Ironic that he left because he thought he'd come between me and my faith, but being with him I finally felt safe to be honest about my devotion. I haven't been as close to God as I was then, not since the breakup. Ironic. If this was a test, I've failed it.
It's not even loneliness, 'cause I don't feel like I need a boyfriend. But part of me wants to be needed. And I'm not. 'Cause everyone's moving on and doing just fine. And good. Finally. I don't have to worry about leading him on anymore, he can go focus on someone else now. But he doesn't need me. No one really does that way. Even physically. 'Cause the two people who are fine hooking up with me have plenty of other options, too. I just make it easy for them. I'm out of "hood rats" so to speak.
I wonder if she's petty on purpose. I do not know what I did to her but I would love to know. Or if she doesn't care about me at all and this is just her personality, I'd like to know that, too. It might humble me a bit. Maybe even help me obsess a little less.
I'm exhausted. So I feel numb. But now I'm tired of being numb. I just don't have enough motivation to change anything.
Someone get me out of this job. But like. Don't fire me. Please give me a better job. Please let me find something that fills me. I want to leave but I'm not prepared to be unemployed.
I almost don't want to keep this channel up anymore.
My greatest joy now is seeing RWBY succeed. Every time I see a new announcement, a new poster, a new event, anything that reminds me of how massive it's gotten globally and just how loved it is, I think of Monty. I wish there was some way for him to know what he created and that all of this happened because of him. I wish I could love what I did as much as Monty did. He's an inspiration.
