Beliefs, Growing Up, and Stardust

It's been a rough time. My usual distraction is the internet. Videos and silly pictures and all that. Obviously, right now is a very stupid time to look for comfort on the internet. It leaves you more angry and obsessed than ever.

I watch a lot of RWBY reactors. The thing is youtube is smart. Once you watch any RWBY related content, the recommended videos open you up to an entire community. Even if you only watch the original content, or one reactor, you'll come across all of them at some point. And if you're like me, you'll find a few that you enjoy. One of my favorites was a girl, 18 years old, by the name Lady Stardust. Apparently a big David Bowie fan, hence the name. No clue what her real name is. And honestly, that's a smart move on her part. Her reactions made me incredibly happy. I thought she was adorable. And she VERY QUICKLY got wrapped up in the world of this show and its fans. Her appreciation for its creators knew no bounds. And as you've experienced, few things make me happier than seeing others fall in love with the beautiful story Monty Oum dreamed up for us. I followed her on Twitter. I even shouted her out in a video.

The first thing that upset me was her shipping Adam and Blake. Something small. She'd talk about it in videos. She is a huge fan of villains, which I totally get. They're usually some of the most interesting characters. I think she's also a fan of villain redemption which, when done well, is such an exciting and complex story line. Look at Zuko in Avatar. Easily one of the more well developed characters and a major factor of the show's success. The difference here, as I mentioned about Jasper & Lapis in Steven Universe, is that it's an abusive relationship. This man traumatized her. Literally hurt her physically and mentally, and made her do things that have caused her to be reserved and afraid. He haunted her thoughts, and when she thought of him, she'd get scared. When she saw him, there was absolute terror in every part of her body. He made her feel powerless while hurting her and those she cared about, claiming it was out of love. He forced her to believe she needed him and tried to punish her for following her own beliefs. Even if he changed completely, how do you erase several years of trauma? You don't. And more often than not, in real life, forgiving your abuser and giving them more chances results in more abuse. Many people stay with their abusers because they are afraid, convinced they are worthless without them, or feel like they have no other choice. Which is why that kind of pairing is unacceptable. Putting a victim in a romantic relationship with a previous abuser implies that those actions can be easily forgiven and forgotten. Not only is it untrue, but it's harmful in that it almost supports the abuser's ability to strike again. These shows are smarter than to place their characters in that kind of captivity after they fought so hard to go away. It saddens me that the lady would think otherwise. The ship itself is called "Animal Abuse". Is that not telling enough?

The next thing was that she is an adamant anti-feminist, and referred to feminism as a bullying movement. I'm going to be honest, this made me extraordinarily uncomfortable, but I didn't blame her. She wants to be a stay at home mom. She graduated high school and is not going to college. That's not a common goal anymore, but if that's what makes her happy then that is absolutely what she should pursue. For a very long time, many people who have identified themselves as feminist have been cruel to her about her decision, saying that she should be ashamed and that women should me "more" than "just" a mom, as if motherhood wasn't already the world's hardest job. I'd be upset with people, too, if they had the nerve to talk down to me like that. The feminism I know says that a woman can be absolutely anything she wants, be it a rocket scientist or a house wife. The only stipulation is that it be 100% the woman's own choice and not be based on a man's opinion or command, or the idea that women are incapable of doing something else. That also means not letting other women tell her what she can and can't do. The choice should be 100% hers. The lady has unfortunately not been exposed to that kind of feminism, so she's obviously against it. I get it. I was anti-feminist at 18, too! The people in my life who called themselves feminists were rude and promoted misandry (or man hating) rather than feminism. They were angry and yelled their beliefs rather than calmly explain them to those who did not understand. They never took the time to approach another perspective, they only made you feel bad for not believing what they did. Additionally, I lived a privileged life with not many girls I was close to, and SEVERAL guy friends who were insanely respectful and I never dealt with any kind of oppression myself, so I made the self-centered assumption that other women were making it up. I stood up for my boys rather than try to understand someone else, and I refused to become like the bad examples. I knew that feminism was SUPPOSED to be for equality, but was not comfortable supporting a movement where no one could actually practice what they preached. Thankfully, I went to McDaniel. Not only did I learn about the varying forms of oppression that women in all parts of the world experience, but I met those good examples that I so desperately needed. They took the time to talk to me and show me things. I now saw how essential these beliefs were, and that they honestly were never too different from my own. Now I had a movement with which I could identify, and I was able to open my mind and my eyes to hardships that I now feel it is my responsibility to fight against. I never would have had that if I hadn't gone to college and gotten a whole new experience. And suddenly, I was concerned that the lady may never get the exposure necessary to help her understand. Especially since, try as I might, there's no way I could have a productive conversation in 140 characters.

I was a little off-put by her description of veganism. She's a vegan in terms of what she does and does not eat, but she doesn't call herself one. She says the vegan community has become rather toxic and tends to be hateful to those who don't adopt their beliefs. Honestly, I can agree with that. And I understand the idea of wanting to separate yourself from a harmful environment, even if you have things in common with those involved. I appreciated the mentality and the desire to grow towards improvement. I don't know if complete denial is the best idea. But I can't think of my own solution that works better, so until then I'll let the discomfort brush off.

So to get you hip on useless celebrity drama. Ariana Grande has been posting lots of pictures of herself lately. One had a caption basically calling herself the hardest working 23 year old on Earth. The public was not too amused. To a degree, ok, I get it. Soldiers and students and lawyers and doctors work their butts off. But I think people are overreacting. Hyperbole is real, friends. Also, maybe she isn't the world's greatest person and she definitely can be a bit of a diva. But, after releasing a single with her boyfriend, she completed her dream role in Hairspray, released a single with Stevie Wonder for SING, is working on ANOTHER single of an iconic song with John Legend for Beauty & the Beast, and is planning her Dangerous Woman tour with constant rehearsals and meetings. She's slaying the game right now and is one of Hollywood's most talked about vocalists. I think she's allowed to be proud of herself for running around and getting ish done. The lady was one of many who did not feel this way. I replied to a tweet of hers, saying Grande was most likely joking, to which she said it was irresponsible of a spoiled celebrity to joke that way. Umm. Sure? So I mentioned the above, and how I'm almost 23 and haven't accomplished nearly as much. Let's be real. Most of us aren't soldiers or doctors or lawyers and are still with our parents. Again, no shame in that game but like she should be proud! Lady's response was something to the effect of being unimpressed by her parading back and forth on stage and doing more songs with another pop star. "Meh". So it clicked. It made sense. My life is performance and I know that its EXHAUSTING to be constantly singing in front of giant crowds AND planning all of the events with multiple different designers AND working on other people's stuff. Not to mention, you don't get to work with talents as big as Wonder or Legend just by asking nicely. That is a true testament of how others view the work you do within your own craft. Again, she may not be the best out there but she's working so hard and, knowing what I do about that lifestyle, I appreciate it. Someone else who has no clue probably just sees it as showing off and getting to travel and have fun. It's about how you value arts and performance. I definitely see that you can still have to work your butt off, even if the work is enjoyable and rewarding, but okay. Again. Not something you can explain in 140 characters (obviously ^^^^^^^^). So I thanked the lady for her response. If nothing else, I appreciate that she's willing to converse with others in an effective and calm way.

TODAY IS THE INAUGURATION. She's thrilled. Her support for Trump is clearly through the roof. She's emotional and glad to be a part of this moment in history. Honestly. Her happiness knows no bounds. I'm slightly confused because I thought she was Canadian. She's been posting stuff against Trudeau all week. But she's apparently got a Trump hat that she dawned proudly for the occasion, and she tweeted something about wanting Trump's speech tattooed on her body. Hyperbole, I assume. I'm reading these little posts and seeing how ready she is for our new president. And it occurs to me that I can no longer support her. Not her videos or her social media. And I am so upset that I think this way. She's 18 and young and has a whole lot of time to learn about the world and its complexities, and she's always entitled to her own beliefs! Besides, what do I care what she believes?! She's a random person on the internet who has zero impact on my personal life or the life of anyone I know. I shouldn't be affected. But I am. I am because she's not alone. And a young Latina woman, such as the Lady, may not understand the consequences of the aforementioned decisions and what her public voice may do for/to others. But I understand. And I don't think I can watch it anymore. I'm going to be petty and keep following her so she doesn't know that she lost followers in direct relation to her political beliefs. And I'm going to be petty and post this novel here. Because there is no where else I can adequately vent without being hurtful or harmful. I don't wish her any malice. I genuinely want the best for her and those like her. I want to spread love and positivity in all directions, and so I'd rather not place this somewhere that people actually bother to read. I think I really just want you to read this and say "wow, she sounds like a lot, and I get it, but calm down Sammy it really doesn't matter". Today is significant for everyone in a multitude of ways. The next few years will define this country and its people. I wish strength to all those in need of it. I hope we are all able to distance ourselves from those who cause us stress or hurt in any form, and that we can spread love and respect to even them. And that starts with me.

I Had 4 Dreams Last Night

Well really two, but the first one was split into three major scenes.

I was dating Jason Hernandez. 2 years older, skateboarding, smokes weed, listens to rap Jason Hernandez. The kid I had a crush on in my sophomore year of high school before dating Harrison, and who I have not seen since. Granted, we've been talking recently. And by talking I mean maybe a message a day or every other day. Through facebook cause we don't even have each other's numbers. And 0% of it is flirting. We talk about work and holidays and our nieces. But okay, in this dream we're dating. I'm hoping he looks like he did back in 2010 when he shaved, but I don't know because I never see him. It's just a lot of text conversation back and forth. Through some weird app or something, I dunno. All I know for certain is I'm dating Jason. I open Snapchat.

I'm suddenly talking to Nick. On Snapchat. Sort of. Imagine Instagram, picture on the left, text on the right, except there's no comments, it's just messages and the messaging format looks like Snapchat, with the red and blue and all that. So he's sending me messages and sending me pics and both sides just scroll up as the messages come in. And he says we need to talk. Like, finally have that talk he said we would have once he got my letter. And at this point I've given up (just like in real life) but for some reason in the dream I'm angry about it, like okAY if you KEEP SAYING it then this time we are GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT. And then the pics are of his family? Like mom and sister and cousins and nephews. And me, not understanding what dream social media this is, is trying to click the images but I don't know if that will make them go away. But it makes them bigger. And suddenly I'm in the world of the picture. I'm there. And I don't know any of these people, only through Nick's stories. But I love them and I miss them, and they are forgetting me. I don't matter to any of them and it hurts profoundly. I figure it's because we didn't stay together, so they didn't feel the need to think about me. But I felt so ignored, almost hated. And I wanted so desperately for them to like me.

I'm in a truck, seated in the passenger's seat. Looking back on it I think it might be Nick's, but in the dream all I know is little Sammy is in a massive truck on the top of a super steep hill. There are cars parked all along both sides of the road. Gravity wins and I go down the hill. I hit. So. Many. Cars. The emergency breaks just refuse to work. I try to crawl into the seat and actually drive/break but I am always just short of the time I need. It like rewinds several times, and each time it's a different accident. And I think I'm trying to drive to Nick's house to see his family, but I have no idea how I can get there with all these cars in the way. I wake up shaken and scared.

I'm watching one of my favorite youtubers. She's filming a video. It's almost pornographic in nature and I can't tell if she's with her boyfriend or another friend of hers. The actions are definitely a lot, but the atmosphere and everything is so casual? My brain registered this as completely normal. Not even arousing. Normal casual indifferent. Her family was there while it was being filmed. Sometimes offering commentary. It was the most normal thing in the world even though in reality it's crude and far too intimate to be a public moment, much less a recorded one for the public of youtube. I think in their minds it might've been some kind of artistic statement or something. They complained about one aunt who talked too much. But other than that, the deed was done and no one batted an eyelash. They all went their separate ways and, even though it was for his channel, she wanted to put it on her own too, so she filmed a little vlog for the end bit. And then I woke up. Wondering what the heck I had eaten or watched or whatever.