Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I Am Scared
I was thinking about the person who said those awful things to me back in... April I guess it was. I've kinda made my peace with it. I know that person won't like me and that's fine. We can still be civil, it's not a big deal. But it just scared me to think about how many other people may feel that way. And how many of my friends I may end up losing. And then, today, to see Jason's status just did it. He posted something about Lootcrate making him cringe. The monthly subscription that other people get because it has fun, cute items from various places related to their interests... makes him cringe. Is he that much of a hipster? Is he so terribly affected by the happiness of others? Why can't he ever be happy for someone or post something positive or dare to like what other people like instead of always criticizing every little thing? But the thing is there is no point in me saying anything because then he'll say I'm being ridiculous and taking it too seriously. He might even go as far as to think what the previous person thought. I dunno. I guess I don't want that negativity in my life anyway. But then, who else is like that? How many people am I gonna have to let go of? I'm so bad at that. How many people? Put that on top of Margie not wanting to leave Japan and Charlotte too busy with Spencer and the girls I grew up with all entirely different people now and my church never helping me feel like I belong and even LuzKarime just being far too busy at all times. I haven't felt this lonely in a while. And it hurts. And I'm sure there's plenty of people I can count on that I know will always be there for me. But it's hard to think right now. And I just wanna cry. And I don't even know who to cry to. And I hate being this clingy little mess that I've always been. I hate feeling like I don't matter.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Take Me Back
I have worked SO VERY HARD with my counselor. I have told myself that I don't need makeup. That I don't care whether or not people like how I look. What matters is if I like it and if I'm happy. And I may not yet, but I will soon. I need to focus on me. And I said no makeup. I don't need it. And it makes my skin break out even more, which only adds more things I dislike. I will be fine without it.
Mommy disagreed. And did not let me leave the house today for church until I agreed to put on makeup. I kept telling her I didn't want to and she said I needed to. I said I would if apparently I looked so bad. She only told me to hurry. I sat in the car applying foundation and doing all I could not to cry. Wouldn't want our mascara to run, now would we?
She completely derailed all of the work I had done this semester in a few minutes. Mind you, I can't tell her I went to counseling 'cause then she'll get nosy and think something about me is wrong and blame herself as a parent, all victimized. And I just don't need that. So here I go. Away from counseling. Back with mommy.
It is such a terrible feeling, going to church in a foul mood. It affects everything you take in that day. And when I was talking to Samira, who CONTINUES to go through her issues and I have no way to help her, my mom peeks in. She asks if we can go. I say no, I have to rehearse. She says they're rehearsing right now. I said no, they will start in two minutes, I will be right there. She says no, right now. Sammy, they are rehearsing right now, I saw them. So I have to leave Samira when she is at her lowest. And I can almost guarantee that when I left, my mom started asking Samira what was wrong, not understanding that if she wanted to talk to her she would've done so.
I get in the car after a long rehearsal and mommy is asking questions, which I answer in a short tone. She doesn't like it and I ask her if we can just not talk. Which she refuses and just doesn't get because she did nothing wrong and what don't I want to talk about? I say I don't want to talk about anything. I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk and I'd rather not snap at her for something she didn't do (even though it's 93% because of her, 7% because people don't know how to pick a tempo properly). She gets pissy, but it's the same as always. Time passes. I start to cool down, still want to cry, but I'm calming down. I ask her what she wants to watch during lunch. She says nothing. So we eat in silence. I ask her when I can start to take excess clothes out of my closet and where to leave them. No response. She doesn't speak to me until after lunch when she says she's going to work, which she never does on a Sunday, and if I want to leave to let her know.
Lord, I do not know what You have in mind for this Summer. I don't know where You're taking me. But if I get a vote, I want You to take me back. Please take me back to McDaniel.
Mommy disagreed. And did not let me leave the house today for church until I agreed to put on makeup. I kept telling her I didn't want to and she said I needed to. I said I would if apparently I looked so bad. She only told me to hurry. I sat in the car applying foundation and doing all I could not to cry. Wouldn't want our mascara to run, now would we?
She completely derailed all of the work I had done this semester in a few minutes. Mind you, I can't tell her I went to counseling 'cause then she'll get nosy and think something about me is wrong and blame herself as a parent, all victimized. And I just don't need that. So here I go. Away from counseling. Back with mommy.
It is such a terrible feeling, going to church in a foul mood. It affects everything you take in that day. And when I was talking to Samira, who CONTINUES to go through her issues and I have no way to help her, my mom peeks in. She asks if we can go. I say no, I have to rehearse. She says they're rehearsing right now. I said no, they will start in two minutes, I will be right there. She says no, right now. Sammy, they are rehearsing right now, I saw them. So I have to leave Samira when she is at her lowest. And I can almost guarantee that when I left, my mom started asking Samira what was wrong, not understanding that if she wanted to talk to her she would've done so.
I get in the car after a long rehearsal and mommy is asking questions, which I answer in a short tone. She doesn't like it and I ask her if we can just not talk. Which she refuses and just doesn't get because she did nothing wrong and what don't I want to talk about? I say I don't want to talk about anything. I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk and I'd rather not snap at her for something she didn't do (even though it's 93% because of her, 7% because people don't know how to pick a tempo properly). She gets pissy, but it's the same as always. Time passes. I start to cool down, still want to cry, but I'm calming down. I ask her what she wants to watch during lunch. She says nothing. So we eat in silence. I ask her when I can start to take excess clothes out of my closet and where to leave them. No response. She doesn't speak to me until after lunch when she says she's going to work, which she never does on a Sunday, and if I want to leave to let her know.
Lord, I do not know what You have in mind for this Summer. I don't know where You're taking me. But if I get a vote, I want You to take me back. Please take me back to McDaniel.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Summer Plans
Just to write it down.
I want to get a job. But still have time to work out. And learn to drive. And go to driving school. And renew my permit. And be involved with church stuff. And visit my sister and niece all the time. And still make interesting youtube videos. And download/transfer all my music.
I also wanna have time for myself. To bum around and watch movies. Like, I need to watch ALL the Marvel movies this summer. And catch up with Doctor Who. I also wanna read at least 3 books. And of course stay caught up with all my youtubers. And Red vs Blue. And all the other Rooster Teeth stuff. And My Little Pony. And Naruto Shippuden. And Game of Thrones, even if it did piss me tf off.
I also wanna have some time to actually hang out with Jonathan. And Kimberly. And Rose. And Shelly. Jason. Storm. Alex. Harrison. Margie. Charlotte. Spencer. Mandy. Evan. Fabrizio. Xabiel? Emily. Jess. All of them. At least once. And then Skype you of course. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Uysh.
That's doable, right? Summer is three months.
I want to get a job. But still have time to work out. And learn to drive. And go to driving school. And renew my permit. And be involved with church stuff. And visit my sister and niece all the time. And still make interesting youtube videos. And download/transfer all my music.
I also wanna have time for myself. To bum around and watch movies. Like, I need to watch ALL the Marvel movies this summer. And catch up with Doctor Who. I also wanna read at least 3 books. And of course stay caught up with all my youtubers. And Red vs Blue. And all the other Rooster Teeth stuff. And My Little Pony. And Naruto Shippuden. And Game of Thrones, even if it did piss me tf off.
I also wanna have some time to actually hang out with Jonathan. And Kimberly. And Rose. And Shelly. Jason. Storm. Alex. Harrison. Margie. Charlotte. Spencer. Mandy. Evan. Fabrizio. Xabiel? Emily. Jess. All of them. At least once. And then Skype you of course. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Uysh.
That's doable, right? Summer is three months.
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