On Lurking

Lurking is important. I mean, it's how you find things out. When someone asks you out, you lurk. You see if you should give this person a chance or if there's no way it will work. When you find someone cute, you lurk. You search for reasons to continue pursuit or cease and desist. When your friend talks about someone you don't know, you lurk. You get your first impression and you now have a basis as you imagine the events your friend describes.

It's also how you learn about the person who doesn't tell you everything. You lurk profile after profile. Social media network after network. Blog after blog after blog. To find more pictures, more quotes, clues about a sense of humor and an inner circle and "What's on your mind?". You find all the rants that we regret in the morning but have to type at 2AM.

And it feels obsessive. Because it kind of is. But you have to do it. You shouldn't have to. But you do. 'Cause it's not like this person is going to tell you what's really going on. So you have to figure it out yourself. Because all you want to do is help. To be included. To matter. To be a part of this person's life. Even if it's only as a friend, you want to be loved and cared for and thought of. And sure, you two catch up every now and again. How have you been? How's school? How's work? Have you seen you know who lately? Any big plans coming up? Nice. Nice. That's as good as it gets. And maybe that's all you really need to know anyway.

But that's not real. You can't tell what anyone's REALLY going through with just that. And you used to know! You used to be so close and involved and know everything the moment it happened. You used to swap stories and give advice and laugh and cry about everything. So why did it stop? And why are you now forced to figure out everything about this person's life through hashtags and reblogged quotes?

I only know of two people who this didn't happen to. Only two friends who still tell me everything and who I still tell all the details to. And who I don't have to go searching through page after page just to know what's going on. And I haven't seen them in years.

Fix You

A thing I've learned.

When you love someone, you want to help that person. You see pain and hurt and you hurt. You don't like it. You want to change it. And you focus a lot of your own energy in fixing whatever is wrong, even if it has nothing to do with you, because you feel like it's your job. You want to save someone.

But of course, you cannot. You can't save anyone but yourself. No one will save that person except that person. So the best you can do is help. Ease the process. Offer support and comfort. Smile. Love. Sometimes advise. Just be there. You can't glue the pieces together, but you can hand over the pieces and the glue.

When someone who is broken loves you, that person will WANT to be fixed. That person will try so super hard to fix every problem and stand tall and smile again. When someone loves you, your efforts are not wasted. The two of you work together. Maybe it doesn't all go away. Some cases are too serious to ever fully go away. But it gets better.

When you do all you can to comfort him, but it doesn't help... When you are always there to pick the pieces up and he brushes you off... When all you want to do is make the pain go away, but you end up feeling so powerless... It's probably because he doesn't love you enough to try and fix himself. You are not a strong enough motivation for him to be the best he can be for you. When he finds someone he loves, he will smile when they smile and they will protect each other. He's just not meant for you.

Shackled In My Embrace

You know what the problem with the music video for Latch is? You know why, despite the fascinating concept, great timing simplicity, fun lighting, and awesome song, a 4 minute video of people kissing is just not okay?

BECAUSE I'M BASOREXIC. Literally the only problem I have with this is that it's not happening to me.

See Previous Post

My fortune cookie today:

"If you chase two rabbits, both will escape"

Ping Pong Rebounding

See. Now I know what's going on. I have actual confirmation that I'm the worst.

I like both of them. To a degree. For different reasons. But I know neither one is going to happen because neither one likes me. So the more evident it is that I have no hope with one, the more I try with the other. The more persistent and flirtacious I get. And then I start dreaming some nonsense up. Until he proves me wrong. And then I switch. And neither of them know. And neither of them will work. And I just keep switching. Because I already know that I'm not going to end up with either one. They're both backups.

WTF SAMANTHA

Coming of Age

Will Jay is finally 18 today and words cannot express how happy I am that I am no longer creeping on minors.

Accurate Feels

WITH A SNES

Seriously. The best part of the video is the Super Nintendo

But this song so simply gets it haha