Monday, November 20, 2017
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Stream of Conciousness
Ironic that he left because he thought he'd come between me and my faith, but being with him I finally felt safe to be honest about my devotion. I haven't been as close to God as I was then, not since the breakup. Ironic. If this was a test, I've failed it.
It's not even loneliness, 'cause I don't feel like I need a boyfriend. But part of me wants to be needed. And I'm not. 'Cause everyone's moving on and doing just fine. And good. Finally. I don't have to worry about leading him on anymore, he can go focus on someone else now. But he doesn't need me. No one really does that way. Even physically. 'Cause the two people who are fine hooking up with me have plenty of other options, too. I just make it easy for them. I'm out of "hood rats" so to speak.
I wonder if she's petty on purpose. I do not know what I did to her but I would love to know. Or if she doesn't care about me at all and this is just her personality, I'd like to know that, too. It might humble me a bit. Maybe even help me obsess a little less.
I'm exhausted. So I feel numb. But now I'm tired of being numb. I just don't have enough motivation to change anything.
Someone get me out of this job. But like. Don't fire me. Please give me a better job. Please let me find something that fills me. I want to leave but I'm not prepared to be unemployed.
I almost don't want to keep this channel up anymore.
My greatest joy now is seeing RWBY succeed. Every time I see a new announcement, a new poster, a new event, anything that reminds me of how massive it's gotten globally and just how loved it is, I think of Monty. I wish there was some way for him to know what he created and that all of this happened because of him. I wish I could love what I did as much as Monty did. He's an inspiration.
It's not even loneliness, 'cause I don't feel like I need a boyfriend. But part of me wants to be needed. And I'm not. 'Cause everyone's moving on and doing just fine. And good. Finally. I don't have to worry about leading him on anymore, he can go focus on someone else now. But he doesn't need me. No one really does that way. Even physically. 'Cause the two people who are fine hooking up with me have plenty of other options, too. I just make it easy for them. I'm out of "hood rats" so to speak.
I wonder if she's petty on purpose. I do not know what I did to her but I would love to know. Or if she doesn't care about me at all and this is just her personality, I'd like to know that, too. It might humble me a bit. Maybe even help me obsess a little less.
I'm exhausted. So I feel numb. But now I'm tired of being numb. I just don't have enough motivation to change anything.
Someone get me out of this job. But like. Don't fire me. Please give me a better job. Please let me find something that fills me. I want to leave but I'm not prepared to be unemployed.
I almost don't want to keep this channel up anymore.
My greatest joy now is seeing RWBY succeed. Every time I see a new announcement, a new poster, a new event, anything that reminds me of how massive it's gotten globally and just how loved it is, I think of Monty. I wish there was some way for him to know what he created and that all of this happened because of him. I wish I could love what I did as much as Monty did. He's an inspiration.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Ruined
I used to hear a lot about couples who, after the breakup, couldn't go back to certain restaurants or parks or whatever because it would remind them of their ex. I got it but I never got it. I didn't have that. Anywhere I went was special to me and who I am, and anyone who came with me was just a happy memory, but it didn't define the place for me.
Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.
Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.
McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.
Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.
At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?
Sad to say, Nick has become McDaniel. It's weird and two fold. Part of the issue is that I centered an event around him. I've done THAT frequently. Freshman year of high school was all about Angner. Freshman year of college was completely about Jonathan. And SENIOR WEEK. AND GRADUATION. MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH MY BELOVED SCHOOL. Were all about Nick. Anytime Jess talks about Crab Feast or people bring up the night we all signed bricks or the honors convocation or ANY of it, Nick is there and I remember how I felt for him and that's all I can think about. He was the most significant part of the already significant life event. It's hard to separate the two. So it makes sense that my last impression of campus would be the lasting one. Unfortunately, he's tied to that. The OTHER factor is that I'm always scared I'll run into him. And it's not as big of a concern now that he's graduated but, since we will most likely be on campus for the same events, it's always a possibility. And I don't just not think about it. Maybe I don't DWELL on it, but it certainly crosses my mind more than once, and while I'm on campus, I'm always looking just in case. He's ruined it. McDaniel isn't home anymore. It's become too much about him.
Don't get me wrong, I can reminisce on the romance, but present me is long over that. I have no clue who he is anymore. Plus I'm not a fan of the new look AND he has a girlfriend so my brain is doing what it usually does and blocks him out as an option. But I never got my closure. I really didn't. I'm never going to make my peace with the idea of someone who means a lot to me either genuinely disliking me or simply not giving a damn.
McDaniel might've lost the homey feelings anyway. I'm at a place where I want to support my babies as much as possible but I'm fully content seeing them and not being on the physical campus. I've made my peace with not being at the school. I guess life got so busy that I moved on while I wasn't looking. But the other factor is I don't want to be anywhere I am not wanted, or at least anywhere I feel like someone is uncomfortable around me. I saw Nick today and said maybe two sentences to him, but he didn't seem to have any desire to converse with me. He wasn't snarky or rude, he just LOOKED uncomfortable. And hearing Hannah mention him after he left made ME uncomfortable. It's just a crappy situation all over.
Again, McDaniel itself is no longer what is special to me. It's the people. Who all just happen to be there. I won't stop going. I'm going to be at Homecoming and Harveys and the other shows. It's how I show my babies that I love them and that they can still count on my support long into their futures. But otherwise, I think I'm done giving this campus my energy. I'll go to events, donate to SPECIFICALLY the theatre, and that's all.
At the end of the day, campus is great, my babies make me happy. Torreke fills my heart, and I love Mandy beyond words. But Mariah is in Germany and Jess and Joshy weren't even there so in the end, could it really have ever been home?
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Thoughts on the Night of May 20th
I think Tell Me How is really just a relatable song for every break up ever? Like when I hear Happier by Ed Sheeran I think "this is ME. This is MY situation." But Tell Me How is basically just how most people feel after the end of a relationship. However, it resonates with me because it DOESN'T apply to any of my relationships, except for the one with Nick. That's EXACTLY how I feel about him, and since all my other exes either stayed friends with me or allowed me the proper closure, I don't have that feeling of not knowing what to do or what crosses a line or whatever. That song hits extra hard for me.
My babies have graduated. Goodbye class of 2017. I feel heavy. Goodbyes are always hard. I can't believe there's so many people I won't see anymore. Again, I can't believe I won't see Nick. I didn't get to hug him or say goodbye. All I did was see other people's pictures of him and Hannah before she went off to Germany for six weeks. She's used to long distance and he isn't very social anyway. They'll be fine. And now that there's no opportunity for me to say hello in person, I guarantee he will stop reaching out. This is it. This is the final goodbye. I no longer know or speak to Nicholas Druyor. It feels so screwed. Like, our goodbye wasn't even a goodbye. But at this point trying to even start a conversation is unhealthy. So that's it. Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me. Byee.
Everything, Everything is such a good movie. Like wow it hurt though. Health is complex. Human interaction is complex. I loved the cast and I loved the directing, BOY did I love the directing. It was a cute story. Not too long. I ate up all the cheesy bits. Homeboy was kinda perfect, not conventionally attractive but still something about him was so appealing. And he was saying all the right things. And these conversations felt so natural and so warm and loving and it was so great to watch. And as Xabiel sat next to me, cuddling me, I realized this is what I want and Xabiel will never be able to give me this in a million years. So you can see how well that date ended. I thought of Michael a lot. Cause on the surface, he and I are kinda like that. But even then, Michael doesn't give me the deepest level connection. So I had a wishy washy date with his arm around me and a boy who adores me and talks to me like we're together on the phone and neither of them cut it.
Jonathan flirted with me for a bit a week or so ago. But he's still with his girlfriend, even if he doesn't really like her, and he wants to make it work. SO he's kinda gone MIA again. Glad I could be a temporary distraction. Whatever. I already said I'm not going back there.
I talked to Ethan on tumblr. Like we had a legit conversation. About nonsense and catching up. First time in years. And it was the most effing casual thing in the world. No romantic feelings. No overthinking. None of that bull. It was nice. He said goodbye and he missed talking to me. Nothing will come of it, thankfully. But for a moment I was able to completely forget the rest of my BS.
Jim Dyson asked to hang out sometime. So did Jason Hernandez. I get the feeling neither of those are romantically inclined, which. Thank the Lord. Same with Storm. Jason Guerrero I have no idea, he confuses me and I want nothing involved and truth is we have nothing in common. But he's a friend. And then there's my director Jake who apparently has a crush on me, like super on the DL? But he's not trying anything which is a-okay with me. I'm exhausted. I'm actually so tired of caring about all this. Like. No wonder I'm not with anyone. It won't happen while I care about it. And caring about it is so tiring.
One day I'll stop missing Nick and I'll stop acting like Michael is my boyfriend and I'll stop playing Xabiel and I'll stop looking for a partner in everyone I cross. But it ain't today. And knowing me it won't be tomorrow.
My babies have graduated. Goodbye class of 2017. I feel heavy. Goodbyes are always hard. I can't believe there's so many people I won't see anymore. Again, I can't believe I won't see Nick. I didn't get to hug him or say goodbye. All I did was see other people's pictures of him and Hannah before she went off to Germany for six weeks. She's used to long distance and he isn't very social anyway. They'll be fine. And now that there's no opportunity for me to say hello in person, I guarantee he will stop reaching out. This is it. This is the final goodbye. I no longer know or speak to Nicholas Druyor. It feels so screwed. Like, our goodbye wasn't even a goodbye. But at this point trying to even start a conversation is unhealthy. So that's it. Thanks for being the best thing that ever happened to me. Byee.
Everything, Everything is such a good movie. Like wow it hurt though. Health is complex. Human interaction is complex. I loved the cast and I loved the directing, BOY did I love the directing. It was a cute story. Not too long. I ate up all the cheesy bits. Homeboy was kinda perfect, not conventionally attractive but still something about him was so appealing. And he was saying all the right things. And these conversations felt so natural and so warm and loving and it was so great to watch. And as Xabiel sat next to me, cuddling me, I realized this is what I want and Xabiel will never be able to give me this in a million years. So you can see how well that date ended. I thought of Michael a lot. Cause on the surface, he and I are kinda like that. But even then, Michael doesn't give me the deepest level connection. So I had a wishy washy date with his arm around me and a boy who adores me and talks to me like we're together on the phone and neither of them cut it.
Jonathan flirted with me for a bit a week or so ago. But he's still with his girlfriend, even if he doesn't really like her, and he wants to make it work. SO he's kinda gone MIA again. Glad I could be a temporary distraction. Whatever. I already said I'm not going back there.
I talked to Ethan on tumblr. Like we had a legit conversation. About nonsense and catching up. First time in years. And it was the most effing casual thing in the world. No romantic feelings. No overthinking. None of that bull. It was nice. He said goodbye and he missed talking to me. Nothing will come of it, thankfully. But for a moment I was able to completely forget the rest of my BS.
Jim Dyson asked to hang out sometime. So did Jason Hernandez. I get the feeling neither of those are romantically inclined, which. Thank the Lord. Same with Storm. Jason Guerrero I have no idea, he confuses me and I want nothing involved and truth is we have nothing in common. But he's a friend. And then there's my director Jake who apparently has a crush on me, like super on the DL? But he's not trying anything which is a-okay with me. I'm exhausted. I'm actually so tired of caring about all this. Like. No wonder I'm not with anyone. It won't happen while I care about it. And caring about it is so tiring.
One day I'll stop missing Nick and I'll stop acting like Michael is my boyfriend and I'll stop playing Xabiel and I'll stop looking for a partner in everyone I cross. But it ain't today. And knowing me it won't be tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Thursday, May 11, 2017
More Accurately
Constanty torn between
You worked your butt off quite literally to get to this weight, you have discipline, don't eat the sweets. You don't need them and you'll feel so much better when you realize you're at a weight that makes you happy. You fought for SO LONG to get this close to your target weight. You're still not even there. Don't mess it up.
And
Why the hell are you so shallow? One of your closest friends is literally suffering from anorexia. She needs you to be an example and prove that weight is just a number and food isn't scary. You won't be unhealthy if you eat some sugar. You're not going to blow up. And even if you do, who cares? She needs you to be an example for her! So suck it up, eat the sugar, and stop being so freaking vain. Get over yourself. You want the food anyway so eat it.
A slightly more aggressive version of "get that body" and "treat yourself"
You worked your butt off quite literally to get to this weight, you have discipline, don't eat the sweets. You don't need them and you'll feel so much better when you realize you're at a weight that makes you happy. You fought for SO LONG to get this close to your target weight. You're still not even there. Don't mess it up.
And
Why the hell are you so shallow? One of your closest friends is literally suffering from anorexia. She needs you to be an example and prove that weight is just a number and food isn't scary. You won't be unhealthy if you eat some sugar. You're not going to blow up. And even if you do, who cares? She needs you to be an example for her! So suck it up, eat the sugar, and stop being so freaking vain. Get over yourself. You want the food anyway so eat it.
A slightly more aggressive version of "get that body" and "treat yourself"
Friday, April 7, 2017
Minus One Year
One more week until I say goodbye to Andrew
Two more weeks and a day until Jonathan shakes my foundation
Two more weeks and two days until I acknowledge my feelings for Nick
Honestly. August cannot come fast enough. I need this vacation more than I can adequately express.
Two more weeks and a day until Jonathan shakes my foundation
Two more weeks and two days until I acknowledge my feelings for Nick
Honestly. August cannot come fast enough. I need this vacation more than I can adequately express.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Exhaustion
Going to driving school is draining the life out of me. The school itself isn't bad. It's pretty easy, I'm actually learning some things, and I have enough of an attention span to deal with 3 hours a week. But it's just hard not having time to myself anymore. Being out of the house from 7:30am-9:30pm is horrendous; no wonder my mom was always miserable after work. And I have videos/episodes that I haven't seen yet because I'm not home after work to watch them. So I have a long list and the list is ACTUALLY upsetting me because my brain registers it as "something that needs to get done" as opposed to "random non-essential entertainment that can be done later", so I stress.
I'm for sure not getting enough sleep.
Getting ready for Karla's move is tough. I can't believe they move in here in a week. I see a whole lot of chaos ahead for us. Is it weird that I feel bad for not having said goodbye to their house yet? That makes no sense but ah well.
I want to look to the future and move on from things. Mostly work. I want to do something I love and be passionate about the things that make me get up every day. Can I have that yet? Can I not schedule surgeries?
I hate that I'm flirting with Michael again. I'm doing it because I like the attention and he's flirty and also still into me and he's fully aware we won't be in a relationship anyway. But like. I'm so sick of flirting for fun or fooling around. Effing give me something substantial. Like how long am I supposed to play pretend with a kid I'm not even interested in? I'm annoyed 'cause it's not like I have the willpower to just not flirt and not get doted on (apparently), but I also have zero sexual feelings towards this kid and I pretend so I can let off steam? What?
Can I get over Nick yet? Please? Can I please stop thinking about him all the time and missing him all the time and being jealous of Hannah all the time and wanting to vomit at the thought of them together happy for forever all the time and beating myself up for not being good enough for him all the time?? I MAKE NO SENSE WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT A BOY WHO HAS NO INTEREST IN ME?!?
I want it to be August. I want to be on vacation and with the people I love so much and I want to no longer care about absolutely any of this.
I'm for sure not getting enough sleep.
Getting ready for Karla's move is tough. I can't believe they move in here in a week. I see a whole lot of chaos ahead for us. Is it weird that I feel bad for not having said goodbye to their house yet? That makes no sense but ah well.
I want to look to the future and move on from things. Mostly work. I want to do something I love and be passionate about the things that make me get up every day. Can I have that yet? Can I not schedule surgeries?
I hate that I'm flirting with Michael again. I'm doing it because I like the attention and he's flirty and also still into me and he's fully aware we won't be in a relationship anyway. But like. I'm so sick of flirting for fun or fooling around. Effing give me something substantial. Like how long am I supposed to play pretend with a kid I'm not even interested in? I'm annoyed 'cause it's not like I have the willpower to just not flirt and not get doted on (apparently), but I also have zero sexual feelings towards this kid and I pretend so I can let off steam? What?
Can I get over Nick yet? Please? Can I please stop thinking about him all the time and missing him all the time and being jealous of Hannah all the time and wanting to vomit at the thought of them together happy for forever all the time and beating myself up for not being good enough for him all the time?? I MAKE NO SENSE WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT A BOY WHO HAS NO INTEREST IN ME?!?
I want it to be August. I want to be on vacation and with the people I love so much and I want to no longer care about absolutely any of this.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Beliefs, Growing Up, and Stardust
It's been a rough time. My usual distraction is the internet. Videos and silly pictures and all that. Obviously, right now is a very stupid time to look for comfort on the internet. It leaves you more angry and obsessed than ever.
I watch a lot of RWBY reactors. The thing is youtube is smart. Once you watch any RWBY related content, the recommended videos open you up to an entire community. Even if you only watch the original content, or one reactor, you'll come across all of them at some point. And if you're like me, you'll find a few that you enjoy. One of my favorites was a girl, 18 years old, by the name Lady Stardust. Apparently a big David Bowie fan, hence the name. No clue what her real name is. And honestly, that's a smart move on her part. Her reactions made me incredibly happy. I thought she was adorable. And she VERY QUICKLY got wrapped up in the world of this show and its fans. Her appreciation for its creators knew no bounds. And as you've experienced, few things make me happier than seeing others fall in love with the beautiful story Monty Oum dreamed up for us. I followed her on Twitter. I even shouted her out in a video.
The first thing that upset me was her shipping Adam and Blake. Something small. She'd talk about it in videos. She is a huge fan of villains, which I totally get. They're usually some of the most interesting characters. I think she's also a fan of villain redemption which, when done well, is such an exciting and complex story line. Look at Zuko in Avatar. Easily one of the more well developed characters and a major factor of the show's success. The difference here, as I mentioned about Jasper & Lapis in Steven Universe, is that it's an abusive relationship. This man traumatized her. Literally hurt her physically and mentally, and made her do things that have caused her to be reserved and afraid. He haunted her thoughts, and when she thought of him, she'd get scared. When she saw him, there was absolute terror in every part of her body. He made her feel powerless while hurting her and those she cared about, claiming it was out of love. He forced her to believe she needed him and tried to punish her for following her own beliefs. Even if he changed completely, how do you erase several years of trauma? You don't. And more often than not, in real life, forgiving your abuser and giving them more chances results in more abuse. Many people stay with their abusers because they are afraid, convinced they are worthless without them, or feel like they have no other choice. Which is why that kind of pairing is unacceptable. Putting a victim in a romantic relationship with a previous abuser implies that those actions can be easily forgiven and forgotten. Not only is it untrue, but it's harmful in that it almost supports the abuser's ability to strike again. These shows are smarter than to place their characters in that kind of captivity after they fought so hard to go away. It saddens me that the lady would think otherwise. The ship itself is called "Animal Abuse". Is that not telling enough?
The next thing was that she is an adamant anti-feminist, and referred to feminism as a bullying movement. I'm going to be honest, this made me extraordinarily uncomfortable, but I didn't blame her. She wants to be a stay at home mom. She graduated high school and is not going to college. That's not a common goal anymore, but if that's what makes her happy then that is absolutely what she should pursue. For a very long time, many people who have identified themselves as feminist have been cruel to her about her decision, saying that she should be ashamed and that women should me "more" than "just" a mom, as if motherhood wasn't already the world's hardest job. I'd be upset with people, too, if they had the nerve to talk down to me like that. The feminism I know says that a woman can be absolutely anything she wants, be it a rocket scientist or a house wife. The only stipulation is that it be 100% the woman's own choice and not be based on a man's opinion or command, or the idea that women are incapable of doing something else. That also means not letting other women tell her what she can and can't do. The choice should be 100% hers. The lady has unfortunately not been exposed to that kind of feminism, so she's obviously against it. I get it. I was anti-feminist at 18, too! The people in my life who called themselves feminists were rude and promoted misandry (or man hating) rather than feminism. They were angry and yelled their beliefs rather than calmly explain them to those who did not understand. They never took the time to approach another perspective, they only made you feel bad for not believing what they did. Additionally, I lived a privileged life with not many girls I was close to, and SEVERAL guy friends who were insanely respectful and I never dealt with any kind of oppression myself, so I made the self-centered assumption that other women were making it up. I stood up for my boys rather than try to understand someone else, and I refused to become like the bad examples. I knew that feminism was SUPPOSED to be for equality, but was not comfortable supporting a movement where no one could actually practice what they preached. Thankfully, I went to McDaniel. Not only did I learn about the varying forms of oppression that women in all parts of the world experience, but I met those good examples that I so desperately needed. They took the time to talk to me and show me things. I now saw how essential these beliefs were, and that they honestly were never too different from my own. Now I had a movement with which I could identify, and I was able to open my mind and my eyes to hardships that I now feel it is my responsibility to fight against. I never would have had that if I hadn't gone to college and gotten a whole new experience. And suddenly, I was concerned that the lady may never get the exposure necessary to help her understand. Especially since, try as I might, there's no way I could have a productive conversation in 140 characters.
I was a little off-put by her description of veganism. She's a vegan in terms of what she does and does not eat, but she doesn't call herself one. She says the vegan community has become rather toxic and tends to be hateful to those who don't adopt their beliefs. Honestly, I can agree with that. And I understand the idea of wanting to separate yourself from a harmful environment, even if you have things in common with those involved. I appreciated the mentality and the desire to grow towards improvement. I don't know if complete denial is the best idea. But I can't think of my own solution that works better, so until then I'll let the discomfort brush off.
So to get you hip on useless celebrity drama. Ariana Grande has been posting lots of pictures of herself lately. One had a caption basically calling herself the hardest working 23 year old on Earth. The public was not too amused. To a degree, ok, I get it. Soldiers and students and lawyers and doctors work their butts off. But I think people are overreacting. Hyperbole is real, friends. Also, maybe she isn't the world's greatest person and she definitely can be a bit of a diva. But, after releasing a single with her boyfriend, she completed her dream role in Hairspray, released a single with Stevie Wonder for SING, is working on ANOTHER single of an iconic song with John Legend for Beauty & the Beast, and is planning her Dangerous Woman tour with constant rehearsals and meetings. She's slaying the game right now and is one of Hollywood's most talked about vocalists. I think she's allowed to be proud of herself for running around and getting ish done. The lady was one of many who did not feel this way. I replied to a tweet of hers, saying Grande was most likely joking, to which she said it was irresponsible of a spoiled celebrity to joke that way. Umm. Sure? So I mentioned the above, and how I'm almost 23 and haven't accomplished nearly as much. Let's be real. Most of us aren't soldiers or doctors or lawyers and are still with our parents. Again, no shame in that game but like she should be proud! Lady's response was something to the effect of being unimpressed by her parading back and forth on stage and doing more songs with another pop star. "Meh". So it clicked. It made sense. My life is performance and I know that its EXHAUSTING to be constantly singing in front of giant crowds AND planning all of the events with multiple different designers AND working on other people's stuff. Not to mention, you don't get to work with talents as big as Wonder or Legend just by asking nicely. That is a true testament of how others view the work you do within your own craft. Again, she may not be the best out there but she's working so hard and, knowing what I do about that lifestyle, I appreciate it. Someone else who has no clue probably just sees it as showing off and getting to travel and have fun. It's about how you value arts and performance. I definitely see that you can still have to work your butt off, even if the work is enjoyable and rewarding, but okay. Again. Not something you can explain in 140 characters (obviously ^^^^^^^^). So I thanked the lady for her response. If nothing else, I appreciate that she's willing to converse with others in an effective and calm way.
TODAY IS THE INAUGURATION. She's thrilled. Her support for Trump is clearly through the roof. She's emotional and glad to be a part of this moment in history. Honestly. Her happiness knows no bounds. I'm slightly confused because I thought she was Canadian. She's been posting stuff against Trudeau all week. But she's apparently got a Trump hat that she dawned proudly for the occasion, and she tweeted something about wanting Trump's speech tattooed on her body. Hyperbole, I assume. I'm reading these little posts and seeing how ready she is for our new president. And it occurs to me that I can no longer support her. Not her videos or her social media. And I am so upset that I think this way. She's 18 and young and has a whole lot of time to learn about the world and its complexities, and she's always entitled to her own beliefs! Besides, what do I care what she believes?! She's a random person on the internet who has zero impact on my personal life or the life of anyone I know. I shouldn't be affected. But I am. I am because she's not alone. And a young Latina woman, such as the Lady, may not understand the consequences of the aforementioned decisions and what her public voice may do for/to others. But I understand. And I don't think I can watch it anymore. I'm going to be petty and keep following her so she doesn't know that she lost followers in direct relation to her political beliefs. And I'm going to be petty and post this novel here. Because there is no where else I can adequately vent without being hurtful or harmful. I don't wish her any malice. I genuinely want the best for her and those like her. I want to spread love and positivity in all directions, and so I'd rather not place this somewhere that people actually bother to read. I think I really just want you to read this and say "wow, she sounds like a lot, and I get it, but calm down Sammy it really doesn't matter". Today is significant for everyone in a multitude of ways. The next few years will define this country and its people. I wish strength to all those in need of it. I hope we are all able to distance ourselves from those who cause us stress or hurt in any form, and that we can spread love and respect to even them. And that starts with me.
I watch a lot of RWBY reactors. The thing is youtube is smart. Once you watch any RWBY related content, the recommended videos open you up to an entire community. Even if you only watch the original content, or one reactor, you'll come across all of them at some point. And if you're like me, you'll find a few that you enjoy. One of my favorites was a girl, 18 years old, by the name Lady Stardust. Apparently a big David Bowie fan, hence the name. No clue what her real name is. And honestly, that's a smart move on her part. Her reactions made me incredibly happy. I thought she was adorable. And she VERY QUICKLY got wrapped up in the world of this show and its fans. Her appreciation for its creators knew no bounds. And as you've experienced, few things make me happier than seeing others fall in love with the beautiful story Monty Oum dreamed up for us. I followed her on Twitter. I even shouted her out in a video.
The first thing that upset me was her shipping Adam and Blake. Something small. She'd talk about it in videos. She is a huge fan of villains, which I totally get. They're usually some of the most interesting characters. I think she's also a fan of villain redemption which, when done well, is such an exciting and complex story line. Look at Zuko in Avatar. Easily one of the more well developed characters and a major factor of the show's success. The difference here, as I mentioned about Jasper & Lapis in Steven Universe, is that it's an abusive relationship. This man traumatized her. Literally hurt her physically and mentally, and made her do things that have caused her to be reserved and afraid. He haunted her thoughts, and when she thought of him, she'd get scared. When she saw him, there was absolute terror in every part of her body. He made her feel powerless while hurting her and those she cared about, claiming it was out of love. He forced her to believe she needed him and tried to punish her for following her own beliefs. Even if he changed completely, how do you erase several years of trauma? You don't. And more often than not, in real life, forgiving your abuser and giving them more chances results in more abuse. Many people stay with their abusers because they are afraid, convinced they are worthless without them, or feel like they have no other choice. Which is why that kind of pairing is unacceptable. Putting a victim in a romantic relationship with a previous abuser implies that those actions can be easily forgiven and forgotten. Not only is it untrue, but it's harmful in that it almost supports the abuser's ability to strike again. These shows are smarter than to place their characters in that kind of captivity after they fought so hard to go away. It saddens me that the lady would think otherwise. The ship itself is called "Animal Abuse". Is that not telling enough?
The next thing was that she is an adamant anti-feminist, and referred to feminism as a bullying movement. I'm going to be honest, this made me extraordinarily uncomfortable, but I didn't blame her. She wants to be a stay at home mom. She graduated high school and is not going to college. That's not a common goal anymore, but if that's what makes her happy then that is absolutely what she should pursue. For a very long time, many people who have identified themselves as feminist have been cruel to her about her decision, saying that she should be ashamed and that women should me "more" than "just" a mom, as if motherhood wasn't already the world's hardest job. I'd be upset with people, too, if they had the nerve to talk down to me like that. The feminism I know says that a woman can be absolutely anything she wants, be it a rocket scientist or a house wife. The only stipulation is that it be 100% the woman's own choice and not be based on a man's opinion or command, or the idea that women are incapable of doing something else. That also means not letting other women tell her what she can and can't do. The choice should be 100% hers. The lady has unfortunately not been exposed to that kind of feminism, so she's obviously against it. I get it. I was anti-feminist at 18, too! The people in my life who called themselves feminists were rude and promoted misandry (or man hating) rather than feminism. They were angry and yelled their beliefs rather than calmly explain them to those who did not understand. They never took the time to approach another perspective, they only made you feel bad for not believing what they did. Additionally, I lived a privileged life with not many girls I was close to, and SEVERAL guy friends who were insanely respectful and I never dealt with any kind of oppression myself, so I made the self-centered assumption that other women were making it up. I stood up for my boys rather than try to understand someone else, and I refused to become like the bad examples. I knew that feminism was SUPPOSED to be for equality, but was not comfortable supporting a movement where no one could actually practice what they preached. Thankfully, I went to McDaniel. Not only did I learn about the varying forms of oppression that women in all parts of the world experience, but I met those good examples that I so desperately needed. They took the time to talk to me and show me things. I now saw how essential these beliefs were, and that they honestly were never too different from my own. Now I had a movement with which I could identify, and I was able to open my mind and my eyes to hardships that I now feel it is my responsibility to fight against. I never would have had that if I hadn't gone to college and gotten a whole new experience. And suddenly, I was concerned that the lady may never get the exposure necessary to help her understand. Especially since, try as I might, there's no way I could have a productive conversation in 140 characters.
I was a little off-put by her description of veganism. She's a vegan in terms of what she does and does not eat, but she doesn't call herself one. She says the vegan community has become rather toxic and tends to be hateful to those who don't adopt their beliefs. Honestly, I can agree with that. And I understand the idea of wanting to separate yourself from a harmful environment, even if you have things in common with those involved. I appreciated the mentality and the desire to grow towards improvement. I don't know if complete denial is the best idea. But I can't think of my own solution that works better, so until then I'll let the discomfort brush off.
So to get you hip on useless celebrity drama. Ariana Grande has been posting lots of pictures of herself lately. One had a caption basically calling herself the hardest working 23 year old on Earth. The public was not too amused. To a degree, ok, I get it. Soldiers and students and lawyers and doctors work their butts off. But I think people are overreacting. Hyperbole is real, friends. Also, maybe she isn't the world's greatest person and she definitely can be a bit of a diva. But, after releasing a single with her boyfriend, she completed her dream role in Hairspray, released a single with Stevie Wonder for SING, is working on ANOTHER single of an iconic song with John Legend for Beauty & the Beast, and is planning her Dangerous Woman tour with constant rehearsals and meetings. She's slaying the game right now and is one of Hollywood's most talked about vocalists. I think she's allowed to be proud of herself for running around and getting ish done. The lady was one of many who did not feel this way. I replied to a tweet of hers, saying Grande was most likely joking, to which she said it was irresponsible of a spoiled celebrity to joke that way. Umm. Sure? So I mentioned the above, and how I'm almost 23 and haven't accomplished nearly as much. Let's be real. Most of us aren't soldiers or doctors or lawyers and are still with our parents. Again, no shame in that game but like she should be proud! Lady's response was something to the effect of being unimpressed by her parading back and forth on stage and doing more songs with another pop star. "Meh". So it clicked. It made sense. My life is performance and I know that its EXHAUSTING to be constantly singing in front of giant crowds AND planning all of the events with multiple different designers AND working on other people's stuff. Not to mention, you don't get to work with talents as big as Wonder or Legend just by asking nicely. That is a true testament of how others view the work you do within your own craft. Again, she may not be the best out there but she's working so hard and, knowing what I do about that lifestyle, I appreciate it. Someone else who has no clue probably just sees it as showing off and getting to travel and have fun. It's about how you value arts and performance. I definitely see that you can still have to work your butt off, even if the work is enjoyable and rewarding, but okay. Again. Not something you can explain in 140 characters (obviously ^^^^^^^^). So I thanked the lady for her response. If nothing else, I appreciate that she's willing to converse with others in an effective and calm way.
TODAY IS THE INAUGURATION. She's thrilled. Her support for Trump is clearly through the roof. She's emotional and glad to be a part of this moment in history. Honestly. Her happiness knows no bounds. I'm slightly confused because I thought she was Canadian. She's been posting stuff against Trudeau all week. But she's apparently got a Trump hat that she dawned proudly for the occasion, and she tweeted something about wanting Trump's speech tattooed on her body. Hyperbole, I assume. I'm reading these little posts and seeing how ready she is for our new president. And it occurs to me that I can no longer support her. Not her videos or her social media. And I am so upset that I think this way. She's 18 and young and has a whole lot of time to learn about the world and its complexities, and she's always entitled to her own beliefs! Besides, what do I care what she believes?! She's a random person on the internet who has zero impact on my personal life or the life of anyone I know. I shouldn't be affected. But I am. I am because she's not alone. And a young Latina woman, such as the Lady, may not understand the consequences of the aforementioned decisions and what her public voice may do for/to others. But I understand. And I don't think I can watch it anymore. I'm going to be petty and keep following her so she doesn't know that she lost followers in direct relation to her political beliefs. And I'm going to be petty and post this novel here. Because there is no where else I can adequately vent without being hurtful or harmful. I don't wish her any malice. I genuinely want the best for her and those like her. I want to spread love and positivity in all directions, and so I'd rather not place this somewhere that people actually bother to read. I think I really just want you to read this and say "wow, she sounds like a lot, and I get it, but calm down Sammy it really doesn't matter". Today is significant for everyone in a multitude of ways. The next few years will define this country and its people. I wish strength to all those in need of it. I hope we are all able to distance ourselves from those who cause us stress or hurt in any form, and that we can spread love and respect to even them. And that starts with me.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
I Had 4 Dreams Last Night
Well really two, but the first one was split into three major scenes.
I was dating Jason Hernandez. 2 years older, skateboarding, smokes weed, listens to rap Jason Hernandez. The kid I had a crush on in my sophomore year of high school before dating Harrison, and who I have not seen since. Granted, we've been talking recently. And by talking I mean maybe a message a day or every other day. Through facebook cause we don't even have each other's numbers. And 0% of it is flirting. We talk about work and holidays and our nieces. But okay, in this dream we're dating. I'm hoping he looks like he did back in 2010 when he shaved, but I don't know because I never see him. It's just a lot of text conversation back and forth. Through some weird app or something, I dunno. All I know for certain is I'm dating Jason. I open Snapchat.
I'm suddenly talking to Nick. On Snapchat. Sort of. Imagine Instagram, picture on the left, text on the right, except there's no comments, it's just messages and the messaging format looks like Snapchat, with the red and blue and all that. So he's sending me messages and sending me pics and both sides just scroll up as the messages come in. And he says we need to talk. Like, finally have that talk he said we would have once he got my letter. And at this point I've given up (just like in real life) but for some reason in the dream I'm angry about it, like okAY if you KEEP SAYING it then this time we are GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT. And then the pics are of his family? Like mom and sister and cousins and nephews. And me, not understanding what dream social media this is, is trying to click the images but I don't know if that will make them go away. But it makes them bigger. And suddenly I'm in the world of the picture. I'm there. And I don't know any of these people, only through Nick's stories. But I love them and I miss them, and they are forgetting me. I don't matter to any of them and it hurts profoundly. I figure it's because we didn't stay together, so they didn't feel the need to think about me. But I felt so ignored, almost hated. And I wanted so desperately for them to like me.
I'm in a truck, seated in the passenger's seat. Looking back on it I think it might be Nick's, but in the dream all I know is little Sammy is in a massive truck on the top of a super steep hill. There are cars parked all along both sides of the road. Gravity wins and I go down the hill. I hit. So. Many. Cars. The emergency breaks just refuse to work. I try to crawl into the seat and actually drive/break but I am always just short of the time I need. It like rewinds several times, and each time it's a different accident. And I think I'm trying to drive to Nick's house to see his family, but I have no idea how I can get there with all these cars in the way. I wake up shaken and scared.
I'm watching one of my favorite youtubers. She's filming a video. It's almost pornographic in nature and I can't tell if she's with her boyfriend or another friend of hers. The actions are definitely a lot, but the atmosphere and everything is so casual? My brain registered this as completely normal. Not even arousing. Normal casual indifferent. Her family was there while it was being filmed. Sometimes offering commentary. It was the most normal thing in the world even though in reality it's crude and far too intimate to be a public moment, much less a recorded one for the public of youtube. I think in their minds it might've been some kind of artistic statement or something. They complained about one aunt who talked too much. But other than that, the deed was done and no one batted an eyelash. They all went their separate ways and, even though it was for his channel, she wanted to put it on her own too, so she filmed a little vlog for the end bit. And then I woke up. Wondering what the heck I had eaten or watched or whatever.
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