Happy Thanksgiving

I think I've decided. I will move away. Somewhere. Someday.

And when I do, I'll only come back rarely. And I'll only tell the few people I actually want to see. So that no one else is making plans or making me run around or getting butthurt when they realize I can't please everyone and didn't try to please them first. And then I won't feel bad about my decisions and maybe actually enjoy myself.

Nice plan.

Like Old Times

Emily: -playing Sims- There's an alien at my door. Answer the door.

Jess: Why does it have an umbrella?

Emily: It's raining.

XD wut

Mentee Self Revs Cont.

My mentees are survivors.

An Emotional Tangent: In Which Sammy Breaks Down

I feel like I'm breaking

1: Matt - I'm sure you remember me telling you about the boy who liked me in January. The one who I kinda had a short lived thing with in England, just to see if anything would come from it. When I got over it, and he very clearly did not, I avoided him at all costs because I didn't know how to say no. I figured out why I did that.

The boys in my life never closed things sweetly. I didn't have healthy endings in my relationships. I got one of two choices: either the boy lied and made me think he loved me until he just couldn't lie anymore, or he ran and avoided me and wanted nothing to do with me. Both of those are total dick moves. Like, who the fuck does that to someone? It pisses me off that anyone would treat someone else like that. And still, I did it to him. I didn't lie, I couldn't, 'cause that's too awful. I just avoided the truth and ran until he figured it out on his own. Which makes me a bitch. It does, there's no other way to say that. It's just as bad. I did it because it's all I know. It's all I've seen. It's not an excuse, just a reason. That doesn't make it okay. I have very little experience in being loved by men.

I finally apologized last night. I pulled him aside and said I'm sorry. I said I knew I was awful. I said I had no good reason and it was so freaking stupid of me. And that I valued him in my life and I was working on making it up to him. I said I was just really sorry and I wanted him to know. He said it was okay. He said he forgave me. He said it was alright. He hugged me.

Today, after talking to his best friend, I learned he is not over it. I learned he is not over me. He still kicks himself because he knows he took things too fast. He wishes things had gone differently. He's lonely and hurt and stressed. And he really cares for me. He knows he can't give me what I need and that we want different things. He wishes he had time to make things right and try again. He knows he doesn't have the time or the ability. He hates that he misses me. He is not over me.

I am fucking useless here.

2: Mentees Self Rev - Remember that performance I did my freshman year? The one where I talked about you and your journal? My mentees are doing theirs now. They are sharing very important pieces of their lives with me.

The North American Drama Therapy Association Code of Ethics says you shouldn't be leading or directing a session if you are not emotionally stable enough or in the right mindset to do so. It is your duty to find your clients someone who can be more conducive to the students' success. I don't think I'm ready. I'm a Peer Mentor, and my position is different. Were this professional, I would have found someone else to help with these sessions.

I am so beyond grateful for the lives and the smiles and the hearts of every single one of my mentees. I am so blessed to have been allowed the honor of getting this insight into what makes them so beautiful.

3: Drama Therapy Self Rev - I have to do my own self rev soon. It will be slightly more serious than the previous ones. It's for my Drama Therapy class. My professor, Britt, showed us an example. I cannot disclose what it was about. Code of Ethics/just straight up not being a dick and sharing other people's lives. She bared her soul for us. She trusts us. I'm honored. I also was not ready. There was a lot of pain in that room today. Some of it coming from students as well and their own personal pain. It makes me cry just thinking about it. Life is so fucking beautiful. God is so damn good. I am so fucking lucky. I am. I really am.

4: Stress - A Midsummer Night's Dream. Rehearsals. Holiday Cabaret. Peer Mentor Meetings. Drama Therapy final. Three songs in Musical Theatre Scene Study. Meet & Greets. Contacting Potential New Members. Keeping both current cast and new members happy and organized. Character Analyses. Journals. Shop Hours. Registering for more classes. Which means more textbooks. Money. Maybe getting a Little next semester. Money. Going for an apartment next year, with people who may or may not live well together. Money. Money. Money. Future. Acting as a career. Successful but poor. Unsuccessful, poor, and jobless. Money. Money. Money.

5: Homesickness - I miss my beautiful baby girl. My mom needs me there, even just for company. I feel so damn distant from my church, which may be my own fault for hardly checking in and basically ruining my relationship with Fabrizio (he hasn't changed at all, but I have because keeping up the whole I-will-be-the-best-friend-you've-ever-had-while-you-just-live-your-life thing was too painful). I miss my sister. God, how I miss my sister. What the fuck is my dad even doing?

6: Masks/Poems - In Drama Therapy, we've been making masks. We made a mold that fit our face, and when they dried we started painting them. The outside is meant to be how people see you/what you show others. The inside is how you see yourself. I will walk you through my thought process.

Painting the outside

The mask wraps around my mouth but still covers my nose and down my cheeks. I can open up to others without a problem. Ask and thou shalt receive. It's yellow because I'm positive. Everyone always comments on how optimistic and positive I am. I try so hard to be that light in other people's lives. The purple flower on the side should've been lighter, but it's the sweet and childlike part of me. The green dots are just nerdy and cutesy. There is white around the eyes and head because I am that pure, innocent little girl for most people. I also kind of just blend in. I'm pretty invisible on the surface, nothing special. But there are bright colors awaiting anyone who is willing to look past the surface. The red around the mouth is because people say I'm funny or sassy. The heart crown is because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to be emotional. And I let that flow. Also, people call me a princess. There is a little bit of gold outline at the very top. It's a halo to go with the innocence thing. It's also a crown because, a couple of weeks ago, my class voted for me to get an award in Leadership. This is the person I love to have in my life. This is the person I aspire to be.

Painting the inside

I am so negative. So so very negative. I hide it well and step out of it. I step into the purple, which is hope. Because I believe hope and optimism are so so so important, just as a means of survival. And I do see good in the world. It's so evident, I see it. I just need to keep looking 'cause it's so easy for me to slip back into the negative. I hate a lot of things about myself. I hate how I look. I hate that I'm mediocre at a couple of things and pretty bad at everything else. I hate that anytime I say something, I'm wrong because I can be so fucking ignorant sometimes. I hate making choices and being wrong. I hate that I am so annoying. I hate that nobody really sees me. I hate that I am so needy and clingy and desperate, and yet so damn picky. I kept the green dots because I am nerdy and childish. Not childlike. Childish. As in I'm obnoxious and naive and just ignorant sometimes. The red and orange around the mouth is because I have a lot of opinions. Tons of them. And I always think my opinion is oh so important, but I keep it in. I keep it in because I don't think my opinion matters or I'm scared it will make people angry with me. I need people to like me. The blue in my mind is my confusion and my fear and just my constant need for things. It's like a web, and all these memories and people get caught in it. And as much as THEY are ready to leave, I can just never let things go. The pink things are the few things that make me sane and remind me to back to the purple: My faith, my belief in the magic this world possesses, and the love of my family and friends.

Only one person heard this explanation. We then wrote poems. One about our outside. One about our inside. That same person read my poems as I held my mask up for everyone to see.

Outside:

Little one, you are bright just like sunshine

And, oh, what funny thing you say! It's true

That if you show your smile, you'll bring out mine.

You give me hope, I'm glad I noticed you.

The childish, silly, pure, sweet song you sing

Reminds me that, with you here, I'm okay.

You make my day, you precious little thing!

I'm glad I have your sun to light my way.

Inside:

How to Make a Relient K Song

You gotta start with need. A whole lot of need.

Needing comfort, needing love, needing attention, needing support, needing guidance.

Mix it with self-doubt. And the chance of self-destruction.

A touch of broken heart. Or maybe a lot f it.

Then add the tendency to cling. To over think. To fear the truth and seek.

Here is your rich concoction. It's dark, and it hits hard.

But what it needs is nonsense.

A few good memories.

Some words that make you laugh at the taste.

Remember to put in love, that's the most important part.

Love makes the mix strong, makes it sweet and fun.

The love must be a lasting one, so the spell won't expire.

Then blend it with a sense of faith.

It adds the extra love and forgiveness that nothing else has.

Throw in a bit of magic. Complete your potion here.

The bitterness will turn to sugar.

Your song will now speak the words in your heart.

Play. Replay. Replay.

Hearing the two poems aloud was the first time I'd heard the two side by side. It made me absolutely hate my outside. Because it's not me. Not one fucking bit of it feels like me. And yet I can't lose it because I've worked so damn hard to get it. And it makes people like me. And I need people to like me.

 7: Jonathan - We made a pact a while ago that, should our plans not work out, we just live together forever. He's essentially a back-up to the back-up. A couple of nights ago he asked if our pact was still intact and we realized neither of us remembered the agreement. So, we agreed on terms then and there: Pact is active if we are single by age 30. No relationship, but there will be an engagement. A ring is most likely, but nothing extravagant. There will be a wedding. Kids happen if they happen. He will learn Spanish We live in a location of his choosing, so long as I know the basics of the local language and we still come back to visit for holidays and birthdays. I can still go to church and I do not expect him to join me. Other details to be added over time.

A life with Jonathan sounds fun. It sounds hilarious. It's not exactly what I want in my life. Obviously. I mean wasn't that the big revelation I had this summer and this spring and back when he started dating Celeste? We don't work. We want different things. But still, it'd be fun!

Dear God in heaven, please, I beg you. Do not let me spend my life with Jonathan Lieder.

8: Canada - I told a friend about my favorite twins. She asked why I had friends in Canada (she meant to say how). I explained how we met. I explained the weirdness of our middle school relationships/the contrast between our relationship and the one I had with your sister. I explained why I started writing to you and how we became pen pals and how it made us a million times closer. I told her that no one on this earth knows me like you do. I told her we were "married". I told her we "divorced". I mentioned that I made the Smilation blog for you. I mentioned all the recent letters in which we relived those "breakups" and how we should've just stayed together. I told her about the youtube channel. I told her about the necklace. She said she was jealous of me because she'd never had friends like that. I am so very lucky.

I mentioned wanting to go to Canada. And how I needed to save money to travel in 2016. I told her Canada was your home and you didn't want to come back, at least not to live here. I told her I considered maybe moving to Canada. I said I couldn't leave Cristina. At least not before her 7th birthday when I was sure she'd remember me, and I wouldn't just be that aunt everyone has who lives in Pittsburgh but you only see some holidays and always talks about you as a baby because you have no memories together as you got older. I joked that it was impossible to move my whole family up with me. She told me I shouldn't worry because her favorite uncle and one of her favorite people ever lived in Connecticut and was maybe only seen once a year but it was her favorite thing ever.

I've been missing you and your sister so much lately. And like, I've always missed you. And I've always wanted to see you. And I always think about how great and emotional a reunion would be. But as of late I feel it. I'm in this odd emotional place and I can't explain why and all I want to do is run to you guys and chat and laugh and cuddle. And I can't. And I'm beginning to fear that this is just something I have to get used to.

I'm scared because it's been 6 years. And my sense memory is leaving me. My sense memory never leaves me. But I'm forgetting what you smelled like. And I'm forgetting what your sister's hugs felt like. I told Jess that and she reminded me that they'd be different now any way. Which hurt more. Because I don't know anymore. I am not there to know. I am on paper and on screens. In text and images but I am not there and that's so scary to me. It's like any other youtuber. You see their videos and you love them and think you know them and their lives and feel so connected to them but in the end it's only a fraction of their lives. I think I am no longer okay with this itty bitty fraction of your lives.

I also told my friend about your tweet. Where you said you should've proposed to me. And how I wish it weren't a joke. And how I kind of wish you weren't my back-up plan. Because if you did propose, then I'd know it to be 100% genuine, and not you settling. Which, as far as I know, you would be. Like, if we really think about this. I could make you happy. We could be happy together. We would get along and we'd solve our problems healthily and we would create a home together. But that wouldn't mean you were attracted to me or that you loved me romantically. Marrying your best friend might just mean marrying your best friend, not the love of your life. Especially since you need constant change and like experiencing new things. I hate change! Change scares me so freaking much.What if it got to the point where you needed a change from me that I just couldn't give you? I would absolutely shatter and it would be no one's fault but our own for settling. And I would hate for someone as amazing as you to settle. And I'm telling you right now, I would not be settling. Not at all.



I'm in a lot of pain for absolutely no reason. And I just need my best friend. I need a good cry and some hot chocolate. And a plane to take me 439 miles from here.