I'm a Puppy

I'm just like a puppy and I need lots of attention and hugs. We can replace petting with cuddles. And sometimes I need you to play with me, like Mario Kart or something. And I need you to take me out for walks. And I need you to take care of me sometimes and make sure I'm doing okay. And then compliment me when I'm good. And give me all the attention in the world 'cause I give a whole lot of love, and I really really like getting love back.

It Don't Work

The fact that I cannot hold a conversation with this child because everything from our interests to our senses of humor are different and we both joke and neither one of us gets it or delivers the lines right and it's just a hot mess.

Tell Me How Much Sense This Makes

>Likes boy
>Kinda obsesses over boy
>Gets over boy
>Spends 3 days in cabin with boy

-___-

Drinking Martinis Again On A Monday

In love in need
In want in miss
I taste your bite
I taste your kiss
 
And I think back
The things you said
They make me mad
A bull to red

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis by myself
On a Sunday
Drinking Martinis again
On a Monday

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

I buy your brand
I smoke your brand
I count the what - ifs on one hand

And I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you wore
And I'm lost inside a bar
And I'm drunk inside a war
And I wonder where you are

Drinking Martinis alone
Sunday morning
Drinking Martinis again
Sunday evening

It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life
It's a half life

And I wonder where you are

The Part That Kills Me

I SEE IT ALL HAPPENING! I'm not oblivious to you're situation. I am actually quite aware. To be honest, I don't know all the details. Of course not, 'cause you've told me nothing. And it's not really my place to ask because you'll tell me whatever it is you want me to know and nothing more. And see usually that's fine and I respect that and I'm okay with it. But you VENT to a BLOG, as I do here. The difference is I always talk about it, I don't just post and keep it in. Because that gets no one nowhere. And, should someone come across this blog one day, I am MORE THAN WILLING to explain my thoughts on whatever the situation may be. You are not. Your life story is all on social media with convenient links to the source of your heart ache.

I get it. I can't help you. I'm more than willing to know and learn and be there for you. But you don't want me to be. Which I get. I've been there. Sometimes even our closest friends can't help or change anything (not that I'm a close friend, but I hope I'm at least a friend). Sometimes it really is just between you and that one other person and only that person can make it better or make a difference. When you complain about having no one, you don't actually mean you have no one. You mean you're parents are annoying, your friends try but they don't get it, and that one person just does not love you the way you love them. And anyone who DOES want to be there for you is honestly not who you want to talk to right now.

And I know that's where I'm at. I get it and I promise I'm not even mad! The part that AGGRAVATES me is that ALL I WANT TO DO IS GRAB YOU BY THE FACE AND TELL YOU THAT ITS ALL OKAY AND IT ALL GOES AWAY. BECAUSE THE MORE YOU VENT, THE MORE I SEE, AND THE MORE I REALIZE HOW FREAKING SIMILAR OUR STORIES REALLY ARE.

And I want so badly to tell you it gets better. That you, of ALL people, know God has a plan. And you have to trust it. Because sometimes two people who love each other aren't meant to be together. AND IT SUCKS! IT FREAKING SUCKS. Until it doesn't. Until that beautiful wonderful amazing moment where it doesn't suck anymore because you KNOW that this new path, as weird and confusing as it may be, is the right one. And after all that time it took you to reach this path, there's no way you'd ever go back to the old one. It took me SEVEN YEARS to find that path. If I'm not mistaken, you're just shy of that. IT'S A LONG JOURNEY, I KNOW. And you keep going back to the old one because oh man did it treat you right once upon a time. But it's possible. You said those words to me before. It's so so possible. You know what else is possible? Laughing at the old path. Looking back. Realizing how ridiculous it was. Seeing those wonderful beautiful memories on that old path with fondness and a bit of nostalgia. And then shrugging it off and pressing on.

And maybe you don't need to find a new path. Maybe you're a lucky one. In all honesty, I think you might be. I see a desire to change, to improve, to be better. That's what happens when people actually love each other. I don't know if it will work. Maybe you'll get that change and have a happy ending together. I believe in that and I hope it does happen. But if not, I know that you're both capable of your own happy endings. And I know you won't see this. And I know that even if you did, not a bit of it would help. Because you need to figure it out on your own. You need to get your own closure and fix these problems in a way only you can. And you will. You will.

Mantra

My name is Samantha Arana, and I am done chasing rabbits

On Lurking

Lurking is important. I mean, it's how you find things out. When someone asks you out, you lurk. You see if you should give this person a chance or if there's no way it will work. When you find someone cute, you lurk. You search for reasons to continue pursuit or cease and desist. When your friend talks about someone you don't know, you lurk. You get your first impression and you now have a basis as you imagine the events your friend describes.

It's also how you learn about the person who doesn't tell you everything. You lurk profile after profile. Social media network after network. Blog after blog after blog. To find more pictures, more quotes, clues about a sense of humor and an inner circle and "What's on your mind?". You find all the rants that we regret in the morning but have to type at 2AM.

And it feels obsessive. Because it kind of is. But you have to do it. You shouldn't have to. But you do. 'Cause it's not like this person is going to tell you what's really going on. So you have to figure it out yourself. Because all you want to do is help. To be included. To matter. To be a part of this person's life. Even if it's only as a friend, you want to be loved and cared for and thought of. And sure, you two catch up every now and again. How have you been? How's school? How's work? Have you seen you know who lately? Any big plans coming up? Nice. Nice. That's as good as it gets. And maybe that's all you really need to know anyway.

But that's not real. You can't tell what anyone's REALLY going through with just that. And you used to know! You used to be so close and involved and know everything the moment it happened. You used to swap stories and give advice and laugh and cry about everything. So why did it stop? And why are you now forced to figure out everything about this person's life through hashtags and reblogged quotes?

I only know of two people who this didn't happen to. Only two friends who still tell me everything and who I still tell all the details to. And who I don't have to go searching through page after page just to know what's going on. And I haven't seen them in years.

Fix You

A thing I've learned.

When you love someone, you want to help that person. You see pain and hurt and you hurt. You don't like it. You want to change it. And you focus a lot of your own energy in fixing whatever is wrong, even if it has nothing to do with you, because you feel like it's your job. You want to save someone.

But of course, you cannot. You can't save anyone but yourself. No one will save that person except that person. So the best you can do is help. Ease the process. Offer support and comfort. Smile. Love. Sometimes advise. Just be there. You can't glue the pieces together, but you can hand over the pieces and the glue.

When someone who is broken loves you, that person will WANT to be fixed. That person will try so super hard to fix every problem and stand tall and smile again. When someone loves you, your efforts are not wasted. The two of you work together. Maybe it doesn't all go away. Some cases are too serious to ever fully go away. But it gets better.

When you do all you can to comfort him, but it doesn't help... When you are always there to pick the pieces up and he brushes you off... When all you want to do is make the pain go away, but you end up feeling so powerless... It's probably because he doesn't love you enough to try and fix himself. You are not a strong enough motivation for him to be the best he can be for you. When he finds someone he loves, he will smile when they smile and they will protect each other. He's just not meant for you.