Leaving Our Hearts At McDaniel

I spent seven years somewhere with Jonathan. I still don't know when I fell in love with him. Maybe not until college, or until summer of 2010 when we had our huge fight, or after we broke up after middle school, or maybe the first time I heard him play piano in that choir room in 7th grade. Point is I fell in love. And, with the help of his horrible ex girlfriend, I learned that he wasn't meant for me and I wasn't meant for him. In a matter of months, I felt cleansed. It was one of the greatest joys I'd ever known. That freedom felt so beautiful. And I thought it had passed. 

Until April 22, when he managed to shatter my heart unknowingly. I never expected it and I wasn't ready. But my resolve didn't change. I knew we didn't work together and nothing would change that, and so I needn't bother to try. I'd continue my life. And I prayed that this pain would pass. 

It hasn't yet. I don't want the fun that we had or the fooling around because it feels empty. We joke and we flirt and we talk about doing whatever, but at the end of the day the only person I want any of that with is Nick. Jonathan may be the best there is, but it feels like a whole different thing with Nick. I want someone who wants me, and who needs it to be me. Someone who isn't satisfied with anyone else. Someone who will be there after the fun. And Jonathan can never give that to me. So my feelings will have to pass, one day, somehow. I want to be happy with someone else. 

And the jealousy I feel when I think of who could make Jonathan happy? The hurt and the pain when I realize it will never be me and it may very well Stephanie, who I never wanted him to even speak to? I need that to pass. I need that to go away. Because today, when he mentioned her name, I froze. It wasn't the level of fear of hurt that Samie caused, nowhere near that. But he knows how much I fear that relationship, and he's crushing on her anyway. Maybe my initial fear of them was because I still loved him and didn't know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I think they're wrong for each other. And if I'm right, I have to watch them get hurt. And if he's right, then I get hurt.

What's more, he is so hurt about her turning him down that I feel like I can't reach him. I'm once again afraid of being nothing more than a distraction and a convenience. Because I'm the girl who always comes back. And I NEED that to pass. I can't let him make me feel like that again. He doesn't even know he does it, and I know if I told him then he would just never mention any other girl ever again, which isn't what I want. I just don't get why we both had to leave our hearts at McDaniel. It was already so hard for me to imagine going back and seeing Nick and not being able to kiss him and hold his hand and laugh with him like we did, but now I have to see Stephanie as the girl I can't compare to. I mean what am I to Jonathan? Why, if he can try for someone he barely knows, could he never try for me? He can hit on me and hook up with me and whatever else but it's never anything real. Why does it have to be her? Why can't I convince him that she's no good for him? And why does she have to turn him down? If she'd said yes, he could've figured this out on his own. But now he'll just want her more and miss her more and count her as one of the few genuine girls he had feelings for. Was I ever one of them? Am I the one night stand girl to him? Did him ever feel something for me?

The worst part is I want him to love me because I love him, and I want us both to move on completely together. And I want to be with Nick and know that I get all the fun and crazy and passionate stuff I got with Jonathan, but it means more because this person whole heartedly loves me. And I don't want to miss Jonathan and think about what would've happened if we were together. I want to know that nothing Jonathan could've been for me would ever be what Nick is to me. And I want to watch you be happy and know that you're much happier with someone else than I ever could've made you. I want us all to be the happiest we can be and I want the hurt to stop.  Why does that all feel so impossible?

Overdue Conversations

My mom and I got into a fight. A fight that further confirmed we will never fully get along. Which is not okay for a mother and daughter, especially ones who walk in the faith. But I just do not like her as a person. Like, I adore her as a mother and I respect her as as guardian and a guide. But if she were some person I worked with or went to school with, we would not get along. Coping with that is hard. And it leads to arguments like today where we both get our feelings hurt and we both play the victim and no progress is made. But it forced me to tell her about my depression, finally. She knows now. She thought I was depressed about specific situations. She didn't know the severity. And I absolutely hate to think this is now a thing she has to live with and think about frequently and pray about. Like. Ugh. This is now her burden. And she's making sure I see a counselor regularly. Which is not what I wanted. But honestly, I needed it. I'm grateful. I need this. I need to prioritize my health. So, maybe it's good we fought.

I had a meltdown. I sobbed. I freaked out. I texted Nick. And he was there for me almost immediately. He comforted me a little but mostly just spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and handle this, and he talked me through some steps, more or less. It was so nice to know that he was there for me and he cared. And then the conversation was over 'cause he went to bed. And I felt really, really empty. It's crazy, the effect he has on my body and my mind. This is my life now.

Blessings In Disguise (Pt. 2)

Angelique has never been my favorite person. That's a lie. She was once. But it's been a very long time. And after the major mistake I made in November, I felt our relationship was absolutely broken. I thought I'd ruined everything forever, and I felt so guilty when I saw her that it made me physically ill. I was learning to cope with the idea that we'd never be able to exist in the same space comfortably. And within the formality of church, that seemed like it was just my new reality.

Ang is filling in at work this week. Since so many people have been on vacation, she was called to help out around the office. She's had several positions in the office before, so she can handle it. She's done with her summer job with her school so now she's fully available to work at the office temporarily and even go to our church again. I was kind of devastated when I found out. I was scared to be at work. I wanted to count down the days until she left again. But it's not necessary. I don't know if it's the different setting or what, but everything is just so much easier. We can joke with each other. We can have genuine conversations. We work together. And it's pleasant. The whole thing feels so easy. I don't feel any animosity. And that's all I've wanted for so long. I wanted God to take those negative feelings away and help us support one another despite our different paths in life. I finally feel okay doing that.

I don't expect us to be best friends now. We're far too different. We barely see each other. There's a lot of things she says and believes that I just can't support or agree with. I'm not entirely too keen on getting close to someone who posts about #AllLivesMatter or makes every conversation about her school or her boyfriend. But we're friendly. We're civil. We can move past the idiotic mistakes we (I) made and love one another as we're called to do. I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. But I do. Finally.