I'm panicking about my hypocrisy.
I always sit here and talk about how important religion is to me. How I need to be with a Christian guy, and that God has to be the center of our relationship. When it's not a relationship, I dare to fool around and outright ignore Him. It's not like I forget. I don't come home and realize. I tune His voice out and then pretend He will forgive me.
I feel like the only guy who should be counted as Christian is Nestor. And that wasn't even real. It was a figment of my imagination, my wishful thinking, my ignorance of God's plan for me. I pretended He wanted this when He made it clear earlier that it wasn't for me. Nestor may have been good for me but I could do nothing for him. I'd never help him grow. Matt and Andrew may have been Christian, but they lived in ways I couldn't condone, and I am unsure how those who fear God would. Regardless, they would not have helped me grow. I would have stayed comfortable, pretending that my relationship with God was stronger because I was with a man who identified as Christian. It takes more than that. Besides, not a single one of them was real. It was all maybes and somedays and we'll sees and it all ended up being nothing.
The only real relationship I've ever had, where my family knew and his family knew and we went on dates and were an official couple was with Storm. Which lasted two weeks. And sure as heck did not improve my relationship with God.
I feel like every time I lie to my mom about their religious background, I'm convincing myself. By saying Storm went to church with his uncle, or Xabiel went to church with Aarik, or Jonathan still played piano with his church, or Eric was curious and wanted to go but never could because of family. It's not real! They go occasionally and sure they may enjoy it but it's not a priority and it's not a lifestyle! How can I grow from that?! Who am I kidding, saying that this is so freaking important to me and I just ignore it every single time.
No one before Storm was official with my mom. Not one. And not a single one of them was Christian. Meaning my only real relationship, if you can call it that, was with one of the worst exes I've ever had. Not because he was a bad person or wasn't an amazing friend. But there were hardly any feelings there and it was over before I blinked. Even Xabiel, who I consider the best boyfriend I've ever had, was somewhat hidden from my family AND was doomed from the start because I knew that I wanted more out of my future.
AND YET I KEEP FALLING INTO THIS PATTERN. Introverted, broken boys who don't know what they're doing with their futures and therefore have very little ability to improve mine. I fall for this same type every time and somehow convince myself that this little bit of them that doesn't completely hate Christianity can be converted?! It's probably what I did with Ethan. It's definitely what I'm doing with Nick. "I'm willing to give it a try" does not equate to a man who will bring me closer to God. It's someone I have to watch and help and guide. I am happy to do this for a friend. I'm happy to do this for anyone who will listen. Significant others are different. Relationships should not always mean waiting for the other person to catch up. Relationships should not stunt my spiritual growth. Growing together is one thing, but this is more likely to push me back.
So why am I sticking around with this kid? It makes no sense. I'm holding out because he makes me feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happier with him. I feel at peace with him. I have fun and I can be myself. I feel safe and protected. He's inspiring and entertaining and passionate and loving and every second I get to know him more, I enjoy him more. But I don't love him, and I refuse to say it as much as I want to because I know that's just my desire to be in love talking. I have no damn clue where my feelings for Jonathan are at because, despite the fact that I GENUINELY believe I can't wait for them to go away 100% since that's impossible, something is still there and probably will be for years to come. Wherever I'm at probably isn't fair to Nick. And even if Jonathan were not a factor and I didn't almost let my life end because he slept with someone else and I were completely over him and only interested in Nick, that doesn't change the fact that somewhere down this road, Nick will have to make a choice about his faith and it HAS to be for him and not me AND EVEN THEN I won't be able to be with him and have a family with him because I don't want to do all the teaching in a relationship. But of course, if I break things off preemptively, then that's just stupid. Because then I'm only looking at obstacles. And his health would probably suffer from it.
The guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. I thought I had it in JuanJosé but we're different people now, and I know I couldn't make him happy. He probably couldn't make me happy spiritually either, though I don't know that for sure, but I guess it's easier to think that way. The few others I knew were taken, and happily so. And even Nestor wasn't all I expected. He has since come up from that dark place and has grown spiritually (at least visibly), but he's held onto some darkness, and whether or not he's aware, he caused me to fall in the process. How can I say I'm settling if I don't know any other way?
I'm in so much pain. The day Nick tells me he loves me I may just burst into tears. Because how can I let such an amazing person go? I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. But I have to unless a major change happens. And I don't know if he even counts as the same person after that.
A separate note entirely. I miss Idalis. I feel like she may be the one person I could talk to about this. And I can't talk to her. My heart aches.
