Secret Blogs

You haven't written in yours in ages. I wonder if you still read mine.

7/11/17

One year ago, I was trying not to throw up, downing cheesecake to feel better, doing all I could to hold back tears. The wait to be home felt eternal. I had good people looking out for me. I know Margie was very concerned for me, and that Joshy and Jess had my back. Michael stayed up with me until 4 in the morning. One year ago was one of my lowest points ever.

I'm not there anymore.

It's Late and I Travel Tomorrow - Er.. Today

The fact that I'm not closer with Angelique will always bother me. Because it's 100% my fault. We were good. And then I kinda didn't trust her. And then I became incredibly jealous. And then I just didn't believe her ever. And then I went and ruined everything with unnecessary harshness and hypocritical judgement and an insane lack of compassion. And then I drowned in regret. And then I distanced myself because that's what I do when people don't like me. And then I realized she was distant with everyone so maybe she wasn't still mad - but that didn't stop me from blaming myself SLASH she was totally still mad, at least enough to bring the incident up again. And then we were civil. And then we were actually okay. And then I learned that I disagree with her politics and just a lot of what she believes as a person so, had we not had history, I wouldn't want to be friends with her. And then she went back to school. And then I didn't try. And then I tried way too hard. And then I got scared for her as I learned more about her situation, of course not from her, and I wanted her to know that despite everything I was still there for her. And then nothing changed. She kept being a kind, civil person and treating me well because why wouldn't she? And I kept acting like everything was fine because I wouldn't I? And everything leading up to her wedding made me realize that I was not her friend. Like, she did not see me as a friend. Because why would she? And then I didn't even bother to take pictures with her at the wedding because WHY WOULD I SEEK OUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME ON THE DAY WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPL SHE LOVES. And then I felt guilty because maybe I should've tried harder. And now they're married and I know nothing, because why should I? And it's weird because we're supposed to be family in Christ but... I genuinely don't know how much of our relationship was ever real. I didn't fake all of it. Especially in the beginning, I felt close to her and grateful for her presence in my life. So much happened. I hate that things happen. But hey. Idalis feels like a stranger, too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised I'm not in any wedding pictures. Honestly, I shouldn't have been invited.

I want to see Jess first, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to talk to Michael again soon.