need to realize you are worth SO MUCH. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS IMPORTANT. Seriously. You are actually so smart. You are crazy talented. You are innovative. You have some of the craziest stories. You're like this odd fountain of knowledge. You are young and learning, but that's okay! As long as you try to learn. Take things in. Don't let the world or ANYONE mold you. You'll find the right path, I know it. And once you find it, I will support you every step. Trust me, you mean loads to us, and you always will.

9. I don't have much to say. You're so young and I don't know you all that well. You're talkative. You're kinda oblivious sometimes. And you're so set in your ways for someone so young. But you're a good listener, a gentleman, talented, smart, friendly, and just pleasant to be around. I like the way you carry yourself. You're also a wonderful brother. Good job, kiddo.

10. You'll find your way. Please ignore what everyone is saying. Stay charming. Stay personal. Stay close and cuddly and affectionate. Stay driven. Stay romantic. But stay respectful. Learn boundaries. Converse and compromise. Emotions are beautiful and wonderful and meant to be shared, but extremes are such a dangerous thing. Learn to balance your feelings and life will follow. Don't apologize for love, but apologize when lines are crossed, feelings are hurt, or words are misunderstood. And remember that you are young and there's plenty of time for God to tell you which path to take. Just keep walking, look out for signs, adjust as necessary, and have faith. And take care of that family of yours.

11. To the three gentlemen who I have left out. My apologies, I do not know you too well. And that may be my own fault, I don't know. But I've enjoyed my time with you. I see a lot of good in you boys. Talent. Kindness. Willingness to learn. Drive. Seriously, I have no doubt you'll all surprise me with incredible things one day. Stay gold, guys. And know that, even if I don't know you so well, I'm always here and happy to be a friend to you.

I'm a Puppy

I'm just like a puppy and I need lots of attention and hugs. We can replace petting with cuddles. And sometimes I need you to play with me, like Mario Kart or something. And I need you to take me out for walks. And I need you to take care of me sometimes and make sure I'm doing okay. And then compliment me when I'm good. And give me all the attention in the world 'cause I give a whole lot of love, and I really really like getting love back.

It Don't Work

The fact that I cannot hold a conversation with this child because everything from our interests to our senses of humor are different and we both joke and neither one of us gets it or delivers the lines right and it's just a hot mess.

Tell Me How Much Sense This Makes

>Likes boy
>Kinda obsesses over boy
>Gets over boy
>Spends 3 days in cabin with boy

-___-

Drinking Martinis Again On A Monday

In love in need
In want in miss
I taste your bite
I taste your kiss
 
And I think back
The things you said
They make me mad
A bull to red

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis by myself
On a Sunday
Drinking Martinis again
On a Monday

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

I buy your brand
I smoke your brand
I count the what - ifs on one hand

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis alone
Sunday morning
Drinking Martinis again
Sunday evening

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

And I wonder where you are

The Part That Kills Me

I SEE IT ALL HAPPENING! I'm not oblivious to you're situation. I am actually quite aware. To be honest, I don't know all the details. Of course not, 'cause you've told me nothing. And it's not really my place to ask because you'll tell me whatever it is you want me to know and nothing more. And see usually that's fine and I respect that and I'm okay with it. But you VENT to a BLOG, as I do here. The difference is I always talk about it, I don't just post and keep it in. Because that gets no one nowhere. And, should someone come across this blog one day, I am MORE THAN WILLING to explain my thoughts on whatever the situation may be. You are not. Your life story is all on social media with convenient links to the source of your heart ache.

I get it. I can't help you. I'm more than willing to know and learn and be there for you. But you don't want me to be. Which I get. I've been there. Sometimes even our closest friends can't help or change anything (not that I'm a close friend, but I hope I'm at least a friend). Sometimes it really is just between you and that one other person and only that person can make it better or make a difference. When you complain about having no one, you don't actually mean you have no one. You mean you're parents are annoying, your friends try but they don't get it, and that one person just does not love you the way you love them. And anyone who DOES want to be there for you is honestly not who you want to talk to right now.

And I know that's where I'm at. I get it and I promise I'm not even mad! The part that AGGRAVATES me is that ALL I WANT TO DO IS GRAB YOU BY THE FACE AND TELL YOU THAT ITS ALL OKAY AND IT ALL GOES AWAY. BECAUSE THE MORE YOU VENT, THE MORE I SEE, AND THE MORE I REALIZE HOW FREAKING SIMILAR OUR STORIES REALLY ARE.

And I want so badly to tell you it gets better. That you, of ALL people, know God has a plan. And you have to trust it. Because sometimes two people who love each other aren't meant to be together. AND IT SUCKS! IT FREAKING SUCKS. Until it doesn't. Until that beautiful wonderful amazing moment where it doesn't suck anymore because you KNOW that this new path, as weird and confusing as it may be, is the right one. And after all that time it took you to reach this path, there's no way you'd ever go back to the old one. It took me SEVEN YEARS to find that path. If I'm not mistaken, you're just shy of that. IT'S A LONG JOURNEY, I KNOW. And you keep going back to the old one because oh man did it treat you right once upon a time. But it's possible. You said those words to me before. It's so so possible. You know what else is possible? Laughing at the old path. Looking back. Realizing how ridiculous it was. Seeing those wonderful beautiful memories on that old path with fondness and a bit of nostalgia. And then shrugging it off and pressing on.

And maybe you don't need to find a new path. Maybe you're a lucky one. In all honesty, I think you might be. I see a desire to change, to improve, to be better. That's what happens when people actually love each other. I don't know if it will work. Maybe you'll get that change and have a happy ending together. I believe in that and I hope it does happen. But if not, I know that you're both capable of your own happy endings. And I know you won't see this. And I know that even if you did, not a bit of it would help. Because you need to figure it out on your own. You need to get your own closure and fix these problems in a way only you can. And you will. You will.

Mantra

My name is Samantha Arana, and I am done chasing rabbits