The Modesty Issue

Sidenote, I'm 10000% over the mirror effect.

Ang told me about a friend of hers from school who runs THIS blog. And I very much like the idea. I know there's a pretty big community for this stuff. I like that these girls are telling the world that women don't have to show skin to look good. And if you look at these pictures, WOW the girl works it. Like, she looks phenomenal. I kind of want her to design my entire wardrobe? I wish I had so many fun skirts and tops and I could decorate my shoes like she does and WOW. Mind you, all that takes money so like, good for her that she can afford to make all these things (yes she does make a lot of her own clothing). Regardless, it's a cool idea and very important. Girls need to learn to be confident regardless of the outfit. They are more than what they wear, or don't wear. But like, these blogs have the exact opposite effect on me.

I tried on a dress today that showed off my midriff and my whole back. It's fitted and it's NOT too short but it teases the too short line. Wow, I liked that dress. I'm not at a point where I love my body. So automatically I was like, hmm, this is fitted and shows off the stomach I haven't been able to fully work off. I've been pretty hard on my own body since the breakup, though that's mostly because I gained a good bit while I was in Chicago. Still, I don't HATE my body anymore. I'm not DISGUSTED by myself anymore. I feel only the smallest bit more confidence and that means everything to me. I didn't hate how I looked in this dress. And my mom, obviously, said no to it because para que voy a estar enseñando todo, right? I've already conceded that I'm not an adult and my mom owns me until she dies. But I'm SO ridiculously upset by this?? Like, I felt so good and that's not gonna happen again. Fact of the matter is I have no clue where I would wear it and I'm sure plenty of people might think I'm too big for it. I don't care. I don't dress for other people. I PERSONALLY LOVED wearing it and so even if I only wore it around the house, I'd wear it and feel good in it. But no. Kay. Cool. 

I decide to deal with my annoying mood by looking at this blog and reminding myself that I don't need to show my body to look good. But like, I don't feel good? Like, when I go shopping I see this cute stuff and I try it on and WOW I hate how it looks. I look like a potato. Or a five year old. I look like a little girl that wants to dress like her mommy. I don't feel like me. It looks good, just not on ME. And so looking at the blog just made me feel like "hey, you can't pull this off. You NEED to show skin and wear bold makeup otherwise you look absolutely ordinary and unimpressive. To everyone INCLUDING yourself." 

My mom also mentioned that a dress like that doesn't let people know I'm Christian. But that never made sense to me. I don't see skirts and automatically think "Christian". I see skirts and think, cute, you decided to dress up today, good for you. Some men don't think "Christian" or "dress up", they think "easy access", which is sorta terrifying when you ride the bus home! I've never been comfortable in skirts and for me to wear one is a MAJOR decision when getting dressed. It's active effort on my part. Aside from the "should women wear skirts" debate, if I see a girl who is covered up and wearing pants and whatever blouse, I don't think a single thing about it. You wear clothing. Cool. I am not automatically calling into question the spiritual life of every person I see simply because someone's shirt shows their stomach a little. I don't think "oh, she must not be Christian", I think "WOW good for you for having the confidence that I never had even though Christian women are supposedly meant to EXUDE confidence since our bodies are given to us by God". I'm all about wearing appropriate clothing for the moment. There are certain things you do and don't wear to school, work, church, the beach, a funeral, a wedding, the theater, and so on. But just every day out and about? Literally who cares?! What do you know about the person? Nothing. Clothes tells you nothing. It's so easy to dress to the nines and never set foot in a church in your life. The person who judges based on clothing is a fool. Clothes means nothing. And I'm not saying men don't get the modesty talk either because I know it happens. But other than "pull your pants up" and "wear a clean shirt", the most I USUALLY hear is "wear a tie to church". With women, it HAS to be a dress or skirt, but it has to be certain lengths at the bottom, it can't have any openings other than head, arms, and legs, the sleeves can't be too short because HEAVEN FORBID WE SHOW SHOULDERS, and it can't be too tight.

Quite frankly, for completely separate reasons, I keep thinking about how much being a woman is kind of awful. Like, yes, we get the miracle of birth and giving life. But not all women can do that. So do those women have nothing? What about the women who DO NOT WANT CHILDREN, either because they just do not like kids, their bodies can't handle pregnancy, or they fear the ultimate responsibility of shaping a soul and giving up almost their entire selves to another being all while having every choice they make judged and not being financially stable enough or selfless enough to do the job adequately?! Honestly, being a mom is such a scary thought for me. It always has been. And what if I have a daughter?! I don't know how I could do it. How I could look at this beautiful child with hopes and dreams and optimism and tell her what it means to be a woman.

"You're going to have pain during puberty. It's different for everyone, but for some people it's the most crippling four days you can imagine. For others it's just a lot of heavy bleeding out of your vagina for more than the normal 3-7 day range, and the start day completely unpredictable. Whatever your scenario ends up being, you're going to have it for the rest of your life. Unless you get pregnant. In which case you won't feel anything for a few months and then you'll feel the worst pain known to humankind. And then, when you're too old to go through the same nonsense every month, you'll go through something else which makes your body a whole different kind of uncomfortable and your hormones a whole different kind of unstable. All of this will cost immense amounts of money because there are people who view the items necessary for these natural, inevitable processes as a luxury. People will question what you wear every day. People will remind you consistently of what you can't do. Despite your intelligence, determination, and qualifications, lots of people will tell you that you can't be a leader. Some will tell you that you shouldn't even have a job. People will buy you dresses and pink things and dolls and all sorts of fun toys, just as long as they aren't related to science, engineering, construction, or anything too manly. You will be told that you can't let boys touch you, but no one will tell the boys not to touch you. The boys will be across the hall in another room learning about Wisdom and you will be learning about Purity. You will be told that your body is not your own and that it belongs to God every day for the rest of your life UNTIL you get married, in which case it will belong to your husband. You will have to allow your husband to tell you what you can and can't wear or do, not that he will necessarily care about any of that, but if he does you HAVE to listen. When he makes dumb decisions and can't get past his own ideals to see another point of view, you still have to let him lead. Your sex drive will be ignored by a whole lot of people, and some men will pretend they care about it because they think they are God's gift to women. Every emotion you ever feel about anything will be used against you. And then it will be devalued and overlooked because obviously your emotions are meaningless, invalid, and probably just due to the hormones you can't control. Some people will completely ignore your wants and needs until you get a man to voice them for you. You will be called some absolutely horrible names, whether you are the sweetest and most innocent girl on the planet or you commit every crime in the book. And yes, you are expected to take it, either because you deserve it or good girls don't talk back. You will be taught to hate other girls or view them as competition. You will be taught to hate yourself. You will be reminded of your age consistently, and that age will be tied to questions such as when you'll get married, when you'll have kids, or why you don't want to have more kids. Any decision you make will always be your fault, never your partners. People will try to take your success away every chance they get. People will hurt you verbally and physically without repercussions. You will be told for your entire life that your value rests in your looks and your ability to get a man. And no matter how many times God, the bible, your family, your friends, books, or the internet tell you differently, some part of you will always believe that your value rests in your looks and your ability to get a man."

How do you warn an innocent soul about this? Why would you ever want to put anyone through this? Why can't we just wear pants and revealing dresses without being blamed for a man's lack of will power or his instability in his faith? How do you change these horrendous ideals when your own family and church tell you that some of them just have to stay? How do you continue to positively live in a world like that? How can you expect anyone else to?

Leaving Our Hearts At McDaniel

I spent seven years somewhere with Jonathan. I still don't know when I fell in love with him. Maybe not until college, or until summer of 2010 when we had our huge fight, or after we broke up after middle school, or maybe the first time I heard him play piano in that choir room in 7th grade. Point is I fell in love. And, with the help of his horrible ex girlfriend, I learned that he wasn't meant for me and I wasn't meant for him. In a matter of months, I felt cleansed. It was one of the greatest joys I'd ever known. That freedom felt so beautiful. And I thought it had passed. 

Until April 22, when he managed to shatter my heart unknowingly. I never expected it and I wasn't ready. But my resolve didn't change. I knew we didn't work together and nothing would change that, and so I needn't bother to try. I'd continue my life. And I prayed that this pain would pass. 

It hasn't yet. I don't want the fun that we had or the fooling around because it feels empty. We joke and we flirt and we talk about doing whatever, but at the end of the day the only person I want any of that with is Nick. Jonathan may be the best there is, but it feels like a whole different thing with Nick. I want someone who wants me, and who needs it to be me. Someone who isn't satisfied with anyone else. Someone who will be there after the fun. And Jonathan can never give that to me. So my feelings will have to pass, one day, somehow. I want to be happy with someone else. 

And the jealousy I feel when I think of who could make Jonathan happy? The hurt and the pain when I realize it will never be me and it may very well Stephanie, who I never wanted him to even speak to? I need that to pass. I need that to go away. Because today, when he mentioned her name, I froze. It wasn't the level of fear of hurt that Samie caused, nowhere near that. But he knows how much I fear that relationship, and he's crushing on her anyway. Maybe my initial fear of them was because I still loved him and didn't know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I think they're wrong for each other. And if I'm right, I have to watch them get hurt. And if he's right, then I get hurt.

What's more, he is so hurt about her turning him down that I feel like I can't reach him. I'm once again afraid of being nothing more than a distraction and a convenience. Because I'm the girl who always comes back. And I NEED that to pass. I can't let him make me feel like that again. He doesn't even know he does it, and I know if I told him then he would just never mention any other girl ever again, which isn't what I want. I just don't get why we both had to leave our hearts at McDaniel. It was already so hard for me to imagine going back and seeing Nick and not being able to kiss him and hold his hand and laugh with him like we did, but now I have to see Stephanie as the girl I can't compare to. I mean what am I to Jonathan? Why, if he can try for someone he barely knows, could he never try for me? He can hit on me and hook up with me and whatever else but it's never anything real. Why does it have to be her? Why can't I convince him that she's no good for him? And why does she have to turn him down? If she'd said yes, he could've figured this out on his own. But now he'll just want her more and miss her more and count her as one of the few genuine girls he had feelings for. Was I ever one of them? Am I the one night stand girl to him? Did him ever feel something for me?

The worst part is I want him to love me because I love him, and I want us both to move on completely together. And I want to be with Nick and know that I get all the fun and crazy and passionate stuff I got with Jonathan, but it means more because this person whole heartedly loves me. And I don't want to miss Jonathan and think about what would've happened if we were together. I want to know that nothing Jonathan could've been for me would ever be what Nick is to me. And I want to watch you be happy and know that you're much happier with someone else than I ever could've made you. I want us all to be the happiest we can be and I want the hurt to stop.  Why does that all feel so impossible?

Overdue Conversations

My mom and I got into a fight. A fight that further confirmed we will never fully get along. Which is not okay for a mother and daughter, especially ones who walk in the faith. But I just do not like her as a person. Like, I adore her as a mother and I respect her as as guardian and a guide. But if she were some person I worked with or went to school with, we would not get along. Coping with that is hard. And it leads to arguments like today where we both get our feelings hurt and we both play the victim and no progress is made. But it forced me to tell her about my depression, finally. She knows now. She thought I was depressed about specific situations. She didn't know the severity. And I absolutely hate to think this is now a thing she has to live with and think about frequently and pray about. Like. Ugh. This is now her burden. And she's making sure I see a counselor regularly. Which is not what I wanted. But honestly, I needed it. I'm grateful. I need this. I need to prioritize my health. So, maybe it's good we fought.

I had a meltdown. I sobbed. I freaked out. I texted Nick. And he was there for me almost immediately. He comforted me a little but mostly just spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and handle this, and he talked me through some steps, more or less. It was so nice to know that he was there for me and he cared. And then the conversation was over 'cause he went to bed. And I felt really, really empty. It's crazy, the effect he has on my body and my mind. This is my life now.

Blessings In Disguise (Pt. 2)

Angelique has never been my favorite person. That's a lie. She was once. But it's been a very long time. And after the major mistake I made in November, I felt our relationship was absolutely broken. I thought I'd ruined everything forever, and I felt so guilty when I saw her that it made me physically ill. I was learning to cope with the idea that we'd never be able to exist in the same space comfortably. And within the formality of church, that seemed like it was just my new reality.

Ang is filling in at work this week. Since so many people have been on vacation, she was called to help out around the office. She's had several positions in the office before, so she can handle it. She's done with her summer job with her school so now she's fully available to work at the office temporarily and even go to our church again. I was kind of devastated when I found out. I was scared to be at work. I wanted to count down the days until she left again. But it's not necessary. I don't know if it's the different setting or what, but everything is just so much easier. We can joke with each other. We can have genuine conversations. We work together. And it's pleasant. The whole thing feels so easy. I don't feel any animosity. And that's all I've wanted for so long. I wanted God to take those negative feelings away and help us support one another despite our different paths in life. I finally feel okay doing that.

I don't expect us to be best friends now. We're far too different. We barely see each other. There's a lot of things she says and believes that I just can't support or agree with. I'm not entirely too keen on getting close to someone who posts about #AllLivesMatter or makes every conversation about her school or her boyfriend. But we're friendly. We're civil. We can move past the idiotic mistakes we (I) made and love one another as we're called to do. I'm surprised at how relieved I feel. But I do. Finally.

Introverted Broken Boys

I'm panicking about my hypocrisy.

I always sit here and talk about how important religion is to me. How I need to be with a Christian guy, and that God has to be the center of our relationship. When it's not a relationship, I dare to fool around and outright ignore Him. It's not like I forget. I don't come home and realize. I tune His voice out and then pretend He will forgive me.

I feel like the only guy who should be counted as Christian is Nestor. And that wasn't even real. It was a figment of my imagination, my wishful thinking, my ignorance of God's plan for me. I pretended He wanted this when He made it clear earlier that it wasn't for me. Nestor may have been good for me but I could do nothing for him. I'd never help him grow. Matt and Andrew may have been Christian, but they lived in ways I couldn't condone, and I am unsure how those who fear God would. Regardless, they would not have helped me grow. I would have stayed comfortable, pretending that my relationship with God was stronger because I was with a man who identified as Christian. It takes more than that. Besides, not a single one of them was real. It was all maybes and somedays and we'll sees and it all ended up being nothing.

The only real relationship I've ever had, where my family knew and his family knew and we went on dates and were an official couple was with Storm. Which lasted two weeks. And sure as heck did not improve my relationship with God.

I feel like every time I lie to my mom about their religious background, I'm convincing myself. By saying Storm went to church with his uncle, or Xabiel went to church with Aarik, or Jonathan still played piano with his church, or Eric was curious and wanted to go but never could because of family. It's not real! They go occasionally and sure they may enjoy it but it's not a priority and it's not a lifestyle! How can I grow from that?! Who am I kidding, saying that this is so freaking important to me and I just ignore it every single time.

No one before Storm was official with my mom. Not one. And not a single one of them was Christian. Meaning my only real relationship, if you can call it that, was with one of the worst exes I've ever had. Not because he was a bad person or wasn't an amazing friend. But there were hardly any feelings there and it was over before I blinked. Even Xabiel, who I consider the best boyfriend I've ever had, was somewhat hidden from my family AND was doomed from the start because I knew that I wanted more out of my future.

AND YET I KEEP FALLING INTO THIS PATTERN. Introverted, broken boys who don't know what they're doing with their futures and therefore have very little ability to improve mine. I fall for this same type every time and somehow convince myself that this little bit of them that doesn't completely hate Christianity can be converted?! It's probably what I did with Ethan. It's definitely what I'm doing with Nick. "I'm willing to give it a try" does not equate to a man who will bring me closer to God. It's someone I have to watch and help and guide. I am happy to do this for a friend. I'm happy to do this for anyone who will listen. Significant others are different. Relationships should not always mean waiting for the other person to catch up. Relationships should not stunt my spiritual growth. Growing together is one thing, but this is more likely to push me back.

So why am I sticking around with this kid? It makes no sense. I'm holding out because he makes me feel good. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happier with him. I feel at peace with him. I have fun and I can be myself. I feel safe and protected. He's inspiring and entertaining and passionate and loving and every second I get to know him more, I enjoy him more. But I don't love him, and I refuse to say it as much as I want to because I know that's just my desire to be in love talking. I have no damn clue where my feelings for Jonathan are at because, despite the fact that I GENUINELY believe I can't wait for them to go away 100% since that's impossible, something is still there and probably will be for years to come. Wherever I'm at probably isn't fair to Nick. And even if Jonathan were not a factor and I didn't almost let my life end because he slept with someone else and I were completely over him and only interested in Nick, that doesn't change the fact that somewhere down this road, Nick will have to make a choice about his faith and it HAS to be for him and not me AND EVEN THEN I won't be able to be with him and have a family with him because I don't want to do all the teaching in a relationship. But of course, if I break things off preemptively, then that's just stupid. Because then I'm only looking at obstacles. And his health would probably suffer from it.

The guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. I thought I had it in JuanJosé but we're different people now, and I know I couldn't make him happy. He probably couldn't make me happy spiritually either, though I don't know that for sure, but I guess it's easier to think that way. The few others I knew were taken, and happily so. And even Nestor wasn't all I expected. He has since come up from that dark place and has grown spiritually (at least visibly), but he's held onto some darkness, and whether or not he's aware, he caused me to fall in the process. How can I say I'm settling if I don't know any other way?

I'm in so much pain. The day Nick tells me he loves me I may just burst into tears. Because how can I let such an amazing person go? I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. But I have to unless a major change happens. And I don't know if he even counts as the same person after that.




A separate note entirely. I miss Idalis. I feel like she may be the one person I could talk to about this. And I can't talk to her. My heart aches.

Como se dice

What's the polite way to say I literally cannot stand your shrill voice and if you butcher one more Disney song I may actually have to cut your head off?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO A HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME SONG YOU DO NOT WANT TO SING IT IN FRONT OF ME.

Consequences

It has become evident to me that the mistakes I made with Angelique, Nestor, and Ethan are going to be with me for the rest of my life. These are mistakes that have shaped me, will continue to hurt, and will continue to make me grow.