Wow that title is ominous, am I downplaying a serious problem? Well gaming is a thing for some people. So. Maybe not. Merp.
I'm telling myself that I shall quit at the end of this week. I do believe that's possible. But I also said I wouldn't open it in the first place. And then I said it was only one day. MERP.
I've started Cookie Clicker once again.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Monday, August 6, 2018
"The Church Friend Group"
I'm putting these words out into the universe.
After watching Nestor & Abby argue and pick on each other all the time, I think a few of us can't help but wonder if Abby has actual feelings. I think Nestor might be somewhat protective of her, but that's probably all. Then again who knows. What do I know? Every time I think I know him, he proves me wrong. Abby, meanwhile, I think might develop feelings. It's complicated. She and I are both aware that, due to the little that she knows about him, she holds him on a sort of pedestal. She considers him an acquaintance, not a friend, but she looks up to him. Because she knows he is a good guy, the kind of guy she wants to be with one day (except Nestor specifically is too serious and boring for her and they would fight a lot she says haha). The fact that she feels like she's not good enough for him kills her because in her mind that means she won't be good enough for the right guy when he comes along either. In terms of Nestor, she just feels like a disappointment. My theory is, especially because of how Samira talks about him, Abby might be searching for a father figure or a brother figure in Nestor. She just hasn't found a similar energy in other guys so Nestor is all she kind of has at the moment. She doesn't want to disappoint him but she feels like she lets him down, even though she thinks that realistically he probably doesn't care. I think it's entirely possible that she might develop feelings because she's looking for protection and will mistake that caring relationship for a romantic one. She also says she knows it's not like that because this feels nothing like when she catches feelings for someone. So who knows. I dunno if I would be prepared for that relationship. Allowing ourselves to think that far, I wouldn't necessarily mind because I love them both and only want them to be happy with good partners. But if something went wrong I don't know how I could ever choose a side. And despite being over Nestor, I think it'd be a hit to my ego. I'd somehow make it about why I wasn't good enough, which I think I'm less likely to do if he meets someone brand new. Funny how that works - when I prayed about Nick's new partner I always wanted it to be someone I knew!
Abby called him an acquaintance. Jaroll says he's not a friend or acquaintance, he's a friend from church which is a whole different category. He says I've crossed over to friends because I'm "just that amazing", to which Abby agreed. I think they mean it. I hope they do because I don't have a separate category for them. It makes me really wonder how they all view each other. What are we to one another?
After watching Nestor & Abby argue and pick on each other all the time, I think a few of us can't help but wonder if Abby has actual feelings. I think Nestor might be somewhat protective of her, but that's probably all. Then again who knows. What do I know? Every time I think I know him, he proves me wrong. Abby, meanwhile, I think might develop feelings. It's complicated. She and I are both aware that, due to the little that she knows about him, she holds him on a sort of pedestal. She considers him an acquaintance, not a friend, but she looks up to him. Because she knows he is a good guy, the kind of guy she wants to be with one day (except Nestor specifically is too serious and boring for her and they would fight a lot she says haha). The fact that she feels like she's not good enough for him kills her because in her mind that means she won't be good enough for the right guy when he comes along either. In terms of Nestor, she just feels like a disappointment. My theory is, especially because of how Samira talks about him, Abby might be searching for a father figure or a brother figure in Nestor. She just hasn't found a similar energy in other guys so Nestor is all she kind of has at the moment. She doesn't want to disappoint him but she feels like she lets him down, even though she thinks that realistically he probably doesn't care. I think it's entirely possible that she might develop feelings because she's looking for protection and will mistake that caring relationship for a romantic one. She also says she knows it's not like that because this feels nothing like when she catches feelings for someone. So who knows. I dunno if I would be prepared for that relationship. Allowing ourselves to think that far, I wouldn't necessarily mind because I love them both and only want them to be happy with good partners. But if something went wrong I don't know how I could ever choose a side. And despite being over Nestor, I think it'd be a hit to my ego. I'd somehow make it about why I wasn't good enough, which I think I'm less likely to do if he meets someone brand new. Funny how that works - when I prayed about Nick's new partner I always wanted it to be someone I knew!
Abby called him an acquaintance. Jaroll says he's not a friend or acquaintance, he's a friend from church which is a whole different category. He says I've crossed over to friends because I'm "just that amazing", to which Abby agreed. I think they mean it. I hope they do because I don't have a separate category for them. It makes me really wonder how they all view each other. What are we to one another?
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Absence
This is the place I go to write things I cannot post elsewhere. I'll be honest I'm hesitant to keep writing in it. I mean if you will actively ignore my messages, I don't know I should be pouring my heart out in a place that was special for the two of us. But then again, it's all I've got and it's not like you'll read it anyway. Or maybe you will. Again, I may be overreacting to everything. I'd love that. I'd love if you could yell at me for being stupid and ever thinking we weren't friends. Oh well. Whatever. Moving on 'cause that's only the littlest bit of what this post is about.
On facebook, tumblr, twitter, etc, I have seen all manner of text talking about taking breaks from friends. And how strong friendships can be away from each other for a long time and the friendship should not be called into question. How they don't have to talk all the time. How some people just need space and it shouldn't be taken personally. "It's not about you". We need to stop clinging to people and realize that it is healthy to be away from others for a while, and that in healthy friendships the other party is expected to understand.
Here's where I take issue with that.
I have depression. I need people. I am a social person who seeks comfort in others. I am not healthy. And I will never try to use my mental illness to guilt others or justify my faults/terrible actions. I'm a big girl and I can recognize when my brain is guiding me towards something that I should not allow. But it is very, VERY difficult when it comes to letting people go. When my brain is crying "they hate you, they don't like you, you're annoying, they are better off without you", my job is to let logic in and say "you have no proof, these people have told me they love me and I choose to believe them, lack of communication can be attributed to all sorts of situations in their own lives that have nothing to do with me and I'd be selfish to automatically assume it has something to do with me". I remind myself that they are still there for me. This becomes increasingly difficult when, in fact, they are not there for me. I don't mean the situations where they stop conversations after a few texts or tell you that they don't want to go out multiple times. I mean the times when, without warning, they do not message you, do not respond to any of your attempts at contact, and do not warn you that they will be away. It's hard to tell your brain that people love you when their presence isn't felt and they do not put forth effort to make you feel loved.
I recognize that a lot of that is due to their mental illness as well. I try to be as accommodating as possible. Being with an extrovert like me can be draining. Sometimes you need seclusion. Like extended periods of seclusion. Sometimes it gets to be too much and what you need are friends who love you and understand that you cannot be there for them because you need to be there for yourself, and most importantly that you taking time to prioritize your own health does NOT mean that you don't care or that you've thrown that relationship away. I try to be understanding because I know that those moments of seclusion are essential to regaining energy and a sense of self. It helps people grow and I will never stand in the way of that. I will not be the friend that becomes a burden because I could not give people room when they requested it. But this is only an easy decision for me for a set period of time. After two months, three months, four months, MY mental illness gets louder. MY mental illness starts truly doubting. MY mental illness wonders if maybe this one time it wasn't a need for seclusion but rather a need to be away from me specifically. The voice gets louder and I can only shut it up for so long. But I'm always so afraid that, if I voice that concern, I'll look selfish and the person will think I can't be understanding. All those posts on social media that make it seem normalized to take breaks from people, whether they know it or not, imply that I am toxic and clingy if I cannot give my friends that space no matter how long it may take.
Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of friends who I only see maybe twice a year if that, and we can still catch up right where we left off. That's not the issue because, normally, not all friends are in constant contact. We all have lives to live. But the complete cutting off without explanation is not easy. Not to say I'm owed an explanation but wow would it help ease me just the smallest bit.
When you and your sister would not hold a conversation with me after I left Canada, I kept telling myself it was normal. I kept thinking that I was probably just catching you at a bad time or maybe something was going on that you felt you couldn't tell me about. I knew we'd been through too much for too long to drop one another. Maybe we'd all changed and grown in different ways, and my trip confirmed that, but love doesn't go away even in change. We still cared for one another and supported each other. That's what I told myself repeatedly. Two days from today, it will be one year since I got on the plane to Canada. Almost a year since we've had a conversation longer than a few snaps back and forth. I can't pinpoint when you started ignoring my messages or when your sister blocked me. All I know is that I thought I was giving you guys the normal space you deserved and, because I didn't want to be clingy or get in the way, I let you go without a fight. And my worst fear came true. Not just with anyone, because friends come and go. The two people closest to me who I held higher than any other friends I've ever had. They left. They dropped me. And I have to sit here daily and remind myself that it's not guaranteed to happen again.
It's only happened the one time with you. This is Jonathan's bread and butter. He hates it. I know he does, so I almost hesitate to talk about it. But he's the real reason all these posts have gotten on my nerves and broken my heart a million times. He calls his breaks "hiatus" or "going MIA". He does this at least once or twice a year, where he's gone for a few months. He's not actually away somewhere, he's just not in contact. Usually, he tells me after a few weeks (when he realizes that he's doing it) and I know not to contact him for a while. When I get antsy after two or three months, I'll just shoot him a message to let him know I'm thinking of him. Sometimes he'll respond with something short and simple, sometimes it's an apology, and that'll be enough. That's all I need to know that this isn't about me and that we're ok and he feels my support from afar. After about four months he is usually ready to come back - for some reason there's almost always a new girl haha. This time was different. This time was bad. He gave no warning. I've talked about this here before, I'm sure. It's not the first time he missed my birthday, but it was the first time he missed Christmas. At two months, when I was in El Salvador, I got so freaked I texted Miles. At three months, I messaged his best friend Andrew. It was the only way I could check on him. Because unlike other times, when I sent my little notes, I didn't get any message back. He wouldn't even read them. So I had no way of knowing that he was okay except through family members. I was worried about him and worried about us. I saw him once at the end of April and I felt like I could breathe again. But once after five months isn't a lot. I did not get back in consistent contact with Jonathan for a total of seven and a half months. In that time period, I had been abysmally lonely, incredibly fulfilled, stressed, accomplished, redeemed, tested, and all sorts of things. He missed many major parts of my life. And I know I missed his. My depressed self would sit there and question if we were still friends or if I had done something wrong or if, after all this time, he realized he didn't need me and didn't want to try for our friendship anymore. The part of me that wanted to burst out of depression said "no this just proves you don't need him, look you're fine without him and you no longer need to rely on someone who can't be there for you". A lot of my friends would even say "yeah this has been long enough, I'd call it done. If he can't make time for even a few messages (especially after he managed to text a mutual friend of ours but not me), then he clearly doesn't care and you can't be expected to wait around for someone who won't treat you like a friend". The problem was I know that I'm important to Jonathan BECAUSE I'm always there. Because we have been through hell and I've still never left him behind. Which sounds manipulative, and I completely get why my friends would say I don't need someone like that. My brain said "it's not his fault and you know it" and my friends said "it doesn't matter if he can't help it - it's abusive behavior and you should get out while you can instead of letting him think he can just come back whenever". Sticking around was a difficult choice. It's not as easy as all the online posts would suggest. I needed my best friend and he wasn't there for me, but I had to decide whether or not I should be there for him.
After seven and a half months, we started texting again. Regularly. And we saw each other. I met his beautiful puppy. He told me that his mental health got so bad there's parts of this winter he truly just doesn't remember. Not like he got drunk, but he blocked them out of his memory. He NEEDED that space. He needed to get on his feet and function for himself. It wasn't my fault. He just needed to be. He knows how much he missed. He knows how much I missed. This may have been his worst case but it's not the first time. He's used to losing people. He's grown aware that sometimes people cannot handle it and they drop you because they get tired of waiting around for someone to act like a friend. It hurts but the hiatus isn't his choice. The same way your body falls asleep on its own after being awake for far too long, his brain distances him from everyone else. He can't help it. And the consequence is people get lost. It hurts him but there's nothing he can do. I think I would never have forgiven myself if I had listened to my friends and stopped waiting for him. Jonathan is one of those people in my life that I will not abandon. So I guess the posts were right in a sense.
But I will never claim that waiting is easy. The truth is I put Jonathan over my own mental health. That's what I do. It's not healthy and probably not smart. I struggle a lot and go through a lot of pain just to keep him as a friend. When he takes his break, it genuinely affects me. Logic aside, it hurts me and leaves me lonely. Any other person might not be able to deal with seven months of silence, wondering if the person is safe, wondering if the person is lonely, wondering if the person still loves them. Some people just can't do it. And if we could stop posting stuff normalizing the suffering of people like that, that would be great. Yes, some of our friends need space. We should respect that. We should support them in the best way we can. But you can't hold it against anyone who can't stick around. It isn't always a lack of love or understanding. Some of us just aren't cut out for it. And in the same way WE need to give them space sometimes so that they can care for their mental health, sometimes we need THEM to give up their space and show us support through their presence for the sake of our mental health. Friendship is compromise. It's balanced sacrifice and finding the right balance is hard. Some people just cannot do it and prefer to be with like-minded people who can nurture their needs more easily. There's nothing wrong with that. Please stop pretending that it should be easy for everyone.
On facebook, tumblr, twitter, etc, I have seen all manner of text talking about taking breaks from friends. And how strong friendships can be away from each other for a long time and the friendship should not be called into question. How they don't have to talk all the time. How some people just need space and it shouldn't be taken personally. "It's not about you". We need to stop clinging to people and realize that it is healthy to be away from others for a while, and that in healthy friendships the other party is expected to understand.
Here's where I take issue with that.
I have depression. I need people. I am a social person who seeks comfort in others. I am not healthy. And I will never try to use my mental illness to guilt others or justify my faults/terrible actions. I'm a big girl and I can recognize when my brain is guiding me towards something that I should not allow. But it is very, VERY difficult when it comes to letting people go. When my brain is crying "they hate you, they don't like you, you're annoying, they are better off without you", my job is to let logic in and say "you have no proof, these people have told me they love me and I choose to believe them, lack of communication can be attributed to all sorts of situations in their own lives that have nothing to do with me and I'd be selfish to automatically assume it has something to do with me". I remind myself that they are still there for me. This becomes increasingly difficult when, in fact, they are not there for me. I don't mean the situations where they stop conversations after a few texts or tell you that they don't want to go out multiple times. I mean the times when, without warning, they do not message you, do not respond to any of your attempts at contact, and do not warn you that they will be away. It's hard to tell your brain that people love you when their presence isn't felt and they do not put forth effort to make you feel loved.
I recognize that a lot of that is due to their mental illness as well. I try to be as accommodating as possible. Being with an extrovert like me can be draining. Sometimes you need seclusion. Like extended periods of seclusion. Sometimes it gets to be too much and what you need are friends who love you and understand that you cannot be there for them because you need to be there for yourself, and most importantly that you taking time to prioritize your own health does NOT mean that you don't care or that you've thrown that relationship away. I try to be understanding because I know that those moments of seclusion are essential to regaining energy and a sense of self. It helps people grow and I will never stand in the way of that. I will not be the friend that becomes a burden because I could not give people room when they requested it. But this is only an easy decision for me for a set period of time. After two months, three months, four months, MY mental illness gets louder. MY mental illness starts truly doubting. MY mental illness wonders if maybe this one time it wasn't a need for seclusion but rather a need to be away from me specifically. The voice gets louder and I can only shut it up for so long. But I'm always so afraid that, if I voice that concern, I'll look selfish and the person will think I can't be understanding. All those posts on social media that make it seem normalized to take breaks from people, whether they know it or not, imply that I am toxic and clingy if I cannot give my friends that space no matter how long it may take.
Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of friends who I only see maybe twice a year if that, and we can still catch up right where we left off. That's not the issue because, normally, not all friends are in constant contact. We all have lives to live. But the complete cutting off without explanation is not easy. Not to say I'm owed an explanation but wow would it help ease me just the smallest bit.
When you and your sister would not hold a conversation with me after I left Canada, I kept telling myself it was normal. I kept thinking that I was probably just catching you at a bad time or maybe something was going on that you felt you couldn't tell me about. I knew we'd been through too much for too long to drop one another. Maybe we'd all changed and grown in different ways, and my trip confirmed that, but love doesn't go away even in change. We still cared for one another and supported each other. That's what I told myself repeatedly. Two days from today, it will be one year since I got on the plane to Canada. Almost a year since we've had a conversation longer than a few snaps back and forth. I can't pinpoint when you started ignoring my messages or when your sister blocked me. All I know is that I thought I was giving you guys the normal space you deserved and, because I didn't want to be clingy or get in the way, I let you go without a fight. And my worst fear came true. Not just with anyone, because friends come and go. The two people closest to me who I held higher than any other friends I've ever had. They left. They dropped me. And I have to sit here daily and remind myself that it's not guaranteed to happen again.
It's only happened the one time with you. This is Jonathan's bread and butter. He hates it. I know he does, so I almost hesitate to talk about it. But he's the real reason all these posts have gotten on my nerves and broken my heart a million times. He calls his breaks "hiatus" or "going MIA". He does this at least once or twice a year, where he's gone for a few months. He's not actually away somewhere, he's just not in contact. Usually, he tells me after a few weeks (when he realizes that he's doing it) and I know not to contact him for a while. When I get antsy after two or three months, I'll just shoot him a message to let him know I'm thinking of him. Sometimes he'll respond with something short and simple, sometimes it's an apology, and that'll be enough. That's all I need to know that this isn't about me and that we're ok and he feels my support from afar. After about four months he is usually ready to come back - for some reason there's almost always a new girl haha. This time was different. This time was bad. He gave no warning. I've talked about this here before, I'm sure. It's not the first time he missed my birthday, but it was the first time he missed Christmas. At two months, when I was in El Salvador, I got so freaked I texted Miles. At three months, I messaged his best friend Andrew. It was the only way I could check on him. Because unlike other times, when I sent my little notes, I didn't get any message back. He wouldn't even read them. So I had no way of knowing that he was okay except through family members. I was worried about him and worried about us. I saw him once at the end of April and I felt like I could breathe again. But once after five months isn't a lot. I did not get back in consistent contact with Jonathan for a total of seven and a half months. In that time period, I had been abysmally lonely, incredibly fulfilled, stressed, accomplished, redeemed, tested, and all sorts of things. He missed many major parts of my life. And I know I missed his. My depressed self would sit there and question if we were still friends or if I had done something wrong or if, after all this time, he realized he didn't need me and didn't want to try for our friendship anymore. The part of me that wanted to burst out of depression said "no this just proves you don't need him, look you're fine without him and you no longer need to rely on someone who can't be there for you". A lot of my friends would even say "yeah this has been long enough, I'd call it done. If he can't make time for even a few messages (especially after he managed to text a mutual friend of ours but not me), then he clearly doesn't care and you can't be expected to wait around for someone who won't treat you like a friend". The problem was I know that I'm important to Jonathan BECAUSE I'm always there. Because we have been through hell and I've still never left him behind. Which sounds manipulative, and I completely get why my friends would say I don't need someone like that. My brain said "it's not his fault and you know it" and my friends said "it doesn't matter if he can't help it - it's abusive behavior and you should get out while you can instead of letting him think he can just come back whenever". Sticking around was a difficult choice. It's not as easy as all the online posts would suggest. I needed my best friend and he wasn't there for me, but I had to decide whether or not I should be there for him.
After seven and a half months, we started texting again. Regularly. And we saw each other. I met his beautiful puppy. He told me that his mental health got so bad there's parts of this winter he truly just doesn't remember. Not like he got drunk, but he blocked them out of his memory. He NEEDED that space. He needed to get on his feet and function for himself. It wasn't my fault. He just needed to be. He knows how much he missed. He knows how much I missed. This may have been his worst case but it's not the first time. He's used to losing people. He's grown aware that sometimes people cannot handle it and they drop you because they get tired of waiting around for someone to act like a friend. It hurts but the hiatus isn't his choice. The same way your body falls asleep on its own after being awake for far too long, his brain distances him from everyone else. He can't help it. And the consequence is people get lost. It hurts him but there's nothing he can do. I think I would never have forgiven myself if I had listened to my friends and stopped waiting for him. Jonathan is one of those people in my life that I will not abandon. So I guess the posts were right in a sense.
But I will never claim that waiting is easy. The truth is I put Jonathan over my own mental health. That's what I do. It's not healthy and probably not smart. I struggle a lot and go through a lot of pain just to keep him as a friend. When he takes his break, it genuinely affects me. Logic aside, it hurts me and leaves me lonely. Any other person might not be able to deal with seven months of silence, wondering if the person is safe, wondering if the person is lonely, wondering if the person still loves them. Some people just can't do it. And if we could stop posting stuff normalizing the suffering of people like that, that would be great. Yes, some of our friends need space. We should respect that. We should support them in the best way we can. But you can't hold it against anyone who can't stick around. It isn't always a lack of love or understanding. Some of us just aren't cut out for it. And in the same way WE need to give them space sometimes so that they can care for their mental health, sometimes we need THEM to give up their space and show us support through their presence for the sake of our mental health. Friendship is compromise. It's balanced sacrifice and finding the right balance is hard. Some people just cannot do it and prefer to be with like-minded people who can nurture their needs more easily. There's nothing wrong with that. Please stop pretending that it should be easy for everyone.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Remember IM5
Throwback to when 3 people left the band IM5 in the span of a year, and the band kinda fell apart. It was a huge sign when the 2nd member left that something was up and this band could no longer stand.
Lola not doing box office again didn't affect me much. Made sense. It's a temp job and she's overqualified. Lena leaving kinda shook everybody because she had such a major role, but it made sense because she seemed unhappy here (for reasons I totally get) and she needs to be in a place where she can do what she loves in ways that make sense to her reality and her moral compass - and we need someone who delivers more quickly so it really just was best for everyone and there's no hard feelings. David leaving is a blow to me personally. He isn't just closest to me in age but I work directly under him. He trained me and I am most comfortable with him. Almost friends. The two weeks he was on vacation, I kind of felt lost. I knew a lot of what I was doing but I didn't have someone to help me or guide me. And now, after next Friday, I'll have to go back to that. I don't want this job to be a sinking ship. Despite shortcomings, I do LOVE this job. I see the flaws. But I want to give it my all so it can be great. And that's what I'm going to do. That said, I'm sorely gonna miss David. I don't like it. I was supposed to be the baby and now we're going to hire three new people. Feelings
Lola not doing box office again didn't affect me much. Made sense. It's a temp job and she's overqualified. Lena leaving kinda shook everybody because she had such a major role, but it made sense because she seemed unhappy here (for reasons I totally get) and she needs to be in a place where she can do what she loves in ways that make sense to her reality and her moral compass - and we need someone who delivers more quickly so it really just was best for everyone and there's no hard feelings. David leaving is a blow to me personally. He isn't just closest to me in age but I work directly under him. He trained me and I am most comfortable with him. Almost friends. The two weeks he was on vacation, I kind of felt lost. I knew a lot of what I was doing but I didn't have someone to help me or guide me. And now, after next Friday, I'll have to go back to that. I don't want this job to be a sinking ship. Despite shortcomings, I do LOVE this job. I see the flaws. But I want to give it my all so it can be great. And that's what I'm going to do. That said, I'm sorely gonna miss David. I don't like it. I was supposed to be the baby and now we're going to hire three new people. Feelings
Friday, June 8, 2018
Hades
I haven't been writing in either blog anymore. I feel like why bother? 'Cause I doubt you read them. And I dunno that you watch my videos. And you haven't responded to my messages. We haven't had an actual conversation since I left Canada, which was almost a year ago. So I feel like we're not okay. And if I'm wrong and you're hurt by my assumptions, I apologize profusely that I'd question our friendship. But like. Tell me. I'm sick of radio silence.
There's a tumblr post that has been around a WHILE about needing a musical about Hades and Persephone staring Hozier and Florence Welch respectively. I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I really miss Hozier and that would be so stinking good. So I thought "someone just needs to write it" because even if those celebrities never do it, the music will still be hauntingly beautiful. I looked it up! And I found an off-Broadway musical called Hadestown (all the music is on Spotify). It's not bad - I still haven't listened to all of it. So far there's maybe two songs I really super enjoy. Thing is I know the above artists could do it. But the style does NOT showcase their voices in the way I wish it would. Like. I need someone to do this better haha specifically to fit these needs, not even 'cause the musical quality is or is not good. Which is ridiculous but I WOULD LOVE THIS. AND I MISS HOZIER AND NEED HIM TO STOP HIDING.
There's a tumblr post that has been around a WHILE about needing a musical about Hades and Persephone staring Hozier and Florence Welch respectively. I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I really miss Hozier and that would be so stinking good. So I thought "someone just needs to write it" because even if those celebrities never do it, the music will still be hauntingly beautiful. I looked it up! And I found an off-Broadway musical called Hadestown (all the music is on Spotify). It's not bad - I still haven't listened to all of it. So far there's maybe two songs I really super enjoy. Thing is I know the above artists could do it. But the style does NOT showcase their voices in the way I wish it would. Like. I need someone to do this better haha specifically to fit these needs, not even 'cause the musical quality is or is not good. Which is ridiculous but I WOULD LOVE THIS. AND I MISS HOZIER AND NEED HIM TO STOP HIDING.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Sunday, February 11, 2018
7/11/17
One year ago, I was trying not to throw up, downing cheesecake to feel better, doing all I could to hold back tears. The wait to be home felt eternal. I had good people looking out for me. I know Margie was very concerned for me, and that Joshy and Jess had my back. Michael stayed up with me until 4 in the morning. One year ago was one of my lowest points ever.
I'm not there anymore.
I'm not there anymore.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
It's Late and I Travel Tomorrow - Er.. Today
The fact that I'm not closer with Angelique will always bother me. Because it's 100% my fault. We were good. And then I kinda didn't trust her. And then I became incredibly jealous. And then I just didn't believe her ever. And then I went and ruined everything with unnecessary harshness and hypocritical judgement and an insane lack of compassion. And then I drowned in regret. And then I distanced myself because that's what I do when people don't like me. And then I realized she was distant with everyone so maybe she wasn't still mad - but that didn't stop me from blaming myself SLASH she was totally still mad, at least enough to bring the incident up again. And then we were civil. And then we were actually okay. And then I learned that I disagree with her politics and just a lot of what she believes as a person so, had we not had history, I wouldn't want to be friends with her. And then she went back to school. And then I didn't try. And then I tried way too hard. And then I got scared for her as I learned more about her situation, of course not from her, and I wanted her to know that despite everything I was still there for her. And then nothing changed. She kept being a kind, civil person and treating me well because why wouldn't she? And I kept acting like everything was fine because I wouldn't I? And everything leading up to her wedding made me realize that I was not her friend. Like, she did not see me as a friend. Because why would she? And then I didn't even bother to take pictures with her at the wedding because WHY WOULD I SEEK OUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME ON THE DAY WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPL SHE LOVES. And then I felt guilty because maybe I should've tried harder. And now they're married and I know nothing, because why should I? And it's weird because we're supposed to be family in Christ but... I genuinely don't know how much of our relationship was ever real. I didn't fake all of it. Especially in the beginning, I felt close to her and grateful for her presence in my life. So much happened. I hate that things happen. But hey. Idalis feels like a stranger, too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised I'm not in any wedding pictures. Honestly, I shouldn't have been invited.
I want to see Jess first, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to talk to Michael again soon.
I want to see Jess first, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to talk to Michael again soon.
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
A Mass Whine Post
Michael and I stopped talking. I don't necessarily want to say why on here. I have his permission, but I still don't feel the need to bash him. He did something heinous but it's not my job or my desire to turn everyone against him. I just can't talk to him anymore. I'm not even mad. I'm just disgusted. I don't want someone like him in my life. I don't feel like I can trust him. It's a crappy situation but it feels like the best choice. I'm not sure how long it will be that way. I feel a little extra odd 'cause I try so hard to be a positive person, and I KNOW that Michael was my outlet to vent. I told him all the crap stuff going on in my life because he let me. And now I don't really have anywhere to let go of things.
Seeing family was wonderful. Exhausting and kind of stressful, but wonderful. WOW did the roads in this country give me massive anxiety. So steep. So narrow. So windy. Mountainous. And NOBODY shows any courtesy. But it's okay. The country is beautiful. Growing and adapting and expanding rapidly. It's vibrant and full of color and music and life. But it never loses it's old charm. A lot is going on, a lot of changing, not all for the best. But what country is free of politics nowadays, right? It was good to feel so at home and so welcome. Not so great to have everyone talk about my weight? All good things. Everyone mentioned how pretty an skinny I was. Except for I've been thinner and also I'd like to not have those two words be synonymous and I know I haven't grown but is that really all anyone can say? And they joke about "don't overfeed her while she's here, don't make her gain weight" as if gaining weight would be the end of the world. Please don't do that, I'm trying so hard not to care about that and just enjoy my vacation. And also, if you're gonna make that joke, then maybe stop feeding me so much? I know it's like Latino family rule to overfeed all guests but you literally just told all my other relatives not to do that soo... I dunno. Not a great feeling.
My uncle, who is a doctor and IN NO WAY meant to offend me, started talking to me about my acne. It's gotten bad, has been for most of 2017. And he mentioned I should care more about it - not for aesthetic reasons but usually because breakouts like mine mean something isn't right with my body. It could be a metabolism issue or something, who knows. He suggested going to a dermatologist. I reeeaallly don't want to. Which is too bad; I'll probably end up going. Thing is the face wash I use is helping, but it's not a topical issue. I'm pretty sure it's stress induced - which is never gonna go away - as well as hormonal. Except I don't want to try birth control. 'Cause money. And 'cause my period is SO regular and I know it super well and I don't want to mess with that. AAAAnnnddd 'cause I'm shallow and very scared of retaining water. Lol yay more weight fears. SO I am trying someting that I often hear works for people (despite the fact that I've changed diets SEVERAL times and my acne has not been noticeably affected): I am cutting dairy. Do you know how many things have milk, butter, or cheese? No cereal, pizza, yogurt, fro yo, ice cream, crema, cream cheese, butter, sandwiches with cheese, chocolate, milk shakes, frappes, etc etc etc. This is toughhhhh yo. In the words of my Little, "at least there's feta"
My dad paid for my driver's ed classes. He took me out to drive for about a year. He gave me his car. He paid for the title at the MVA. He paid the down payment for my insurance and is paying 2/3 of the monthly payments for the next year. He bought my a laptop and carrying case for the holidays. He bought me my ticket to El Salvador. He spoils me. He has always spoiled me. Never been a supportive, attentive, loving father or really a good, selfless person in general, but he has always given me nice things. I have no right to complain. Despite the fact that he did all the driving things, not because I asked for it or wanted it, but because HE wanted me to learn. He ignored my crippling anxiety and did not bother to understand any of my mental health problems. When I let him know I didn't want to drive, he just said I was weird and needed to get over it. So I put up with it. Because Lyft is expensive, the bus isn't reliable, I'm tired of being a burden, and I have places to get to. So driving is the only option. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick but I do it. And I'm supposed to be grateful to him for putting me in this situation because honestly I have it so much easier than most people. I legit feel like I'm not allowed to complain. And when I asked for the money to be put in my bank account so I could make a single payment, he agreed to it and told me not to pay yet because he wanted to see the booklet. Fine. Comes over on the 23rd, payment is due to 25th. He gets mad 'cause I should've told him it was on the 25th so we could do it sooner. Except I did? And so did the insurance agent the day we signed up?! But ok, he admits he forgot, not a big deal. So he starts making the payment from his account straight to the insurance. Which is not what we agreed and I had already told him what I wanted. I ask what he's doing, he shows me and says that I should do it, too. So of course I have an attitude and I'm upset - I feel ignored. He could've at least consulted with me if he didn't like my way of doing it. But he gets mad that I speak to him disrespectfully because he's trying to help me. And he's right. He's doing me a favor. So we do it his way and go through the bank. This is how it's going to be for the year. His way makes our payment a day late. Wouldn't have been the case if we did it my way, even with us waiting until the 23rd. But I can't complain. I can no longer complain.
I now work front desk at my office. In addition to everything else I did. If a front desk person is missing, I push all my work aside and help up front (even though I don't feel like much help). If a nurse is missing, Heidi (one of the front desk girls) fills in and I fill in for her, pushing my work aside. If I am out for whatever reason, the vast majority of my work stays untouched. Usually, when something new comes up in our office, they give it to me to do. Of course they do - everyone else really and truly does not have the time or ability. It's why my job exists in the first place. I'm immensely overwhelmed. Going to El Salvador put me so far behind on my work. And now, twice, I've had to fill in for front desk since my trip. I. Am So. Behind. I don't feel like I'll catch up ever. They won't hire anyone else. I don't know how to reach out to my boss and tell him I'm drowning. I don't think he'll understand. I might get fired. Which I wouldn't mind so much if literally anyone else had reached back out to me after I submitted applications.
Nestor has been fun but he's temporary.
I haven't heard from Jonathan since November. He's MIA again. Normal honestly. And I'm not surprised he missed my birthday. But he's never missed Christmas before. I got worried. I reached out to Miles who says he's fine. I mean, what does Miles know, but at least on the surface everything is okay. If it's deeper than that I understand he needs his time. I just miss him. And hate that I've gotten zero word. He deleted facebook, hasn't responded to texts or calls, and hasn't even opened any snaps I sent (usually he leaves them read, but unopened for two months is new). I hate overreacting. But I also hate waiting for responses. I thought about dropping his Christmas present off at his house unannounced, but then I thought I should probably not do what his crazy ex girlfriend did. So. No contact. Guess I'll just wait and hope that he hasn't once again decided to cut me out of his life.
I haven't talked to you or your sister since I left Canada. Not really. Not that we all were super in contact before but it was something. Every now and again. A letter. A chat on messenger about whatever show we were watching. Something. I love the little snaps, and I love the Christmas card, and I love that you acknowledged my birthday post. But that's it. And I miss my best friend fiercely. I need a conversation. Your sister asked me back in September to deliver meds to your grandmother's house - that's it. No other anything since then. No birthday message, or thank you for my birthday message, truly no contact. I just assumed neither of you really check facebook messages anymore, or whatsapp. I don't know if you guys watch my videos anymore. I'm really truly genuinely hoping that's just my own anxiety and insecurity.
Seeing family was wonderful. Exhausting and kind of stressful, but wonderful. WOW did the roads in this country give me massive anxiety. So steep. So narrow. So windy. Mountainous. And NOBODY shows any courtesy. But it's okay. The country is beautiful. Growing and adapting and expanding rapidly. It's vibrant and full of color and music and life. But it never loses it's old charm. A lot is going on, a lot of changing, not all for the best. But what country is free of politics nowadays, right? It was good to feel so at home and so welcome. Not so great to have everyone talk about my weight? All good things. Everyone mentioned how pretty an skinny I was. Except for I've been thinner and also I'd like to not have those two words be synonymous and I know I haven't grown but is that really all anyone can say? And they joke about "don't overfeed her while she's here, don't make her gain weight" as if gaining weight would be the end of the world. Please don't do that, I'm trying so hard not to care about that and just enjoy my vacation. And also, if you're gonna make that joke, then maybe stop feeding me so much? I know it's like Latino family rule to overfeed all guests but you literally just told all my other relatives not to do that soo... I dunno. Not a great feeling.
My uncle, who is a doctor and IN NO WAY meant to offend me, started talking to me about my acne. It's gotten bad, has been for most of 2017. And he mentioned I should care more about it - not for aesthetic reasons but usually because breakouts like mine mean something isn't right with my body. It could be a metabolism issue or something, who knows. He suggested going to a dermatologist. I reeeaallly don't want to. Which is too bad; I'll probably end up going. Thing is the face wash I use is helping, but it's not a topical issue. I'm pretty sure it's stress induced - which is never gonna go away - as well as hormonal. Except I don't want to try birth control. 'Cause money. And 'cause my period is SO regular and I know it super well and I don't want to mess with that. AAAAnnnddd 'cause I'm shallow and very scared of retaining water. Lol yay more weight fears. SO I am trying someting that I often hear works for people (despite the fact that I've changed diets SEVERAL times and my acne has not been noticeably affected): I am cutting dairy. Do you know how many things have milk, butter, or cheese? No cereal, pizza, yogurt, fro yo, ice cream, crema, cream cheese, butter, sandwiches with cheese, chocolate, milk shakes, frappes, etc etc etc. This is toughhhhh yo. In the words of my Little, "at least there's feta"
My dad paid for my driver's ed classes. He took me out to drive for about a year. He gave me his car. He paid for the title at the MVA. He paid the down payment for my insurance and is paying 2/3 of the monthly payments for the next year. He bought my a laptop and carrying case for the holidays. He bought me my ticket to El Salvador. He spoils me. He has always spoiled me. Never been a supportive, attentive, loving father or really a good, selfless person in general, but he has always given me nice things. I have no right to complain. Despite the fact that he did all the driving things, not because I asked for it or wanted it, but because HE wanted me to learn. He ignored my crippling anxiety and did not bother to understand any of my mental health problems. When I let him know I didn't want to drive, he just said I was weird and needed to get over it. So I put up with it. Because Lyft is expensive, the bus isn't reliable, I'm tired of being a burden, and I have places to get to. So driving is the only option. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick but I do it. And I'm supposed to be grateful to him for putting me in this situation because honestly I have it so much easier than most people. I legit feel like I'm not allowed to complain. And when I asked for the money to be put in my bank account so I could make a single payment, he agreed to it and told me not to pay yet because he wanted to see the booklet. Fine. Comes over on the 23rd, payment is due to 25th. He gets mad 'cause I should've told him it was on the 25th so we could do it sooner. Except I did? And so did the insurance agent the day we signed up?! But ok, he admits he forgot, not a big deal. So he starts making the payment from his account straight to the insurance. Which is not what we agreed and I had already told him what I wanted. I ask what he's doing, he shows me and says that I should do it, too. So of course I have an attitude and I'm upset - I feel ignored. He could've at least consulted with me if he didn't like my way of doing it. But he gets mad that I speak to him disrespectfully because he's trying to help me. And he's right. He's doing me a favor. So we do it his way and go through the bank. This is how it's going to be for the year. His way makes our payment a day late. Wouldn't have been the case if we did it my way, even with us waiting until the 23rd. But I can't complain. I can no longer complain.
I now work front desk at my office. In addition to everything else I did. If a front desk person is missing, I push all my work aside and help up front (even though I don't feel like much help). If a nurse is missing, Heidi (one of the front desk girls) fills in and I fill in for her, pushing my work aside. If I am out for whatever reason, the vast majority of my work stays untouched. Usually, when something new comes up in our office, they give it to me to do. Of course they do - everyone else really and truly does not have the time or ability. It's why my job exists in the first place. I'm immensely overwhelmed. Going to El Salvador put me so far behind on my work. And now, twice, I've had to fill in for front desk since my trip. I. Am So. Behind. I don't feel like I'll catch up ever. They won't hire anyone else. I don't know how to reach out to my boss and tell him I'm drowning. I don't think he'll understand. I might get fired. Which I wouldn't mind so much if literally anyone else had reached back out to me after I submitted applications.
Nestor has been fun but he's temporary.
I haven't heard from Jonathan since November. He's MIA again. Normal honestly. And I'm not surprised he missed my birthday. But he's never missed Christmas before. I got worried. I reached out to Miles who says he's fine. I mean, what does Miles know, but at least on the surface everything is okay. If it's deeper than that I understand he needs his time. I just miss him. And hate that I've gotten zero word. He deleted facebook, hasn't responded to texts or calls, and hasn't even opened any snaps I sent (usually he leaves them read, but unopened for two months is new). I hate overreacting. But I also hate waiting for responses. I thought about dropping his Christmas present off at his house unannounced, but then I thought I should probably not do what his crazy ex girlfriend did. So. No contact. Guess I'll just wait and hope that he hasn't once again decided to cut me out of his life.
I haven't talked to you or your sister since I left Canada. Not really. Not that we all were super in contact before but it was something. Every now and again. A letter. A chat on messenger about whatever show we were watching. Something. I love the little snaps, and I love the Christmas card, and I love that you acknowledged my birthday post. But that's it. And I miss my best friend fiercely. I need a conversation. Your sister asked me back in September to deliver meds to your grandmother's house - that's it. No other anything since then. No birthday message, or thank you for my birthday message, truly no contact. I just assumed neither of you really check facebook messages anymore, or whatsapp. I don't know if you guys watch my videos anymore. I'm really truly genuinely hoping that's just my own anxiety and insecurity.
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